#negative??

[ghostshivers]

me: *has a positive emotion*

my anxiety: incorrect.

[deadbirdtyton]

You ever just have a pretty good day but you end up feeling like hell for no reason? That’s right now.

He’s just going to strum around on his bass. Probably just ungrateful or something.

[discolorer-a]

[minstradamus]

Semi-hiatus??

Long post ahead / Dealing with burn out, struggling with my thesis and...

With the way my university changed its laws regarding thesis submission terms, I have less than 30 days left to finish my thesis. And because I've been struggling a lot with it due to some mental and physical health issues, family and friends drama, and also a tragic case of writer's block (which at this point seems more like me not being interested in the subject anymore), I only have one chapter written and approved by my TA.

The subject is big. Huge. I planned on writing 5 chapters (plus intro and outro), which would take around 150 pages. It's tricky and it's that kind of subject that keeps evolving as we speak, so I had to follow the news. And I didn't. Right now I think I figured out how to merge two chapters into one, which would spare me 15 pages. Yet it still feels like its both too much and not enough.

I informed my TA about some of my issues last October and he's being more supportive than he should (I said I have some "health issues" and he immediately told me about his connections with the biggest hospital in the region which basically means he could get me any doctor I want). He knows only the surface level of my struggles and decided to let me work at my own pace, he's not pushing me to submit chapters or to even attend consultations. He still has high expectations and I feel like I'm failing him.

He's kinda like a mentor to me and I don't want to disappoint him by submitting a shitty dissertation. Especially after the last one was so well received I was offered a publishing deal (which I declined during one of the worst periods of my entire life, because depression is that bitch). It's his last year at uni, I'm one of his last students. He has fucking personally chosen to mentor me.

I really can't let him down but I feel like I'm burning out. Way too fast. Just a few months ago I was sure I wanted to start a PhD program. Now I don't even want to think about anything related to science. And it scares the shit out of me because I've dreamed about this for the longest time and I don't really have any other option for myself.

I feel lost as fuck. So I guess I should take this kind of hiatus to work my best (even if i fail at least i was trying, right?), reflect on some things, and hopefully detangle some ropes that have me stuck in this place I'm in. Because I don't like where I am right now.

I will still be here, but I have decided to delete the rest of my social media accounts (Twitter goes first, then Facebook as soon as I'm done with university, not sure about Instagram yet). I need to focus on other stuff. I noticed there are way to many small things around me that trigger some negative thoughts, some of which I thought I said goodbye to when I was 16.

I'm 25 this year. I've been studying since I was 5. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people, but I do it anyway. And I see exactly what I have missed out on.

It sucks. But it is how it is I guess.

[starscattered-blog1]

(HHHHHH IT’S STORMING OVER HERE AND THUNDERING AND I’M TERRIFIED OF THUNDER)

[squeakadeeks]

HMM grumbles

just a bit of cos’ rambling. you know the drill. 

HURF squeaks got into it again on this one boys. So, if you were keeping up with progress stamps, you’d notice that Pit took like...a stupid amount of time to get done. I mean i started, stopped and re-worked the project about 4 times. Most of that was because despite the fact that I love the character...i had such a hard time motivating myself on that project. It felt like an obligation. Picking up fabrics made me feel like a disgruntled Ross employee. I didnt want to do it, and not because it was hard, but because my heart wasn't in it or w/e. i really disliked it, and tbh? I would catch myself wishing i had never taken on the project. I’m glad the project is over, and again: LOVE PIT and wearing the cos makes me happy, but it was a miserable production experience. it wasnt fun, it wasn’t enjoyable, like a HOBBY should be. I never want to work like that again. 

I really need to like working on cosplay, since its one of my most viable coping mechanisms. Working on something fun and enjoyable is a great way to calm down from bad symptoms, distract myself from delusions, or keep myself from doing anything dumb while manic. Botching a seam on a manic high is much less dangerous than breaking things, splurge spending, or impulse driving off to god knows where. Its also consistently positive, and does not have risk of negativity like socialization can, where i can overburden them, wrap them into a delusion, or breach boundaries. 

but now im cautious. I’m planning on doing Dancer Inigo, and i’ve already sunk some finances into it...but i  feel exactly like i did with Pit. Its not fun, its not enjoyable, i dont like working on it. i feel frustrated and unmotivated. im really worried that this is going to become a trend. NOW GRANTED: legit...on every cos ive ever done,I spend the first half being super over dramatic and hating it, but eventually i catch on. its just that that never happened with Pit until the whole thing was done. it was rough and i dont want that to happen again. 

I dunno man. part of me is like “Take August off from cosplay!” but the other part of me is like “Dont be so fast to ditch your go-to coping mechanism in a rough period!” but I DUNNO maybe something will come along??

[aceteling]

shut up brain shut up brain shut uppppp