I'm thinking a lot ab that Susan Stryker writing ab medical abuse and power (specifically the surgery one) while dealing w my medical issues getting worse and learning to diy . I pulled out my own iv , I'm learning to do gastric tube feeding on my own entirely , i excise my own cysts and stitch the incisions closed on my own , I file my own dental fillings . how the 'He' in power of actually helping me is leaving me to waste away on my own and having to use my own hands , nail polish and all , to hurt my own body in order to heal better . I cut myself open because the alternative is waiting a year for someone else to do it badly . I close myself up and heal my own wounds because noone else will do it with as much love and tenderness as I will . and that's like , really harrowing . but it's the reality of being severely disabled (and I do mean severely) . it is disturbing to hear that someone u love is doing surgery on itself in bed at 2am , but noone will tell me not to . because they understand what the other option is . and sometimes I just wish the hot bulldyke doctor was the one holding the knife instead .
