So it’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything myself, I’ve been down lately.
And I just need to get some shit off my chest, if you read this great. If not, you’re just missing some emotional turmoil. It’s gotten so bad that I’m eating less and sleeping even less than that.
So lately, well, the last few days I’ve been in my head entirely too much. More than normal, and I’m stuck in my head a lot. Which happens when I work 8hrs at a factory usually by myself for the majority of the 8hrs. So I have a lot of time to think. And I’ve been thinking a lot about a situation with this guy (shocker right? A girl thinking about a guy) he’s actually a co-worker which makes it worse.
I started at this factory back in June and about September this guy, let’s call him Eric, started to pick at me a bit. Like calling me over, and throwing small parts at me or moving my cart I push around. Eric always had a lot to say. Always making jokes to get me to laugh and he’d always laugh at me. He’s got a killer smile too. And from September to October things started to escalate pretty well. He’d call me over all the time and we’d talk a bit here and there. And I’d help with the assembly line he works on from time to time with small things since I don’t work on the assembly line. And By November he’s sitting with me at lunch and we’re just talking a lot, and we exchange numbers and we’re texting here and there. But I found it awkward to text him because I literally see him 8hrs a day. And by December we’ve been asked by at least 3 different people if we’re dating and he’s gotten touchy. Like nudging me, and sometimes lightly shoving me if I make a snarky comment. And at this point I’m thinking, Eric and I could be something. Like we could actually be a thing. And I decide that after the beginning of 2016 I was going to take a chance and ask him out. See what happens. But I was still scared cause of the normal things, of rejection and such, but I made a deal with myself if things kept going well as soon as we got back from Christmas shut down I’d ask him.
The week before Christmas shutdown was just crazy, I was getting nudged and picked on at a whole new level. All the smiles and laughter is getting more frequent and I think things are great. The Thursday and Friday before he’s hanging on me a bit, and poking my sides and throwing his arm over my shoulder, physical contact I’m not too used to. So I’m blushing like mad, and shrinking away and stumbling over my words. And he’s laughing and calling me out on my flusteredness.
Christmas break goes well, but I was constantly hoping he was having a good christmas since he was spending it alone. I literally spent a good portion of my family vacation on a fucking cruise ship worried about Eric. Then I get home and I go to see him that Monday and tell him why I didn’t reply to his text, I was literally in the middle of the ocean, and he tells me he saw my reply. And then nothing.
It’s been an entire month now and he’s said maybe three words to me. He’s barely even looked at me. I finally broke down a few weeks ago and told a friend at work my troubles and she tells me that Eric has been facebooking this girl for months and she’s coming to see him. Then I hear they went on a date. Which is great I guess. Apparently they’re dating now, I’m not entirely sure to be quite honest. I don’t talk to him anymore so I have no idea.
I’m over here trying to get over all this emotional bullshit I’ve been dealing with because I was stupid and started to care for this asshole. I spent so much time getting to know him and sharing about myself to at least start a friendship and then I’m dropped like an old gum wrapper. Like I’m nothing. I feel like I was used while he was waiting to hear from this girl, like I was a filler. I feel like an idiot for thinking he actually liked him. For thinking I’d be worth it to him. There were a few red flags but I ignored those because I was infatuated. And now I’m kicking myself.
But I’ve already cried over it, one night. That’s all he’s worth. I cried and now I’m trying so hard to keep my anger under control around him because I want to yell and scream, I want to know why I’m not even worth a god damn explanation. I don’t even get a “sorry.” Just silence and glances sometimes now.
I was talking to a friend and I told her I think one of the reasons this happened was because I was scared to make a move sooner because I lack dating experience AND I’m terrified of commitment. Like, commitment is scarier than clowns and the unknown of the darkness combined. Ter-ri-fied. Just the thought makes me shudder. And she doesn’t want me to beat myself up over this and I don’t plan to. Things like this, the happen for a reason, they’re lessons.
One of those red flags I mentioned earlier was one day when he was teaching me something on the assembly line he goes, “C’mon get your hands dirty for once.” And that actually pissed me off because I’m not some silver spoon fed spoiled brat who’s never lifted a finger in her life. I’ve worked so hard I’ve gotten blistered, I’ve been covered head-to-toe in dirt from helping my parents with their projects and jobs. I used to work for my dad as a gopher, I crawled under houses in mud and dirt to get tools and I’ve literally army crawled through years of dead bugs and even a few dead critters. That comment made it seem like he thought I was spoiled and I’ve never had to work for anything. I busted my ass all through middle school and high school, dealt with so much shit from classmates to graduate with Honors in the top 20% of my class. I’ve earned everything I had today. And I’ll continue to work for everything I’ll have in the future. And to think that he simply thought so little of me drives me crazy.
At first I chalked it up to the slight age difference, he’s a year and a half younger than me. Which isn’t that bad. But it showed the longer I talked to him, the immaturity of the age difference. That also was a reason I was unsure of anything happening, even if we’re both adults. But this whole, you’re-dead-to-me-thing, it’s just him.
I don’t want to say I’ve resorted to the same behavior but I have. I smile if we make eye contact because I smile at everyone. But I haven’t uttered a word. And I’m still at the assembly line he’s at because I’m friends with the others, but I don’t even acknowledge him.
I don’t even know why I’m typing all this out anymore. I really don’t. I figured making put it all out there would help. And I hope it does. I guess if anyone wants to talk about this or just cheer me up, my ask box is open. I hope your love lives are going better than mine are.
