#dpd chatter

[equikin]

I think, while suddenly losing my FP was horribly dangerous for me at the start (I nearly killed myself multiple times, and it took 3 months for me to recover to any extent) it has been semi positive past that. 

I feel a lot free’r than I had for years prior to losing them, and have a lot more autonomy. I can finally just... play games, play singleplayer games, watch shows/movies, read comics, draw, just go off and do my own thing, think about what I want and focus on myself which I really couldn’t to any degree prior. If they weren’t involved I just... couldn’t do it. I had no thoughts outside of anything related to them.

I still think about them all the time and get sad, because it still hurts and I miss them, but it’s okay, I’m sure they’re happy and I’m doing better now, even if either of the situations aren’t the most ideal.

I think the only long-term negative(?) impact past general loneliness and patches of nasty depression and anxiety is really the fact now I’ve managed to get by without a FP fairly well, and I’m feeling good about it, I’m TERRIFIED of forming any sort of close relationship with anyone. Even my existing friendships I’m distancing myself from because I don’t want to be dependant again.

Well, at least not yet? Part of me loved the “positive” side of dependency, it felt so good being around/talking to/interacting with/ thinking about my FP and it drove me for a long while, but now I realise it held me back a lot, and also REALLY FUCKIn hurt a lot of the time. 

Sadly due to my concerns about becoming dependant again I feel like I need to spend the next bunch of years of my life just working towards my own goals, to get myself to where I want to be, before I risk forming any close relationships. Which sucks, because I’m lonely, but I’m more worried about getting back into a dependency situation than I am worried about being lonely for another 10 years.

[equikin]

That DPD feeling when you can’t physically bring yourself to wake up or get out of bed because you don’t have any FPs around which means your brain has no reason to exist

That following DPD feeling when you force yourself to get up and be awake and your whole waking time without your FPs is just so upsetting, your anxiety is through the roof and the only think you feel other than sadness and anxiety is total emptiness and lack of purpose

[equikin]

When the DPD is bad and my partner isn’t around I get increasingly paranoid I’m going to lose them/they’re going to leave me because of how taxing I can be on them thanks to the disorder

I don’t want to be a drain on them- I want to make them happy and give them energy like they do to me

I’m scared this hellish personality disorder is going to cost me the most important person in the world to me

I’d want them to leave if they wanted to, I wouldn’t want to make them feel trapped, they have free reign in their live and I just want to support them how I can

I’m just scared this personality disorder is effecting them badly, and it’s going to be the reason I lose someone I love, or the reason they are unhappy

[equikin]

Ahahaha I have developed a new fp and I'm. Struggling, I'm getting dependant again, I'm getting sad again when they're not around, I really need to get a car so I can go to that therapist but I gave all my money to a friend to help him out so I have to wait a few weeks now

[equikin]

Dissociating in and out of different personalities/selves/states is hard work, I suffered with this a lot a couple of years back but it eased somewhat after my DPD really started to take control but it's starting to get bad again and I'm only really noticing that it's not just bipolar manic/depressive swings because of how wildly different my mental health, general outlook, emotions and even memories are between the states, while some of which are typically more manic or more depressive there are some which seem more balanced or even entirely neutral and it's both confusing and useful in my current situation

I'm wildly apathetic in transitional/neutral states which I seem to be trying to keep myself in and my feelings about things change so much from state to state that I'm struggling even more to define myself, because I'll come back to something later and feel slightly different about it, or know I have fluctuating/neutral opinions on most things, or, mainly, just feeling entirely and pathetically unable to form any sort of opinion or preference on anything in a genuine manner.

I think I was using my DPD these past couple years to help anchor myself and give myself direction and feelings that were fairly consistent but after losing my FP my brain is returning back to the excessive and chaotic personality changes and lack of certainty, it's taking the edge off the DPD shock, but only because I'm transitioning through so many states of personality that it's skipping over the part of me which is being affected the worst by the loss

[equikin]

The more I think about it the more I realise my grandma is a FP of mine and her moving away contributed to my fairly large mental breakdown a year or two ago and my increased dependency on my other FP

[equikin]

I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with how empty I am really, my personality disorder has controlled me and taken over everything for so long I don't know who I am, what I like or what I want anymore. I'm so blank now, I've forced it all away and it's just stripped everything from me and it's terrifying. I don't know what to do, what I enjoy, I have no goals in life when I look past the things my personality disorder make me want and feel.

I'm scared, I need treatment for it but what if I just... fall apart, there's so little of me under this problem, this illness, it's fucked up, I don't know who I am, I don't know anything about myself that wasn't defined by my dependancy, I don't know how to feel without having dependancy, I'm still dependant of course I am it's not going anywhere this quickly

Which is why I don't know what I am without it yet I guess but it's still terrifying, and I need to hide it, I need to hide it because it's hurting people I care about but by doing that I just feel... hollow, I don't know what to do, or if I want to do, what I like god who am I who even am I

[equikin]

Nihilism and DPD have saved my life on multiple occasions and that’s such an odd thing to think about