So. The last time I posted in this blog was to say that it had reached 200 followers. HUH.
It’s now at 400 something. It actually has been for a while now, but activity stopped on this blog, and 2016 was...well, it was 2016, and it got 2016-er and 2016-er as 2016 progressed. BUT now that we’re in a new year, I’ve had an idea for bringing this baby back to life.
I’m officially starting my as-yet untitled One Scene per Week project, which is pretty self-explanatory. This ENTIRE 2017, my goal is to get at least ONE scene from any Critical Role episode posted here on the blog each week. I originally intended to do one scene per DAY, but considering how long it actually takes me to transcribe and write out one scene, and considering what my work schedule looks like on a regular day, that’s not feasible. The only rules I’m putting on this so far is that a week is considered Sunday to Saturday, and I can’t do two scenes from the same episode within two weeks of each other.
Anyone still on this blog is, of course, welcome to do the thing as well! The goal is to get one scene written per week, so all the editing stuff doesn’t have to happen in the same week, but as long as you’re able to get something out in a week, then it counts!
That’s about it for now - just a little “hi hello this blog still exists” post and a 2017 goal. Hope you’re all doing great out there and are excited for a new episode of Talks Machina tomorrow and a new episode of Critical Role on Thursday evening! :D
BETAREADING: ninasilverwrites's "Attack on the Cells" scene
Huge thanks once again to our (so far) MVP for beta-reading, @sinkingmyships!
P2, line 1
dreams; sometimes
P2, line 2
dream, that maybe
P2, line 3
blood-soaked
P3, line 1
vision, though—it comes
P3, line 2
Julius, the blood
P3, line 6
black, empty cold
P4, line 1
Her face pressing into
P4, line 6
shouldn’t waste energy on hating him: he does
P5, lines 2-3
moment, their fingers touch, and
P5, line 5
wrong before: it’s his hands
P5, line 6
people who loved him
P6, line 1
world burns. Towers of
P6, line 2
into the sky, and the air
P6, line 3
howl, and Percy
P6, line 4
Before him, a figure swirls into being, its face a twisted mass of curling smoke, its eyes burning like coals.
P6, line 5
twisted grin, he is caught between horror and elation, a giddy longing for something unknown.
P7, line 1
vengeance, Percival,” it growls. “You made
P7, line 2
deep timbre
P7, line 3
shaking, this time not in fear
P8, line 1
world right,” the creature breathes. “My gift
P8, line 3
smoke growing denser
P9, line 2
unsteady breath,
P9, lines 4-5
sweat-slicked skin
P9, line 6
mid-project
P10, line 1
been here?” he says, startling
P10, line 8
damning himself, without exposing
P10, line 9
of what he years to be?
P11, line 1
long breath, he
P11, line 2
laying it carefully over the unfinished projects
P11, line 4
to the door, he pulls it
P11, line 6
last seen Jarett, is
P11, line 7
and distracted, it might
P13, lines 1-2
standing—or so Percy first believes—in the middle
P13, line 2
throat, and his face is
P13, line 3
sound escapes from
P13, line 4
over Jarett’s shoulder, Percy
P13, line 5
driver rise to his feet
P13, line 6
bloody bandages, but
P13, line 7
isn’t time to be sick.
P15, line 1
above the floor. They kick
P15, line 3
man’s eyes, and finally
P16, line 1
Then several things happen at once.
P17, line 1
“Help! Help, help!”
P17, lines 2-3
If he had had time to reflect, he might have found it strange
P17, line 5
Time, however, is precious, and
P17, line 6
faster than Percy can truly think, he pulls the
P17, line 7
hip, his thumb
P17, line 8
familiar steel, the world
P18, line 1
Crack!
P19, line 2
flesh of the attacking
P19, line 3-5
rough floor. His hands find his throat, as if they can hasten the ragged gasps of air that he pulls in greedily.
