BETAREADING: ninasilverwrites's "Attack on the Cells" scene
Huge thanks once again to our (so far) MVP for beta-reading, @sinkingmyships!
P2, line 1 dreams; sometimes
P2, line 2 dream, that maybe
P2, line 3 blood-soaked
P3, line 1 vision, though—it comes
P3, line 2 Julius, the blood
P3, line 6 black, empty cold
P4, line 1 Her face pressing into
P4, line 6 shouldn’t waste energy on hating him: he does
P5, lines 2-3 moment, their fingers touch, and
P5, line 5 wrong before: it’s his hands
P5, line 6 people who loved him
P6, line 1 world burns. Towers of
P6, line 2 into the sky, and the air
P6, line 3 howl, and Percy
P6, line 4 Before him, a figure swirls into being, its face a twisted mass of curling smoke, its eyes burning like coals.
P6, line 5 twisted grin, he is caught between horror and elation, a giddy longing for something unknown.
P7, line 1 vengeance, Percival,” it growls. “You made
P7, line 2 deep timbre
P7, line 3 shaking, this time not in fear
P8, line 1 world right,” the creature breathes. “My gift
P8, line 3 smoke growing denser
P9, line 2 unsteady breath,
P9, lines 4-5 sweat-slicked skin
P9, line 6 mid-project
P10, line 1 been here?” he says, startling
P10, line 8 damning himself, without exposing
P10, line 9 of what he years to be?
P11, line 1 long breath, he
P11, line 2 laying it carefully over the unfinished projects
P11, line 4 to the door, he pulls it
P11, line 6 last seen Jarett, is
P11, line 7 and distracted, it might
P13, lines 1-2 standing—or so Percy first believes—in the middle
P13, line 2 throat, and his face is
P13, line 3 sound escapes from
P13, line 4 over Jarett’s shoulder, Percy
P13, line 5 driver rise to his feet
P13, line 6 bloody bandages, but
P13, line 7 isn’t time to be sick.
P15, line 1 above the floor. They kick
P15, line 3 man’s eyes, and finally
P16, line 1 Then several things happen at once.
P17, line 1 “Help! Help, help!”
P17, lines 2-3 If he had had time to reflect, he might have found it strange
P17, line 5 Time, however, is precious, and
P17, line 6 faster than Percy can truly think, he pulls the
P17, line 7 hip, his thumb
P17, line 8 familiar steel, the world
P18, line 1 Crack!
P19, line 2 flesh of the attacking
P19, line 3-5 rough floor. His hands find his throat, as if they can hasten the ragged gasps of air that he pulls in greedily.
P19, line 5 without wasting time to ask stupid questions,
P19, line 6 Percy raises the sight of the pepperbox and
P19, line 7 hit their mark, and a tiny
P19, line 9 empty hallway, screams
P20, lines 1-2 “Help!” Percy roars, his fingers already priming the next shot. “Vex! Tiberius! Anyone!” [[[Note: Writing fiction in all-caps, in my personal opinion, is usually really distracting. I prefer italics when going for emphasis.]]]
P21, line 3 lashes out, and what
P21, line 4 Grunting in pain, he
P21, line 6 frigid air hiss past
P21, line 7 hallway, the prisoner
P22, line 3 mighty growl and lunges. Meeting no resistance, he stumbles briefly and
P22, line 4 then turns to let loose
P22, line 5 in pain, and Percy
P22, line 7 confusion, Jarett
P22, line 10 Beside him, Trinket
P23, line 2 “Hurry,” he breathes,
P24, line 1 Dawn sparks against
P24, line 2 band of mud-splattered adventurers
P25, line 1 shrugging lightly, “is that we
P25, line 2 uses of cow-camouflage
P26, line 6 the gate, and she
P27, line 1 “Shane! The gate!” To her left, Tiberius [[[Note: Shout out to critrolestats for the NPC master list! The guard’s name is Shane Trantor.]]]
