#neurodivergentthoughts

[inkandkudzu]

[meghansaint]

Vyvanse Week One: Starring Me in “Once More With Trauma”

Been on Vyvanse for a week now and honestly? It feels like I got dropped into that Buffy musical episode—Once More, With Feeling—except instead of bursting into song, I’m blurting out truths I’ve spent years learning how to swallow.

I’m clear. I’m focused. I’m me, I think. But everything around me still feels like a dream—like I’m floating a few feet above my life, narrating it while I perform it.

And I’m saying things. Honest things. Things I should’ve said months ago. Things I maybe should never say. Things that burn after they leave my mouth.

And I say them smiling.

Because for the first time in forever, my brain is running without static—but it’s also not filtering for safety. There’s no internal “Should I say this?” alarm anymore. There’s just truth. And I don’t know if that’s healing or self-destruction. Maybe both.

I’ve apologized more this week than I did the entire last year. I’ve also told more truth.

It’s just weird to finally feel like you’re functioning… only to realize everyone preferred you when you were lying.

Anyway. Cue the outro music and let me dramatically walk away in a trench coat.

[brutalxeclipse]

It's truly difficult to put into words how I actually feel to other people who have not gone through roughly the same steps in life.

Talking to the family and employment was brought up. I can't just spill my whole life story because that's not what I would like to share. Taking a job because it's what's best for me right now is valid however taking a job that is best for me would have been to stay in a place of employment that was constantly putting me on blast, talking to me like I was unintelligent, treating me other than human, etc. would have actually sent me either to the fuzzy sock hospital or over a bridge.

My family did not have any backstory about me so their advise was sound and logical. However I would like to urge people to not assume that getting a job is going to magically fix your problems and getting a job is not going to magically wipe away all the traumatizing experiences we have all had in hellhole work places. Do I want to work, yes. Have I found a place I wanna go, fuck no. I have a shipping dock full of containers of employment trauma and excuse me for jumping on the wagon again to possibly get mistreated again.

The advise is sound and logical but to just say get a job for the time being is not as easy as one might think. What are the steps to applying for a job? What is the probability they will call or email you? What is the probability they will interview you? Is your resume correct? Is your cover letter good enough? Are you supposed to write a cover letter or a CV? Who do you send that shit too? LIKE WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING STEPS?!?

Fuck society. Fuck your norms. Eat a cactus and swallow. 🤙🏾