Aggressively Passive
Barely past midnight, my eyes were half empty and draining onto a soul half full. It was then that I finally realized that there was a part of me desperate for healing. It’s funny how you only notice certain parts of your body when they’re metaphorically broken - blocked noses, sore throats, runny tummies. It was amidst the act of trying to swoon a woman that it became painfully obvious to me why I would never be able to get her. I reeked, not of the Dawa I had gulped to steady the nerves, but of years of childhood trauma and mental instability crawling out of my pores like the coastal heat had something to do with it. To acknowledge one’s flaws is the first step in truly overcoming them, so I wholeheartedly acknowledged the following flaws: 1) I completely lack confidence; 2) I lack a great deal of selfish desire.
I can only hypothesize that my passive nature complemented by my Buddhist mentality resulted in this awkward blend of teenage shyness and unrealistic empathy towards all those I interact with, however it’s far too late for me to test this out. What’s done is done and now I can only sit and wonder why I didn’t come to this conclusion sooner. I always fall on the old excuse that it’s these women don’t get me when friends and family inquire on my persistent “singleness” if you would, yet how can I blame them if I’m too scared to say what’s on my mind? Too courteous to ask for sex? Too considerate to risk hurting their feelings? In their shoes, would the same preemptive questions come into mind? In my struggle towards nirvana I stripped myself of as much desire as I could muster, and this is my shortcoming. This current world is based on selfishness, on people trying to achieve their own personal goals motivated by their own personal beliefs. How can I hope to change society if I don’t take part in it?
I must be selfish for the selfless, an advocate for those who purely seek to better themselves and those around them. I need to want change selfishly, and must never be willing to compromise on it unnecessarily for the sake of others; that is my best chance of success in the future. But as I learnt painfully on that night, I lack the experience to properly regulate and throttle between this ‘selfishness’ and ‘selflessness’. Practice is key for me to master this concept, so I’ll start with the little things in life until I get the hang of it. If you irritate me, fuck off. If I want you, I’ll tell you straight up. I’ll do what I want because it’s convenient to me and not to you. I can only hope that it’s not too late for me to implement this new perspective into my life, and hope that my mind will find solace in the lesson learnt that night over the agony of a wasted opportunity to procreate.