P27, line 3 enough room, Vex
P28, line 1 something,” Scanlan
P29, line 1 It’s too much
P30, line 2 closer now, too close
P30, line 3 the gauntlet, then it dies
P30, line 7 it’s not enough
P30, line 9 from its housing
P31, lines 1-2 dropping the pepperbox from singed fingers, he
P31, line 3 fluid motion, he
P31, line 6 a heart-stopping moment, he
P32, line 2 first blow, but
P32, line 3 for a moment,
P32, line 4 eyes clear, a
P32, line 5 ever-shifting
P32, line 6 at him, the
P33, lines 1-2 A thunderous roar sounds beside him, and for the second time in the last five minutes, Percival
P34, line 1 Looking up and still trying to regain
P34, line 3 assailant, and Jarret
P34, line 5 air, and Percy
P34, line 6 than he first thought. With a might cry, the
P34, line 7 muscles in his
P35, line 1 stone stairway, and
P35, line 2 moment, Percy thinks it’s more
P35, line 5 staggering, and it clouds his already-shaky vision.
P35, lines 6-8 By the time he blinks, Grog’s looming form bursts into the hall with a bellowing yell, blood and water flowing from his upraised fist.
P36, line 3 steel, almost
P36, line 6 workshop door, and Percy
P36, lines 8-9 concentration, and says something to Percy. It’s hard to hear over the ringing in his ears, but
P36, line 11 It’s enough.
P37, line 1 With a grunt, he
P37, line 2 It’s a lost cause, however; the
P37, line 4 his steps, and
P37, line 6-7 riffle jams into invisible flesh, and, without a word, he pulls
P37, line 8 thunder, and
P37, line 10 Without thinking, he pivots
P37, line 11 still-glowing
P37, line 12 louder still, and
P37, line 14 lands true,
P37, lines 15-16 the creature’s desperate rage. It shakes Jarett away and
P37, line 18 iron ceiling of the cell, and
P37, line 19 doll, blood
P38, line 1 With a cry, Jarett
P38, line 2 for so long, and
P38, lines 3-9 *Somewhere behind them, Vex gets off another shot. The arrow lodges weirdly in the invisible creature, sinking into its flesh but appearing to hang in midair. Simultaneously, tiny purple sparks of light explode from the ceiling, drifting down and sticking to the creature’s shaking form. The dust stars cling to its body, revealing a humanoid torso and legs that shift and slide too fast for thought. On the bed, the young man shudders and drags in a labored breath.
P39-40 (See beta note 3) In front of him, Grog barks a laugh and says, “There you are! Hold still, Casper!” He swings
P40, line 2 find their target, and
P40, lines 3-6 *Percy blinks, and Vax appears in the space beyond the iron bars that had been empty not second ago. Vax yanks the creature back with one arm.
P41, line 2 breath, and
P41, line 2 Reaching out, he
P41-42 the goliath’s shoulder and says, “Grog! You softened him up for me, asshole!” With a grin, the barbarian returns his Great Axe to the sheath at his back, satisfaction clear on his face. In the cell, the figure on the bed stirs, slowly pulling himself into a sitting position. Tiberius hurries forward, one hand outstretched.
P43, line 1 It’s a decker sandwich!
P44-45 (See beta note 3) Without a sound, the young man takes the sandwich as clutches it to his chest in shaking hands. “What happened?” he croaks. “What—“
P46, line 1 “Here,” Vex says and shoulders
P46, line 2 look. She crouches
P46, line 3 one hand, she
P46, line 5 frightened by mostly intact.
P47, line 1 workshop door. “Can I
P48, line 1 grin. “There are, like, four
P49, line 1 “Oh. Okay,” the gnome replies and
P50, line 1 something, but then
P52-53 (See beta note 3) Tiberius sigs and, with the flick of his hand, he cleans the spatter away. “Pardon me, he doesn’t know our customs very well. How is that sandwich?”
P54-55 (See beta note 3) Desmond seems not to notice either the blood or its removal. “W-what was that? What was that thing?”
P57-58 (See beta note 3) Vex nods in agreement. Tiberius huff, “I would say ‘opaque buttholes.’”
