Hi Mod Sock, this is related to the ask about advice for people who are adults (the 7 point advice list). You mentioned dysphoria that you couldn't do anything to relieve and I was wondering if you could talk about that more? Being nonbinary and trans I sometimes struggle with how to relate to transition and deal with dysphoria and as I really relate to the way you described your experience of accepting your identity I was hoping to also hear your experiences of that.
Yeah! I’m glad that my experience was relatable to some people! I’m not sure I can really help you regarding the dysphoria, but I’m happy to talk more about it! Thanks so much for stopping by with an interesting and specific question.
TW: genitalia, menstrual, and mutiliation mentions/talk
So my experience with realizing I was nonbinary was pretty shocking because of how sudden it was. I was a proud woman for so many years and never questioned that. Then one day, I was suddenly dissociating and feeling disconnected from being a woman, from being a feminist, from everything I’d known for my whole life.
I was often unhappy with my body - I didn’t get my period until I was in 9th or 10th grade and very happy about that. I struggled with bras (partially due to sensory issues), as they could give me panic attacks due to feeling suffocated and uncomfortable. I had a limit for how long I could wear a bra. As a result, for a lot of years, I just wore a couple camis under my shirts. So for a while, it’d been a want of mine to at least not have nipples, negating the need for a bra (although shirts that hide nipples better would also be aces...).
But how I felt was never constant or consistent. Throughout my life even while cis, my feelings fluctuated from nearly everything: coming to terms with and being find with my breasts/period, hating my period and wishing it would go away or that I could get a hysterectomy, not having an issue with my period but hating my breasts and wishing I didn’t have them or that I could cut them off, being fine with my breasts but wanting to cut my nipples off, being fine with my breasts but hating my period, etc. And there was never much I could do to relieve the way I felt, but it was never bad enough that I felt like I was going to lose myself in the feelings if I didn’t. I felt it all in all different combinations and with different intensities. Or at least I thought I had.
When I began questioning my gender? It became so much more intense and confusing and weird.
I’d been fairly okay with my breasts/period recently, but after dissociating from any connection of gender for a few weeks, I was suddenly hit with pretty intense dysphoria. I usually existed in a few states with my breasts/period: apathy, acceptance, or discomfort/frustration. But now suddenly I was dissociating from my genitalia as well. I knew that I technically had a vagina, but I didn’t feel like that was me that had the vagina. I felt a little like my body was a puppet but my actual self/consciousness was... not quite a puppet master, but more like a really close observer, standing over my body watching it go through the daily motions. I knew it was me sitting there at my computer, freaking out, and reading story upon story of nonbinary experiences, but it felt more like it was just my skin and I was watching the movements. The dissociation from both gender+genitalia resulted in some really weird weeks. If you’ve ever watched Scrubs - and I forget what episode this is, unfortunately - there’s an episode where they’re all just going through the motions and they literally float by each other in the hallway, not interacting, not even walking. That’s kind of like how I felt.
And I didn’t understand what any of this meant. It wasn’t like any other story of dysphoria I’d read about, not to mention I’d never considered myself having dysphoria before and didn’t consider myself having it then either.
And I couldn’t do anything about the feelings because: nothing I had ever wanted done was anything a doctor would actually help me with, and I didn’t understand how I was feeling or why I was feeling that way, so I didn’t know what could be done to help with it. Mostly I just waited for it to end because that’d always worked in the past (short-term, anyway).
What finally started easing the feelings was coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t cis and that I was allowed to not be cis. After better understanding how I feel and accepting it, I wouldn’t say I’ve had any dysphoria since, and I haven’t really dissociated (as a result of dysphoria, anyway) either. (I did go on birth control to get rid of my periods, though, and started wearing a lot of sweaters and large mens tshirts that I could avoid bras in, so that does help me be more comfortable as well.)
So for me, getting used to these feelings and lessening them has always been a mental battle of coming to terms with how I feel, recognizing what I can’t change, and changing what I can.
So I hope this helps a little, even if it’s just knowing that someone has a somewhat vaguely similar experience to yours!
