#nigeriandaddy

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Oh, no.

If you remember, I was in a co-ed subgroup in my professional networking group. This is the group where I met Nigerian Daddy. The group changed hosts about two years ago, the same year I stopped seeing that piece of shit.

I’m not sure I ever clearly admitted it to myself but I always hoped I would run into him again. I’m not sure what I would have actually done had I run into him. I never want to allow him the privilege of speaking to me again but I still wanted him to be in the same room as me so I could snub him.

Anyway, I was glad when the group went dead because that removed my hopes and dreams and being in the same room with him again.

But, oh, dear…

Ooooh, dear…

The original host of the group is back and she planned an event next weekend. 😂

This sub group was actually nice to be with. This host has a particular talent for bringing the nicest group members together. So, I’m actually genuinely looking forward to being with the group again.

But I have to admit that I am also excited at the thought of running into Nigerian Daddy again.

I look good as fuck. I lost weight. Your girl is shinin’. And I want him to see that.

But the more rational and protective side of me will do what is right: I will do whatever it takes possible to reduce the chance of us running into one another. He is never going to see me again after the way he disrespected me.

Meanwhile, I will daydream about the drama and excitement of running into him again through the networking group. After all, it is a possibility. I can sign up for an event and he can show up without actually making an official RSVP. 😆

…Actually, the thought of that happening kind of upsets me! I really don’t want to see him again… Ugh… Yeah. Maybe not…

My world has been so much more peaceful since I removed civvie men from my life. I don’t want to see his stupid face again…

Instead, I will enjoy knowing that he can see my name on the RSVP list and and then watching it drop if once he adds his name…

I’m vengeful. I hold grudges. So sue me.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Dexter... The Saga Continues

Everyday, I gain more and more courage to finally do away with Dexter...

In the moments I'm compelled to dump him, it's because I know he's getting over on me and I don't want to look like a fool in the end. This is a good sign - I'm doing the healthy thing and dumping him for the right reasons...

But as I plan my exit, I'm also compelled to dump him in a way that will force him to recognize my worth, come back to me, and offer me a proper allowance - I'm basically hoping that he won't let me go... This is a bad sign: I'm dumping him for the wrong reasons and I realize that I'm not quite ready to let him go...

I need to work through this. Hopefully, I will come to a place where I can make a clean break.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Sugaring with No Confidence

I sometimes hate those "leveling up" groups because they women can be mean but they can be great for building self esteem.

I was just looking through some threads and was reminded that men need to be cut off when they're not playing their part. But cutting them off comes easier when you respect yourself and have self esteem.

Feeling validated by being "chosen" by ND has me lost. I'm so emotionally attached to him that I am very nearly willing to continue being his side chick without proper compensation. If I had more belief in myself, more comfort with myself, and more love for myself, I'd be more willing to give him the chop. Today, I found myself considering to stay with him if he rejected my allowance. :/ That's not good.

I really need to be comfortable with being alone. Before I met him, I thought I was. But programming in our society is so strong: even when you're woke or enlightened, the want and need for validation through romantic relationships can be too strong to overcome. This is what I'm up against.

I was screwed from the beginning when I met ND. I'm not built for this.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

As far as Dexter is concerned, I realized I was trying to create all these ruses to manipulate him into treating me better. But going forward, the objective is not to KEEP him but to do what’s best for myself. And that can include losing him. If doing what’s best for me means losing him, then that’s a part of the plan. It’s okay and I welcome it. ☺️☺️☺️

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Ugh... I'm Getting Tired

Today, I received a phone call from Dexter in the morning (of course, he was not home as he would never call me from inside his house unless it was late at night and everyone was in bed).

I was happy to hear from him but we somehow got onto a conversation about African Americans (he's African) and I had to hear more of his attitude about African Americans (he's a self-hating black person). I finally had to address him about it and we got into a big argument.

I am pleased with myself for standing my ground when I called him out about his racist attitude. I didn't retract my argument. But I'm still angry and really wound up about the argument. I need to calm down...

I did not sign up for this shit. Once again, I've found myself trapped in a (quasi) relationship that I'm finding hard to get out of. This is why I've avoided men for the last 2 years (except my clients). This relationship stress is bullshit. So unnecessary.

What makes it worse is that I'm not receiving an allowance. I'm basically arguing with someone for free. It's funny... but it's not funny.

I need to grind harder and find some new clients to take me out of this hell that I'm in. I want to do a fake photo shoot (using my 12px Nikon camera) at a hotel. My Nikon really isn't great quality and doesn't have the lens depth that I need but it's definitely better than crap iPhone photos. I've learned how to set the camera to auto-focus so I can make it focus without controlling the focus button.

In other news, my client, Derrick, confirmed his appointment over text today. I'm just waiting for his deposit. I'm sure he'll come through, though. I'm so happy. I'm looking forward to seeing him. He has a late night appointment (1:00 AM). I love that time because it's on some real sexy sneaky link shit. 😂 My nigga is a sneaky-ass dirtbag. Putting his dick inside me while his wife is asleep at home... I love it.

Ay, wish me good luck "freestyling" tonight (I'm just sitting at the bar, not looking for clients). Pray I meet someone nice and wealthy.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Mr. D text messaged me again this morning around 11:30AM… again.

I don’t know what he’s playing at or what’s he wants, honestly. I could just ask him and lay all my cards on the table but that would be giving up some of my “power”.

I figure he’s trying to keep communication open so he doesn’t lose the sex… Whatever. I don’t know. This game is kind of tiring.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Ugh… Its going to be sad losing ND… Even though we will SAY we want to remain friends, I doubt he’ll stay interested without the sex. What a fucking pity. I now have to go back to depressing loneliness. It seriously sucks. But whatever. I know that I’m doing the right thing by letting him go when he doesn’t accept my allowance.

😞

Whatevs. I can’t let him take advantage of me.

*sigh*

If I keep him without an allowance, I’m going to end up fucked. AND he’ll probably be talking to other women.

Yeah - fuck that. I’ll let you know how that pathetic, dumpster of a conversation goes…

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Catching Feelings for A Married Man

Ugh... Things with ND are rougher than I thought they'd be...

I find myself feeling paranoid and insecure all the time about him. I'm definitely getting emotionally attached. So much so that I'm losing sight of what should be my goal: taking his money.

I need to regroup. One of my friends told me that I need be seeing multiple men to help keep from getting emotionally attached to ND. I'm so happy she confirmed for me what I already knew. She's the most ho-ing-est person I actually know in real life. :)

Anyhow, I'm getting things together. I've started a new business networking group for women. I need to put things on the calendar that will take my mind off of him. I also need to put events on the calendar that will put us in the very best places for meeting men. I also plan on "freestyling" over the upcoming weeks ("freestyling" to meet other men and not for escorting... I haven't reached that level of ho-dom yet).

With freestyling, I need to remember that I will not get lucky every time. I need to see this as a numbers game. I may strike out on the first few tries but I shouldn't let that discourage me. Additionally, freestyling will cost me money and time (that part, I hate the most). But it's time I started getting out there and meeting men.

I got very lucky when I met ND. I wasn't even planning on attending that networking dinner the night I met him. And most of the men in that networking group aren't well off financially anyway.

Besides, it's important now more than ever that I start getting out. Because I can see that messing with married men is going to fuck me up mentally...