P59, like 1 interjects. “I’ve
P60-61 (See beta note 3) some paragraph he read long ago, “Ah! Of course, high-level mages use them as assassins. They are single-minded in purpose and damn near unstoppable.” The slightly jovial air in the room born from great relief evaporates. [[[Note: cut “after a tense moment, Vax says” in case that was unclear.]]]
P62, line 1 Vax says, “All I know
P63-66 (See beta note 3) Vex frowns at her brother, frustrated concern clouding her features. “With all this previous experience,” she says, her voice straining, “do you know how to ward against them?”
Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of his lips. “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.”
Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others. “Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?” she asks.
P67, lines 1-2 day. I will find out,” Tiberius says, his mind forming lists
P67, line 2 side, Jarett
P68, line 1 recommend that the next
P68, line 3 intended, and he
P68, line 4 “I apologize, I was
P69-70 (See beta note 3) Vex stands and moves over to him. “We were unprepared to warn you. I’m sorry,” she apologizes.
P71, line 1 Jarett sighs. “Um,
P72, line 1 if we know,” Grog huffs
P73, line 2 liches. Prepare the troops. There will
P73-74 (See beta note 3) to shore up security.”
Jarett nods but adds smoothly, I would like also to consider making some changes to our income, as this has suddenly gone from a general guarding job to going up against denizens of the afterlife.” [[[Note: In case this in unclear, move Jarett’s speech tag down from P73 to P74.]]]
P75, line 1 her face.
P76, line 1 “Of course,” Tiberius says airily. “We shall
P77-82 (See beta note 3) “Very well,” Jarett says, starting for the door. “I’m going to make sure the rest of my team is…alive.
As he begins to move away, Vex calls out, “Jarett? Are you up for it?”
Jarett looks back over his shoulder, his usual dry humor fully restored. “I mean, if the pay is good, yes.”
“It will be,” Vex assures him. “Jarett’s up for anything,” she adds with a little saucy smile.
Jarett laughs and taps the side of his nose. “You understand. Then, with a little grimace as he pulls sore ribs the wrong way, he finishes, “I will talk to you in the morning. I think a bit of rest is on order.” He waves and heads up the stairs and out of sight.
P84-85 (See beta note 3) “It’s good, right?” Tiberius says brightly. I had one yesterday. Come, we’ll move you to the guest room.”
Vex hesitates. “Maybe we should stay down here,” she says.
P86, line 1 “No,” Tiberius says
P86, line 2 doesn’t move. He just looks
P87, line 1 safer there?” he asks shakily. “I told you
P88, like 1 “Yes, you did,” Vex says softly.
P89, line 1 “I told you,” he says again, seeming
P90, line 2 they’re in. “You’re still alive!”
P91, line 1 her, then slowly
P91, line 4 fingers is vibrant
P92-93 (See beta note 3) quietly, but not so close as to make the young man nervous. “Listen,” he says softly, looking the boy in the eye. “You are a victim of circumstance. We understand that.
P94-100 (See beta note 3) Desmond holds his gaze for a long moment, then seems to resign himself to the inevitable. “Okay,” he sighs.
“I volunteer to sleep down here with him in the room,” Grog offers suddenly.
Tiberius shakes his head. “He’ll sleep in my quarters.”
“Is it safer down here? Vex says, glancing at her brother.
“In a locked cell with Grog?” Vax says. “That’s pretty safe.”
But Vex frowns at him. “I think it’s better to bring him upstairs,” she says. “It the door is locked, we can’t get to him very quickly.
P101, line 2 happen,” Tiberius adds
P102, line 1 use my Planar Binding to summon
P102, line 2 a frown creasing
P103, line 1 helped,” Vex says. “They were
P104-106 (See beta note 3) “I like all these things,” Vax adds, “but I still think Grog as a bunkmate is a good idea.”
The others start to discuss the situation amongst themselves, and Desmond takes advantage of their distraction to lean into Vax and whisper, “Is where I’m sleepin’ going to be away from him?”
Vax follows him line of vision and sees Percy leaning against the far wall. His face is drawn and hard, smudged with soot and blood. He looks exhausted, with dark, bruise-like shadows under his eyes, but Vax can tell from the stubborn set of his shoulders that the gunslinger has no intention of resting any time soon.
