Dissociating in and out of different personalities/selves/states is hard work, I suffered with this a lot a couple of years back but it eased somewhat after my DPD really started to take control but it's starting to get bad again and I'm only really noticing that it's not just bipolar manic/depressive swings because of how wildly different my mental health, general outlook, emotions and even memories are between the states, while some of which are typically more manic or more depressive there are some which seem more balanced or even entirely neutral and it's both confusing and useful in my current situation
I'm wildly apathetic in transitional/neutral states which I seem to be trying to keep myself in and my feelings about things change so much from state to state that I'm struggling even more to define myself, because I'll come back to something later and feel slightly different about it, or know I have fluctuating/neutral opinions on most things, or, mainly, just feeling entirely and pathetically unable to form any sort of opinion or preference on anything in a genuine manner.
I think I was using my DPD these past couple years to help anchor myself and give myself direction and feelings that were fairly consistent but after losing my FP my brain is returning back to the excessive and chaotic personality changes and lack of certainty, it's taking the edge off the DPD shock, but only because I'm transitioning through so many states of personality that it's skipping over the part of me which is being affected the worst by the loss
