#negative rambling

[freespooks]

[lukael]

Yknow, for as long as I remember, being a better artist is all I’ve ever wanted for myself.... There’s videos of me drawing at 2 years old, it’s what I did as a kid, it’s what I did in school, in high school, what I hoped college would help me with, what I’ve been trying to do more and more as an adult, the only thing I’ve really cared about learning and improving my entire life.... 

And because of my lack of discipline, and motivation, and confidence, I’ve really wasted a lot of years of my life, not drawing as much as I should have. While other artists were grinding and doing daily sketches, practicing anatomy and everything, countless times I’ve gone days, weeks, months, without drawing anything. And the pressure and the guilt grew on me with each passing year to the point where in the last couple years, it became the only thing on my mind constantly. How often I had thought to myself “you gotta start drawing more” and then didn’t act on it, or did it for a while and then stopped. Because I would see so much awesome art online, and then when I tried my hand at it, it would just suck, and I knew I had only myself to blame.

Unfortunately I’m a really slow learner, or maybe I just don’t know how to spend my practice time efficiently, I just figured over time I would just naturally get better, and sure there’s been some improvement if I compare myself to like.... 10 years ago, but I’m not at all where I thought I’d be at my age and it fucking eats away at me, every single day. It’s the biggest source of stress in my life, because there’s just no magic trick, it’s the slow grind of drawing and practicing for a loooong time and hoping for the best, but so often the feeling of powerlessness and insatisfaction and impatience just becomes overwhelming. I feel like I’m gonna run out of time, like I’ll never get to where I want to be, that I’ll never be happy. I shouldn’t tie my worth as a person so closely with my art but I do, because it’s the only thing I’ve stuck with, the only thing I’ve poured all my efforts into, so if it’s not that great, then to me it means I’m a failure and I’ve wasted all my time.... when I talk about my frustration with friends a lot would say “well if it makes you so unhappy why do you keep doing it, just find something else” and I’m like.... you don’t GET IT lol... I CAN’T give up now, it’s who I am, it’s the only thing I’ve ever done, I still have hope I can get where I want, it’s just.... taking too long and may never happen, maybe I just don’t have it in me

Anyways, there’s no point to any of this I just wanted to vent.... I’m a pretty simple guy, I don’t want to be rich or famous or anything like that, if I had a dream or something that’d make me happy it would just be to be satisfied with my art and to be able to make a living out of it... and I always figured that I’d be there by now and I’m not, and sometimes it’s hard to deal with, is all.....

I’m just gonna keep drawing, yknow. What the fuck else can I do at this point

[and-if-i-could-be-yours]

You know the feeling.

That creeping itch to go back to it. To what's familiar and inviting. Despite the wounds that ache when you think about what they did to you.

Despite everything, I still think that I deserved it. That how they treated me was a reflection of myself and how I treated them. Old mistakes that I can never escape.

I can't help but crave it. The energy, the drama, the risk. Maybe I'm sick. The door is open and they're waltzing through it; I should be slamming it shut before they reach it. And maybe it'll be comfortable. Fun, even.

But in a few months, I will regret it. I will do what is best for my mental health and cut them off, and the cycle will repeat whenever I am at my best. I was warned of the wolves, watched them approach, and I still let them close enough to snap at my heels as I run.

At what point does it become self-harm to let people that I know will hurt me back into my life?

[faatui]

i will fight anyone who doesnt make y/n content gender neutra by default

its so hard to find content available for people who arent only women. is it THAT hard to like. not Use She/Her in ur damn fics?

[crocutamod]

i dont know how to explain, sorta like my whole body is hollow and ive got no energy to move?

i consider each of my friends irreplaceable, specs of joyous colour in my dull grey scale world, and i care for them greatly. I always try to check up on them, see if they’re alright, give gifts and try to offer experiences, and even tho i know im really not that good at it, i always try to move heaven and earth to make them feel better when i know they’re feeling down. Yet for me, it feels like im completely disposable to them, like im only there when they need something or for convenience, and when that’s not the case they just blank me from existence, or lead me on on thing for weeks. i dont know, i was raised with great emphasis on caring for others and “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” and maybe im taking it too literal, or maybe im caring too much? and should care less??

most of the people who always publicly say that they care for me, think about me or stuff like that, never talk or interact with me unless i put in alot of effort, and even then it’s like getting blood from a stone, then they say stuff about how much of a friend i cam to them? it feels like for when i finally muster the guts to do myself a favour and off myself, they can wash their hands of it with ease and go “welp, i tried.”

this is all just disjointed and barely structured rambling. im just writing this to spill out the thoughts in my head and get them to stop bouncing around inside my head and tearing me apart. maybe im seriously paranoid and letting to control me, maybe 100% right on everything, or maybe im totally wrong on something on a fundamental level that is messing with how i perceive everything, i dont know, and i feel like ive got no one to turn to and ask if i am right or wrong.

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TLPDR: i dont know whats going on, i dont know if im right or completely wrong, all these thoughts be they true or false are tearing me apart and i dont know what to do about it.

[nightsky-boy-blog]

. fuckk

[nightsky-boy-blog]

im stressing over the fact that i only have two minutes before the 11 pm acnl music ends

[nightsky-boy-blog]

ow