Frowning unhappily, Vax turned back to the boy beside him. “There is a lot of history for Percy wrapped up in this, and he has done you wrong, no question, but…” He struggles for the right words, unsure how to convince they boy of things that he himself doesn’t know. Perhaps it is best to leave the “why” for another day. He looks Desmond in the eye, willing him to understand the truth of his words.
P107-109 (See beta note 3) “The answer is yes,” he says firmly. “You will be separated from Percival, you will be protected, and you have my word.”
There is a brief pause. Then Desmond nods. “Okay,” he whispers. “I trust you.” Tears spring into the young man’s eyes as the events of the last few days begin to truly catch up with him. “Please, please don’t let them kill me.”
Vax reaches out and places a warm hand on his shoulder. “We may be fuck-ups, but we’re not without ability. You have my word.”
P110, line 1 “Okay.”
P111, lines 1-2 “Desmond, dear,” Vex says, arriving suddenly in front of them. Her keen eyes catch her brother’s for a moment
P111, lines 3-4 to his feet, she calls over her shoulder, “Grog?”
P112, line 1 “What?” the goliath rumbles.
P113, line 1 “That bed needs to go back up to the guest room,” she says,
P113, line 3 Percy, the boy flinches away, and
P114, line 1 “Fuckin’ hell,” Grog grumbles
P115-116(See beta note 3) beside Keyleth, who watches Percy head back down toward his workshop without a word.
Vax clears this throat. “Is your hand alright?” he asks gently.
P11, line 1 now-closed
P118, line 1 anything?” he tries
P119, line 1 “Nope,” the druid says, and, still refusing to look at him, she
P119, line 2 Grimacing to himself, Vax
P120, lines 1-2 lets out a long, shaking breath. For a moment, he
Beta note 1: You need commas! Lots of them!
Beta note 2: Watch out for insubstantial repeated phrases. In this particular piece, I caught “for a moment” and other similar phrases quite often. Repetition attracts the reader’s attention, which can be useful when writing symbolism, foreshadowing, etc., but it can also be distracting if the writer repeats something that the reader doesn’t need to pay attention to.
Beta note 3: There’s some trouble with dialog formatting, which means that my paragraph system gets a little wonky about halfway through, but oh well. Here are two main things to keep in mind.
One, dialog always goes on the same line as the speech tag. Paragraphs 39-40, for example, are both dedicated to Grog speaking, but you started a new paragraph between “says” and when he actually starts talking. These should not be separated.
Two, most of the time, the actions that a character takes before, during, and/or after speech should go as close to the dialog as possible. Paragraphs 63-66 are a good place to look for this. You have this section written as such:
Vex frowns at her brother, something like frustrated concern clouding her features.
“With all this previous experience,” She says, strain evident on the last two words, “do you know how to ward against them? Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of the lips.
“All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.” Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others.
“Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?”
The biggest source of confusion here is that Vex appears to be the one saying “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives” because her action (cocking an eyebrow) is connected to this line of dialog. When I was editing, I moved the characters’ actions as close to their dialog as I could, and I created new paragraphs every time the focus shifted to a different character. My edit turned out like this:
Vex frowns at her brother, frustrated concern clouding her features. “With all this previous experience,” she says, her voice straining, “do you know how to ward against them?”
Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of his lips. “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.”
Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others. “Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?” she asks.
By keeping the characters’ actions and dialog together, the reader can move more easily through the story, and it prevents any confusion over which person is speaking.
Beta note 4: It is not necessary to capitalize a character’s race or class. The first reason is because the Player Handbook does not, and that’s pretty much the guideline. The second reason, in more thorough terms, is because a character’s class is like their job and their race (unlike race in the real world) is like their species. It’s like if I introduced myself as Rachel, the Human Student. Or Judy in Zootopia introduced herself as the Bunny Cop. Or the vampire dad in Twilight introduced himself as the Vampire Doctor. (I’m sorry for the last one—it’s all I could think of.) It’s just not necessary.














