A wee drabble about Sollux's conflicted feelings on Eridan in the aftermath of his betrayal.
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As much as you detested him at times—as much as you longed to leave him sore and broken—you hurt when you imagined a world without him.
It was equal parts paranoia and fear for his safety that prompted you to question Feferi's decision to ask him to infiltrate the Alternian military, sometimes out loud. You could see that she was hurt and jealous when you expressed your concerns, even as she defended her decision with logic instead of emotion. It was one of the few times the two of you expressed blacker leanings toward one another as you danced around the actual problem, burying it beneath hostility that refused to be given a name.
In some ways she was still the same. She still held the same beliefs, and none of the others seemed to notice any change. But you were alone with her far more often than they were, and you saw how she struggled against the innate aggression of her caste.
She still avoided getting her hands dirty, but for different reasons. She feared she'd lose herself to her bloodlust, and you had no comforting words to reassure her. You'd seen her kill, and you'd seen the mixture of horror and ecstasy on her face, and you'd felt her lips on yours after, insistent and forceful—violent.
You feared her at times. She would never hurt you, not intentionally and not unless you wanted it, but there was a certain look in her eyes when you mentioned Eridan. She seldom smiled when you made fish puns after a while, and you knew she was wondering if it was really her that inspired you to make them. That was something special between the two of you, and though she wouldn't mention it, you knew that she hated seeing you with another sea dweller—that she hated seeing you with Eridan.
If you had always, always felt black for him, she would have been uncomfortable with your choice, but not jealous. And you never told her about the times you felt more flushed, just as she never told you of her jealousy, but you knew each other too well. It was a silent argument you had all the time, hidden between the other words you said.
So many times you'd almost promised her you'd stop. So many times, you'd started to tell him you couldn't do this anymore, but the words always died on your lips.
The very thing that prompted her jealousy and subsequently your remorse and desire to end things was the very thing that kept you from doing so. You couldn't leave him, not when you felt red, but even at your blackest, you vacillated the moment you considered life without him.
You remember the first night she questioned you out loud. You were bruised and limping, your wrist bandaged and useless at your side, but you couldn't hide your smile. The pity in her eyes all but evaporated as she looked at you, eyebrows raised and arms crossed.
“You look awful.” You could hear the accusation in her voice as well as her concern.
“I feel awful,” you said with a shrug.
For a moment she looked ready to accept that, and you braced yourself for a night of unspoken frustrations. But for once she seemed ready to confront the issue.
“Do you really?” She demanded, pointing out that you looked very pleased for someone who'd just had the shit beat out of them.
You remember telling her it was official—he'd called you his kismesis. You were in a quadrant. It was mutual. And she retaliated by telling you she'd been his moirail when they were both young, and she knew what he wanted in a black relationship and she didn't want that for you.
You called her controlling. Said a lot of other terrible things that hurt like hell to remember when she was gone. She finally broke down and told you what bothered her most about your relationship. It wasn't just his hatred of land dwellers or his sadistic desires—it was the memory of you slumped over against the wall when he'd beaten you. She confessed through her tears that she died thinking he'd killed you, and she could forgive him for what he did to her, but she didn't want him near you. She couldn't stand to see the marks he left all over your body. They reminded her of what he was capable of.
You took her in your arms and tried to reassure her. Sweeps had passed—you were far more capable than you had been. But so was he, she insisted. And you took offense at her concern.
“I get it! I'll always be a helpless wiggler to you because of my shitty blood,” you remember screaming at her. “You're as casteist as the rest of them!”
And you'd never been so angry as when she didn't deny it. Pity, of course, was an important part of feeling red for someone, but you didn't want it to be about your blood.
Even when you were meeting Eridan regularly, you worried it was just a fling. You could put up enough of a fight to excite him, but perhaps it wasn't enough. Perhaps he held back for you. You tried to explain how happy you were to hear him say you were his kismesis for the first time. Eridan Ampora would never fill his black quadrant with someone he believed to be his inferior.
But telling her this only made her more upset, and there was nothing you could say or do to make it better. Nothing that you were willing to do, at least. If you'd known how right she was to be concerned, you would have let her win that fight, but you wouldn't have left him. Despite all he's done, you can't quite bring yourself to wish away the time you had with him.
And you know with certainty that you'll never be whole again, because even now you still wax red for him at times. And you hate yourself for even feeling black, but how could you hate him platonically when you can't even hate him at all sometimes? There is nothing platonic about your feelings, even when you fantasize about killing him. But even at your blackest, a switch is flipped when you imagine a world without him.
Vacillation starts with the fear of losing him, and your thoughts form a loop that you can't resolve. You cannot forgive or forget—only hope that whatever end finds him finds you as well.
LIFE STORY:Opening Credits: "Our Farewell" - Within TemptationWaking Up: “Path of the Lifewarden” -Derek Duke, Glenn Stafford & Russell BowerFirst Day At School: “Again, Again And Again” - Blaqk AudioFalling In Love: "Jolene" - Miley CyrusFight Song: "Ancient Stones" - Jeremy SouleBreaking Up: “Stockholm Syndrome” - MuseLife’s OK: "Rue’s Farewell" - James Newton HowardGetting Back Together: ”It’s All Coming Back Now” - Celine DionWedding: ”Like Toy Soldiers” - EminemBirth of Child: “Citizen Erased” - Muse
Final Battle: "Interlude" - MuseDeath Scene: "Cirith Ungol" - London Oratory SchoolFuneral Song: “Breaking the Habit” - Linkin ParkEnd Credits: "From Where I Am" - Enya
