This is part of my efforts to transcribe @seananmcguire's holiday Mari Lwyd Twitter threads. The hashtag for now is #Mari Lwyd Project, the first post is here, the thread's source is here.
(Many thanks to @dor-min on finding and linking this one!)
This round is Seanan with Shepherd/@neolithicsheep protecting the cheese. Full credit to the authors, support their works!
CWs for caps, food, and alcohol.
Shepherd:
I SEE YOU SEEK CHEESES
IN PAPER OR WAX
WHILE THE SOLSTICE WIND FREEZES
AND THE YURTGOAT EATS SNACKS
YOU SHAN'T HAVE MY LEICESTER
YOU CAN'T TAKE MY BRIE
NOT MY MANCHEGO NOR CHEDDAR
MY CHEESE IS FOR ME
Seanan:
IF YOU DO NOT SHARE CHEESES,
NO MORE WILL BE FOUND.
THE GLORY OF CHEESE
IS TO PASS IT AROUND,
FOR THE SUNRISE TOMORROW
WILL BREAK WINTER IN TWAIN.
DON'T YOU WANT TO PLACATE
THIS HORSE'S REMAINS?
Shepherd:
THIS IS A FARM, YOU BONY EQUINE
THE LIVESTOCK EATS HAY
AND IT'S VERY FINE
SO HERE IS A FLAKE OF SOME NICE TIMOTHY
BUT NO CHEESES FOR YOU
THE CHEESE IS FOR ME
Seanan:
THE MEANS OF THE MARI
TAKES ODD HUSBANDRY
THE HAY IS FOR HORSES,
THE CHEESE IS FOR ME.
FOR I HAVE BEEN DEAD
FOR FAR LONGER THAN YOU:
SHARING IS CARING,
YOU KNOW THAT IT'S TRUE.
GIVE YOUR CHEESE UNTO THE DEAD.
DON'T TRY TO OFFER GRAINS INSTEAD.
Shepherd:
WITHOUT FIBER YOU'LL FOUNDER
YOUR FEET WILL ROTATE
AND ALL JUST BECAUSE OF THE CHEESE THAT YOU ATE
WE CAN'T HAVE THE MARI LAID UP IN A STALL
YOU'LL EAT THIS NICE HAY
OR GET NOTHING AT ALL
Seanan:
I HAVE PLENTY OF CHEESE,
SO I'LL SUP ON YOUR HAY.
THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN:
I WILL BE ON MY WAY.
Shepherd:
DO YOU NEED DEWORMING OR RIBBONS TO GO
OR MAYBE A BLANKET IN CASE OF THE SNOW
IT WOULDN'T BE FRIENDLY TO LET A HORSE SNEEZE
PS I DID SAVE YOU A SMALL CHRISTMAS CHEESE
Seanan:
RIBBONS ARE WELCOME, THEY GO WITH MY CROWN
I'LL CARRY THEM UP AND I'LL CARRY THEM DOWN
AS I GO A-SEEKING MY CHEESE THROUGH THE LAND.
MY THANKS ARE FOR YOU, AND YOUR RUMINANT BAND.
Livetweet of accidentally getting into fairyland...
Best twitter thread ever?
https://twitter.com/NeolithicSheep/status/1330548523721515013
Shepherd: Oh hey Ursula, do you have the number for those people who take out invasive plants still?
Ursula: Probably somewhere, yeah. They said they didn’t usually work on such small properties, though, and I don’t know if I’ve got an infestation worth their time.
Shepherd: Ok but what if I say "kudzu" to you, can we throw enough money at them to make it worth their time.
Ursula: If you say “kudzu” to me, I will panic, scream, and come running to Dogskull with a flamethrower.
Shepherd: Ok well I suggest driving but maybe pack up the flamethrower.
Ursula: OH MY GOD YOU FOUND KUDZU OH GOD WHERE IS IT ARE YOU SURE IT ISN’T JUST WILD GRAPE
Shepherd: YES I KNOW WHAT WILD GRAPE LOOKS LIKE THANK YOU anyway I was walking Beamer this morning after the deer ate breakfast and the white deer was walking down toward the back of the property, you know that low tucked away part? And I thought, well, we'll just trail after her at a polite distance and if I'm lucky I'll find some of her fur caught on a bush! Wouldn't that be great! So we kept going past the big ass fucking oak trees that make, like, that weird arch? And there's kudzu.
Ursula: What big oak trees?! There’s no big oak trees back there! It’s all pine!
