#nicky.pdf

[kitchencel]

dr eggman getting localized into dr robotnik is another symptom of that weird complex many westerners, particularly fantasy and/or scifi writers, have where they feel a deep need to name their villains somewhat eastern european core names to signify their evilness for bigotry reasons (though usually they go for far vaguer stuff) with some extra red scare residue sprinkled on top

[kitchencel]

stumbles out of the nonexistence covered in blood

[kitchencel]

this little freak was trying to get poisoned with cigarette butts then after me giving it a hand to walk onto it hopped onto my leg and started eating my skin

i was wondering what the occasional stinging sensation was since grasshoppers don't have any sort of venom or venom-adjacent substance, upon looking more closely i realized it was bites. at some point the freak stopped on my knee and spent some time eating thicker deader skin which i couldn't feel so i let it continue and didn't try get it off me

[kitchencel]

might shave off our hair so that it doesnt come off in clumps when i scratch my head

[kitchencel]

was trying to find a pk pfp for myself on tungle dot hell but most drawings of my source i found that fit my taste also happen to be ship art so i'd have to awkwardly crop out some manmade weirdo and the ones that aren't are made by people who dont want their art used. i might have to pick up a pencil and get good at art

[nikkanium-235]

Concentration 64

As long as I can remember, I've always felt different from the people in my environment. I don't think it was "special", or even "unique". When I was much younger, I declared myself "magic". But in all honesty, it really just seems like I never fit neatly into any of the categories that I was placed into. I'm Black but I'm also Native, supposedly, and I don't live near or go to school with many other Black people like me. I'm trans, but I'm a lesbian. I'm neurodivergent, but I'm "gifted". There are too many contradictions that I can't get rid of, and there are too many categories for me to actually sit inside of any of them comfortably.

The most important one of these to me is that I'm Black. My family comes from small towns in the American South where opportunities were scarce. Time and time again, people moved to the city and then somewhere else to create their own opportunity. My great-grandmother moved to New York City and then back here. My great-grandfather's family bought land and created their little city. But like my parents, I've haven't been "Black enough" in my life. In middle school, it was because I was in a gifted program-- I was "acting white". In high school, it's been the same. I never even get the opportunity to really spend time with other Black people in these places because of the program that's supposed to be good for my education. As if none of the other children who look like me at my school deserved to be able to take advanced classes. As if none of them could have been given the opportunity to succeed early on and not face the uphill battle that is trying to advance academically in high school.

There's another reason why I'm not "Black enough": because I'm Black and queer. My family, on both sides, has never been open to queerness, really. I can speculate about a few members of my family, but very few if any of them have ever been out. I know this isn't unique to my family-- it's something pervasive in our culture. There will be no "acting gay". I still don't know what my extended family will think when I finally tell them someday about who I really am. Judging by my parents, I don't know if it'll go over well. I have two friends like me-- other Black people who also happen to be queer. None of us have really been able to have conversations about our identities for these reasons.

Someday, I want to actually get in touch with my roots. I don't know where I'm going to go to college, because a lot of things seem possible with how things have been going so far. I'm thinking about Atlanta, but I also am not sure how my partner would feel about that. I'm thinking about so many places. I just need to find the one where I can be myself. Where it doesn't feel like I'm a bunch of categories.

Just a few thoughts.

~Nicky "Nikkanium-235"

[updated: 2025-12-05]