P19, line 5
without wasting time to ask stupid questions,
P19, line 6
Percy raises the sight of the pepperbox and
P19, line 7
hit their mark, and a tiny
P19, line 9
empty hallway, screams
P20, lines 1-2
“Help!” Percy roars, his fingers already priming the next shot. “Vex! Tiberius! Anyone!” [[[Note: Writing fiction in all-caps, in my personal opinion, is usually really distracting. I prefer italics when going for emphasis.]]]
P21, line 3
lashes out, and what
P21, line 4
Grunting in pain, he
P21, line 6
frigid air hiss past
P21, line 7
hallway, the prisoner
P22, line 3
mighty growl and lunges. Meeting no resistance, he stumbles briefly and
P22, line 4
then turns to let loose
P22, line 5
in pain, and Percy
P22, line 7
confusion, Jarett
P22, line 10
Beside him, Trinket
P23, line 2
“Hurry,” he breathes,
P24, line 1
Dawn sparks against
P24, line 2
band of mud-splattered adventurers
P25, line 1
shrugging lightly, “is that we
P25, line 2
uses of cow-camouflage
P26, line 6
the gate, and she
P27, line 1
“Shane! The gate!” To her left, Tiberius [[[Note: Shout out to critrolestats for the NPC master list! The guard’s name is Shane Trantor.]]]
P27, line 3
enough room, Vex
P28, line 1
something,” Scanlan
P29, line 1
It’s too much
P30, line 2
closer now, too close
P30, line 3
the gauntlet, then it dies
P30, line 7
it’s not enough
P30, line 9
from its housing
P31, lines 1-2
dropping the pepperbox from singed fingers, he
P31, line 3
fluid motion, he
P31, line 6
a heart-stopping moment, he
P32, line 2
first blow, but
P32, line 3
for a moment,
P32, line 4
eyes clear, a
P32, line 5
ever-shifting
P32, line 6
at him, the
P33, lines 1-2
A thunderous roar sounds beside him, and for the second time in the last five minutes, Percival
P34, line 1
Looking up and still trying to regain
P34, line 3
assailant, and Jarret
P34, line 5
air, and Percy
P34, line 6
than he first thought. With a might cry, the
P34, line 7
muscles in his
P35, line 1
stone stairway, and
P35, line 2
moment, Percy thinks it’s more
P35, line 5
staggering, and it clouds his already-shaky vision.
P35, lines 6-8
By the time he blinks, Grog’s looming form bursts into the hall with a bellowing yell, blood and water flowing from his upraised fist.
P36, line 3
steel, almost
P36, line 6
workshop door, and Percy
P36, lines 8-9
concentration, and says something to Percy. It’s hard to hear over the ringing in his ears, but
P36, line 11
It’s enough.
P37, line 1
With a grunt, he
P37, line 2
It’s a lost cause, however; the
P37, line 4
his steps, and
P37, line 6-7
riffle jams into invisible flesh, and, without a word, he pulls
P37, line 8
thunder, and
P37, line 10
Without thinking, he pivots
P37, line 11
still-glowing
P37, line 12
louder still, and
P37, line 14
lands true,
P37, lines 15-16
the creature’s desperate rage. It shakes Jarett away and
P37, line 18
iron ceiling of the cell, and
P37, line 19
doll, blood
P38, line 1
With a cry, Jarett
P38, line 2
for so long, and
P38, lines 3-9
*Somewhere behind them, Vex gets off another shot. The arrow lodges weirdly in the invisible creature, sinking into its flesh but appearing to hang in midair. Simultaneously, tiny purple sparks of light explode from the ceiling, drifting down and sticking to the creature’s shaking form. The dust stars cling to its body, revealing a humanoid torso and legs that shift and slide too fast for thought. On the bed, the young man shudders and drags in a labored breath.