Shepherd: Yeah you know, the two really big motherfuckers that look like English oak. They're like, way the fuck back there.
Ursula: There are no English oak on Dogskull. Are you sure you weren’t trespassing on the Freemason’s property?
Shepherd: No they're closer to the front I think? Who's next door to them? Also I thought Dog Skull was 7 acres? Because I should be off it and hitting the road by now.
Ursula: Next door to them is the people with the trailer on its side. Do you see any trailers lying on their sides?
Shepherd: A lot of oak trees, a little bit of kudzu, zero trailers in any orientation. Some birds and squirrels. Oh hey Beamer found a nice pond.
Ursula: Okay, this is important. Do the oak trees still have leaves on them?
Shepherd: Yeah but so does the one up front.
Oh wait. These are, uh, still green. Like summer green.
Ursula: Right. Okay. This could be a problem. Give me a couple minutes, we have to take trash to the dump and then I’ll look some stuff up. Meanwhile, DON’T EAT ANYTHING.
Shepherd: You mean in case it's poisonous, right? Like THEORETICALLY if I didn't see this tweet until just now and HYPOTHETICALLY I found an apple tree and ate an apple, that would be fine?
Ursula: ...that would not be fine.
Shepherd: Beamer didn't want any, which was weird I thought.
Ursula: INDUCE VOMITING! INDUCE VOMITING!
Shepherd: He didn't eat anything! I'm not going to gag my dog for not eating an apple!
Ursula: Not the dog! Induce vomiting in yourself! Every chunk of that apple needs to come out before you digest it!
Shepherd: FINE. I have puked it up. It was a really good apple, too.
Ursula: Oh thank god. Whew. Okay. The alternative was that you were gonna need a cold iron enema and I wasn’t sure how to do that on short notice.
Shepherd: Oh hey fun fact, "cold iron" is just, like, iron. It's not a special kind or anything!
Ursula: Do you have any on you right now? Beamer’s collar or tags or anything?
Shepherd: Collar hardware is all aluminum these days, otherwise it rusts. Let me pat down my pockets.
Syringe of dewormer? Is that helpful?
Shepherd: Anyway I don't want to alarm you but uh. I can't find the trail I followed? So you and Kevin will need to go over tonight and give the boys [i.e. oxen] a hay bale and the goats and sheep two.
Ursula: No! I am scared of cows! We have to get you out of there!
Look, I have a bunch of Llewelyn books from my teenage pagan days. I’m sure Scott Cunningham or Silver Ravenwolf covered this somewhere.
Shepherd: Scott Cunningham seems like a really drastic measure just because you're afraid of some cows. But sooner or later I'm going to run out of cigarettes so sure, why not.
Oh!! The boys' bow pins are in my pocket, I was going to sand them today and oil them! They're very definitely iron!
Ursula: That’s good! That’s very good! If anyone tries to talk to you, keep hold of those!
Now let’s see...do you consider yourself a “solitary practitioner?”
Shepherd: Ursula I'm an ornamental hermit, you don't get much more solitary.
Also so far the only person who tried to talk to me was a frog.
Ursula: ...what did the frog say?
Shepherd: "SMOKING KILLS."
I tossed it back in the pond.
Ursula: *rubs forehead*
Shepherd: Fucking frogs are all alike, I'm telling you.
Ursula: I really wish these authors had spent less time on “why Wicca isn’t Satanism” and more time on “what to do when you’ve strayed into the fae realms.” I mean, I understand it was the political climate of the time...
Shepherd: I feel like nobody really covers that last one anymore. You have 4 hours until the cows want dinner.
Ursula: Silver Ravenwolf suggests making your magical working space more inviting with stencils?
These books spend a surprising amount of time on interior decorating as a vital part of ritual magick. I never noticed that when I was fifteen.
Shepherd: Yeah me neither honestly. It's remarkably unhelpful when you're stuck in faerie and your collie is getting bored.
Shepherd: So you want me to... Build a magical working space and stencil it?
Ursula: I can’t actually see how that would help matters. Maybe I should check the Foxfire books instead.
Shepherd: I... Don't remember them having anything relevant, but I might be wrong?
Ursula: They have everything. Ooh, this one is about how to scald the bristles off a hog!
Shepherd: A) I already know how to do that and B) I do not have a hog, sufficient firewood, or a hog scrubbing brush here.
FOCUS, URSULA. FOCUS.
