This Week
Was frustrating. It didn’t exactly start out great.
Monday was a series of events which made me feeling grossly inadequate. I had “imposter” syndrome to the max. For those unfamiliar, “imposter syndrome” is essentially the feeling that you are ill-qualified/not worthy/stupid as a medical provider. This is a terribly common thing in new graduates who suddenly have all this authority and responsibility yet lack confidence in themselves and, honestly, still have a lot to learn. I had my imposter brewing and it really came to a head this Monday and it was not good.
I came home and I felt drained. Sad. Stupid. Every mistake I made or every question I couldn’t answer for the past 2 months just sort of came to a head and made me feel so overwhelmed. So inadequate. So unworthy. Those of you who have felt this understand the complete weight of it. And Monday, it basically flattened me.
Thing did get better. Mr. PopPen is incredibly supportive. Like, he just knows when I get like this and he made me dinner, put on Shawn the Sheep, and let me just decompress. I went back to work on Tuesday, determined to just work through it all. Take every question as an opportunity to learn and every mistake as a reminder of how much I have to learn.
I struggle with so much right now. Ordering things on Epic. Lord, this is still a problem. Better than 8 weeks ago, but still a struggle. I still do not feel comfortable or confident prescribing benzos/narcs/sedatives. I am constantly double checking with our pharmacist. God bless her because I assault her with so many questions. Her patience is something I value so much.
When nurses come to me and ask me questions, I have times where I honestly do not understand why I am being asked said question. Or they “ask” things in a suggestive way. Do I grant the request? When I look at the labs, does the patient REALLY need whatever the nurse is asking?? What are the protocols??? I just generally feel dumb and lack confidence. Adjusting pain meds, choosing dressings - it’s just...ugh. A lot to learn.
I 1000% get that burn medicine is such a steep learning curve. It’s this weird amalgamation of critical care, wound care, EM, and surgical concepts. We have an aspect of internal med with trying to manage concurrent issues. I get that I have a lot to learn and I try to remind myself EVERY DAY that I am a NEW graduate and that, all things considered, I am about where I need to be. But it is so hard. I am such a perfectionist. I want to do everything right the first time. I want to know all the things.
The tough truth about medicine is that we as providers (or nurses or whomever) hold ourselves to such high standards which in many ways we cannot achieve straight out of school (and maybe never, though we may get close). There is SO much that you have to learn on your own on the job. It’s scary, really.
If I think about my first day 8 weeks ago, I really knew nothing about burn or floor management of patients. I try to compare myself to this point or even at graduation. I know SO much more now. I am making progress. I am learning. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of this so that the imposter does not creep up too often. Inevitably, the imposter appears. It lurks and feeds off of our mistakes, our failures. But, it is temporary and over time it does fade.