P39-40 (See beta note 3)
In front of him, Grog barks a laugh and says, “There you are! Hold still, Casper!” He swings
P40, line 2
find their target, and
P40, lines 3-6
*Percy blinks, and Vax appears in the space beyond the iron bars that had been empty not second ago. Vax yanks the creature back with one arm.
P41, line 2
breath, and
P41, line 2
Reaching out, he
P41-42
the goliath’s shoulder and says, “Grog! You softened him up for me, asshole!” With a grin, the barbarian returns his Great Axe to the sheath at his back, satisfaction clear on his face. In the cell, the figure on the bed stirs, slowly pulling himself into a sitting position. Tiberius hurries forward, one hand outstretched.
P43, line 1
It’s a decker sandwich!
P44-45 (See beta note 3)
Without a sound, the young man takes the sandwich as clutches it to his chest in shaking hands. “What happened?” he croaks. “What—“
P46, line 1
“Here,” Vex says and shoulders
P46, line 2
look. She crouches
P46, line 3
one hand, she
P46, line 5
frightened by mostly intact.
P47, line 1
workshop door. “Can I
P48, line 1
grin. “There are, like, four
P49, line 1
“Oh. Okay,” the gnome replies and
P50, line 1
something, but then
P52-53 (See beta note 3)
Tiberius sigs and, with the flick of his hand, he cleans the spatter away. “Pardon me, he doesn’t know our customs very well. How is that sandwich?”
P54-55 (See beta note 3)
Desmond seems not to notice either the blood or its removal. “W-what was that? What was that thing?”
P57-58 (See beta note 3)
Vex nods in agreement. Tiberius huff, “I would say ‘opaque buttholes.’”
P59, like 1
interjects. “I’ve
P60-61 (See beta note 3)
some paragraph he read long ago, “Ah! Of course, high-level mages use them as assassins. They are single-minded in purpose and damn near unstoppable.” The slightly jovial air in the room born from great relief evaporates. [[[Note: cut “after a tense moment, Vax says” in case that was unclear.]]]
P62, line 1
Vax says, “All I know
P63-66 (See beta note 3)
Vex frowns at her brother, frustrated concern clouding her features. “With all this previous experience,” she says, her voice straining, “do you know how to ward against them?”
Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of his lips. “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.”
Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others. “Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?” she asks.
P67, lines 1-2
day. I will find out,” Tiberius says, his mind forming lists
P67, line 2
side, Jarett
P68, line 1
recommend that the next
P68, line 3
intended, and he
P68, line 4
“I apologize, I was
P69-70 (See beta note 3)
Vex stands and moves over to him. “We were unprepared to warn you. I’m sorry,” she apologizes.
P71, line 1
Jarett sighs. “Um,
P72, line 1
if we know,” Grog huffs
P73, line 2
liches. Prepare the troops. There will
P73-74 (See beta note 3)
to shore up security.”
Jarett nods but adds smoothly, I would like also to consider making some changes to our income, as this has suddenly gone from a general guarding job to going up against denizens of the afterlife.” [[[Note: In case this in unclear, move Jarett’s speech tag down from P73 to P74.]]]
P75, line 1
her face.
P76, line 1
“Of course,” Tiberius says airily. “We shall
P77-82 (See beta note 3)
“Very well,” Jarett says, starting for the door. “I’m going to make sure the rest of my team is…alive.
As he begins to move away, Vex calls out, “Jarett? Are you up for it?”
Jarett looks back over his shoulder, his usual dry humor fully restored. “I mean, if the pay is good, yes.”
“It will be,” Vex assures him. “Jarett’s up for anything,” she adds with a little saucy smile.
Jarett laughs and taps the side of his nose. “You understand. Then, with a little grimace as he pulls sore ribs the wrong way, he finishes, “I will talk to you in the morning. I think a bit of rest is on order.” He waves and heads up the stairs and out of sight.
P84-85 (See beta note 3)
“It’s good, right?” Tiberius says brightly. I had one yesterday. