#2024thoughts

[brutalxeclipse]

I never feel like I can be myself anymore....

I feel like I've lost my sense of self....

#deardiary2025

[brutalxeclipse]

Anyone else tired of being tired?

It's not the physical tired, it's the emotional/mental tiredness that I am experiencing and I don't know how to get out from underneath it.

Yes, resting is preferred but what if I can't do that or I don't have the option? Then what?

[brutalxeclipse]

It's truly difficult to put into words how I actually feel to other people who have not gone through roughly the same steps in life.

Talking to the family and employment was brought up. I can't just spill my whole life story because that's not what I would like to share. Taking a job because it's what's best for me right now is valid however taking a job that is best for me would have been to stay in a place of employment that was constantly putting me on blast, talking to me like I was unintelligent, treating me other than human, etc. would have actually sent me either to the fuzzy sock hospital or over a bridge.

My family did not have any backstory about me so their advise was sound and logical. However I would like to urge people to not assume that getting a job is going to magically fix your problems and getting a job is not going to magically wipe away all the traumatizing experiences we have all had in hellhole work places. Do I want to work, yes. Have I found a place I wanna go, fuck no. I have a shipping dock full of containers of employment trauma and excuse me for jumping on the wagon again to possibly get mistreated again.

The advise is sound and logical but to just say get a job for the time being is not as easy as one might think. What are the steps to applying for a job? What is the probability they will call or email you? What is the probability they will interview you? Is your resume correct? Is your cover letter good enough? Are you supposed to write a cover letter or a CV? Who do you send that shit too? LIKE WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING STEPS?!?

Fuck society. Fuck your norms. Eat a cactus and swallow. 🤙🏾

[brutalxeclipse]

Reflection:

I enjoy life for what it is and what it will become but man am I fucking exhausted of all the bullshit that we gotta go through just to breathe on this earth.

But if I decide to leave then I won't get to watch the trees turn colors again...

#2024thoughts #eclipsethoughts #eclipseblog

[brutalxeclipse]

2nd scariest thing about having friends online is if something does happen and they just disappear off the Internet, what do you do? You can't contact them, you can't call them, you don't know their address to even try to have emergency services check in on them.

It's actually a fucking nightmare... I love my online friends but man I am terrified that one day they will just disappear and that's it and I will forever be worried about them.

2024thoughts

[brutalxeclipse]

I wish there was a device that would put all of my thoughts into writing. Like Morse code so that I didn't have to think about these dumb ass intrusive mean thoughts....I could think about them and BAM they are gone.....then I'd have to start the cycle again 🤦🏾‍♀️

I guess the silver lining is that if they don't want to learn about it, nor have the mental capacity to learn about it but they still like having me around...are they truly ignoring me/my needs? Or am I living in delulu land?

#2024thoughts