is this freedom?
how freeing it is to lose that Faith
-- & how dreadfully awful it was
to lose that self within the Self
so carefully built over years
of tears,
of pain.
how strange it was to doubt without guilt
when I woke up this morning.
how nice it is
to use my brain
to think my own thoughts
without guilt just for the thinking.
what a strange and arbitrary god you serve
to give me such a mind as mine,
yet not permitting me to press the ON switch !
what a fragile system
to resort to the
condemning of my doubt,
hiding of the answers
to the pain
and to the spirits
that take away my peace
how freeing it is to exist as I am
to think without guilt
to consider my life as my own
to consider my choices
and own them
without begging for the elusive Self
the hiding Spirit - -
to guide me down some path
whence I know not where.
how freeing it was when I set aside
my begging
yet how awful it was
to lose my friend
to lose my god
to lose that form of peace
my entire purpose
my life’s work and path
and I walked away.
yet how freeing it is!
to be open and shameless
before this Spirit
I cannot believe I am destined for hell
if It gave me such a mind as mine
& if I am guilty
then how hopeless it must be
to please It.
Father, Father;
do not forgive me if I have sinned
for that has no meaning
to me !
Father, Father;
explain it to me instead
shine light where there is darkness
let the truth create a peace
in the doubt that eats my soul.
I don’t want to be forgiven
for using my own mind
let me understand
the meaning of my rhyme
let me understand !
why I have spent all my life !
running to -
begging for -
You.
is it freedom
I have found -
or is it sin ?
is it possible to know the difference?
all I can say
is how freeing it is!
yet how terrifying;
yet how awful;
yet how confusing;
to use this mind such as mine
to be the one taking over my life!
is this freedom ?
I don’t know yet.