Ursula: Sorry, the ADHD meds haven’t kicked in yet today...uh...let’s see...avoid whippoorwills, if you see any?
Shepherd: I do that already, otherwise they steal your toenails.
Ursula: If you harvest apples, leave one on the tree or it attracts the Devil.
Shepherd: You told me not to eat the apples! Am I allowed to eat the apples now??
Ursula: No! These are hypothetical apples! NO EATING! I tried to look up deer in the Foxfire books and there’s a story about somebody’s grandpa wrestling a buck in a mill dam and drowning it, but I don’t see the relevance here.
I mean, Grandpa does sound like a badass, though.
Shepherd: I feel like I shouldn't wrestle deer here. What if I try telling Beamer to find his sheep?
Ursula: Well, research has hit a small snag. I tried googling for the foxfire books and kudzu, in case there was something about fae kudzu portals, right? But it turns out your Twitter is the third hit.
Shep, we may BE the experts.
Shepherd: Uh oh. OK. In that case, you and Kevin go over to Dog Skull. Hitch up Cole and Cannon and take them back to the oak trees. Put a logging chain around one and yell real loud "LET SHEPHERD OUT OR WE START PULLING"
Ursula: Oh hell no! I read tree law Reddit! I know how this ends!
Do you want us to get sued by Freemasons?!
Shepherd: I DON'T THINK THE FREEMASONS ARE THE PROBLEM HERE, URSULA
Ursula: I DON’T TRUST THEM WITH THEIR LITTLE LEVELS AND SHEEPSKINS AND WEIRDLY OCULAR PYRAMIDS
Also if you see a pyramid with an eye on it, don’t eat it’s either.
Ursula: Okay. Never mind the Freemasons. I wrote a book about this once, I think. White animals, scary fae, random magic deer. It was set in Finland, so you may need to fashion some umlauts, though.
Shepherd: I've got my chore knife, I can carve so many umlauts. Do I just put them in trees until I get back?
Ursula: First of all, are you wearing pants?
Shepherd: YES I'M WEARING PANTS YOU WEIRDO
Ursula: t’s a legitimate question! I mean, I’m not wearing pants.
Now Shep, this is very important. You have to take off your pants.
Also your shoes, your hoodie, and probably Beamer’s collar.
Shepherd: Ursula. Why are we getting naked.
Ursula: To break the misdirection spell! Put your clothes on backwards!
And possibly inside out? Shit, there’s a bunch of different sources. I don’t know if they have to be inside out, but definitely backwards.
Uh...let’s see...hmm, backwards definitely. Inside out might be for leshy. Leshies? Leshys? What’s the plural form, do you think?
If you happen to see any giggling green hairy dudes, ask them what the plural form of their name is. That’s gonna bug me.
Shepherd: Beamer's collar doesn't have a backwards! I'll turn it inside out. And my clothes backwards and inside out, got it.
Shepherd: There's just, like, frogs. And squirrels. I can hear music though! There might be a dance party, I could go ask about green hairy dudes?
Ursula: STAY AWAY FROM THE MUSIC unless it’s the Freemasons I guess
Shepherd: No it's more folk music. The Freemasons play, like, Michael Jackson.
ANYWAY clothes are backwards and inside out. Beamer's collar is backwards and just to be thorough I tied the rope end of his leash to his collar instead of using the clip, so his leash is backwards too. He's pulling me away from the pond!
Ursula: Tell him to go find his sheep!
Shepherd: I have so instructed him! Hopefully there's not, like, the faerie equivalent of really good sheep here. Hey do you want me to grab you an apple
Ursula: No, they don’t come true from seed, but if you can cut me a decent slightly whippy twig with a few leaves, I might be able to root that sucker.
Shepherd: ...you want me to pause a collie on a mission while I test the whippiness of twigs??
I HEAR MOOING. I SEE PINE TREES.
Ursula: GO TOWARD THE MOOING
Shepherd: THERE'S THE OLD RUSTED OUT METAL THING! I'm back! On uh the opposite side of the property from the one I left from.
Also there's a goddamned chorus frog calling.
Ursula: Yeah, they do that.
Ursula: THANK GOD THE KUDZU IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PORTAL
...oh, and you’re back, that’s good too. Very pleased.
Shepherd: Anyway you don't have to feed the boys. Unless you want to?
Ursula: There is no situation where I will WANT to feed your giant-ass death bovines.
Also, what have we learned about following the white doe into the woods?
Shepherd: She knows where the really good apples are?
