#neverbeenloved

[bangtanffics]

note #2

Sometimes I take these stupid drops that are supposed to help me sleep.

They don’t really work.

This week I’ve managed to sleep more or less 10 hours. Napping, barely keeping my eyes closed at night.

I think. I think way too much for someone my age. I have too much on my mind.

Failure is written all over my skin. Carved out in those scars that you can’t see because I was too damn good at taking care of them.

I wish I had those non-life-changing drops back when I was 16.. they would have helped me believe I was okay.

Now I know I’m not okay, I don’t even try to hide it anymore.

What’s the fucking point, you know? I clearly am sad more than the average person, I am not okay with myself in any way and I cannot love anyone.

I can’t.

How do you do that? How do you love when you know damn well that people are gonna shatter your heart and stomp over your feeling like you’re nothing? Like you never really mattered?

Because I never really mattered.

Always had a shadow over my head..

Whether it was my brothers of my father, showing off that they were better than me.. 

You know, it’s not THAT DIFFICULT to be better than me. I’m not special.

I wish I was.

Maybe I would be loved.

Maybe I would not have depression.

Maybe I would be pretty is someone’s eyes.

Maybe I would not still be a virgin.

Maybe I would have had my first kiss.

Maybe I could actually live...

[ednalightofmylife]

Thoughts on rejection.

I recently began dating again. Perhaps it was because I felt like I needed to prove that I could, perhaps it was to help me get over my ex. But it was definitely because I am lonely. 

I started by telling my friends that I was ready to get out there again, after all a year and a half is a long time to pine for someone who never even loved you. So here was the opportunity, my co-worker had a friend she wanted to set me up with, I said yes- she exchanged our number.

He text me, he was so sweet. We spend a couple days texting, and never having seen each other. We decided to add each other on a social media site, those pictures were the first looks... By coincidence (or not), he immediately stopped replying to my messages. 

He sees a picture of me and that’s that?... I mean I know I’m not gorgeous, but am I that bad? I guess so. Am I just so ugly that days of great conversation can be thrown away? I guess so. I guess I am that bad. He probably noticed my fat arms, or fat hips, maybe my narrow eyes, or crooked mouth. 

So here I am, stepping out there. Trying to date, after finding out that I’ve never even been loved. And first chance I get I’m met with rejection. 

So I’m left with the thought.. Should I try again. Or should I quit? I don’t know how many more times I can be hurt.

BH                  09.01.15

[yet-all-i-feel-is-fear]

2 • Entrada: lets commit suicide Yay! OKNOT

Que miserable es tener que respirar sabiendo que no eres lo que se necesita.
- “En realidad yo nunca he estado plenamente satisfecho con ninguna mina” 
Y la frase continúa en mi mente con un afilado puñal: “eso te incluye” No debería estar torturandome la piel por el dolor… simplemente debería ponerlo a dormir… de una vez y para siempre. Cómo duele! Cómo mierda duele.

[jenga14]

28.3.15

I get depressed whenever I notice how everyone around me is adored or loved by someone... And than there’s me. What am I doing wrong that noone feels attracted to me

[champagnelipgloss]

What's Love Like ?

     Honestly, I've never fallen in love, and I've never been loved. Sure, I've said, "I love you"... but aren't you supposed to say it back when you're 3 months into a relationship?

     My relationships have never lasted long anyways...