#nonescorting

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Dexter... The Saga Continues

Everyday, I gain more and more courage to finally do away with Dexter...

In the moments I'm compelled to dump him, it's because I know he's getting over on me and I don't want to look like a fool in the end. This is a good sign - I'm doing the healthy thing and dumping him for the right reasons...

But as I plan my exit, I'm also compelled to dump him in a way that will force him to recognize my worth, come back to me, and offer me a proper allowance - I'm basically hoping that he won't let me go... This is a bad sign: I'm dumping him for the wrong reasons and I realize that I'm not quite ready to let him go...

I need to work through this. Hopefully, I will come to a place where I can make a clean break.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Sugaring with No Confidence

I sometimes hate those "leveling up" groups because they women can be mean but they can be great for building self esteem.

I was just looking through some threads and was reminded that men need to be cut off when they're not playing their part. But cutting them off comes easier when you respect yourself and have self esteem.

Feeling validated by being "chosen" by ND has me lost. I'm so emotionally attached to him that I am very nearly willing to continue being his side chick without proper compensation. If I had more belief in myself, more comfort with myself, and more love for myself, I'd be more willing to give him the chop. Today, I found myself considering to stay with him if he rejected my allowance. :/ That's not good.

I really need to be comfortable with being alone. Before I met him, I thought I was. But programming in our society is so strong: even when you're woke or enlightened, the want and need for validation through romantic relationships can be too strong to overcome. This is what I'm up against.

I was screwed from the beginning when I met ND. I'm not built for this.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Progress

It seems things are falling in place little by little. Dexter was asking me questions about my monthly bills while we were out eating today. At first, I didn't get what the questions were about. And then, I suspected that he was taking seriously my request to move closer to him (he lives an hour away from me. If I moved, I would keep my house and rent it out).

After I broke down my expenses, he said that going forward, he would pay 3 of my monthly bills. Little by little, he is opening up his wallet to me. I suppose it took some time for him to trust me.

Shit is ridiculous.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

How extremely interesting… Walk into a high end restaurant as a woman, alone… People will pretend not to see you but in actuality, all eyes AND ears are on you… ESPECIALLY if you’re black… This white dude just made me extremely aware that he was listening to me when I declined the bread the restaurant gives you because when his food arrived, he said out of the side of his mouth, “the bread is REALLY good here. Trust me, you should try it…”… despite the fact that he’s here with 2 other people to his right at the bar…

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

Tomorrow is Eid and even though I don’t feel like driving to the masjid, NOR do I feel like waking up early to go, I DID plan to go, even bought an outfit for it… So, what was the point of all that if I don’t actually go??

I thought Eid would be later in the day but the earliest prayer starts at 8AM… WTF…

*sigh*

I don’t know…

Well, the masjid should be packed so, hopefully I’ll meet somebody…?

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

This pole studio I follow on Instagram showed a video of all these people arriving to their V-Day lap dance workshop. Over 100 people showed up (around 50 couples).

You should have seen all these mediocre, out of shape girlfriends and housewives coming to “try something new” for their even more mediocre, corny-ass boyfriends and husbands… Women desperate to “spice up their relationships”. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to watch the women try and compete for who could be the most attractive in the room… Embarrassing.

The husbands and boyfriends barely dressed up for the occasion, arriving in sneakers and jeans, while most of the women all came in sexy outfits, guts busting out of their leggings and bodysuits.

God, I hate patriarchy and middle class people. Got us out here, making asses of ourselves.

Then, they’re all going home to have corny, middle class, boring, mediocre sex.

And there’s definitely going to be at least 10 arguments on the way home in the car. 😂😂😂

Don’t mind me… I’m just hungry.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

I met this adorable guy in my networking group yesterday. He’s an absolute doll. Just my type - short, thick, and cute!

He didn’t ask me for my number. I’d have given it to him but I’m relieved he didn’t ask because 1) I was nervous and caught off guard, 2) Dexter is in the SAME networking group, 3) I don’t get the sense he has money, and 4) I doubt he’s generous (he’s young and American).

But he was definitely a sweetheart and I’m looking forward to running into him again.

Going forward, I definitely want to stay off dating apps. I don’t want to expose myself to or put myself in the same arena as male trash. Going out and meeting guys seems to be the way to go.

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

As far as Dexter is concerned, I realized I was trying to create all these ruses to manipulate him into treating me better. But going forward, the objective is not to KEEP him but to do what’s best for myself. And that can include losing him. If doing what’s best for me means losing him, then that’s a part of the plan. It’s okay and I welcome it. ☺️☺️☺️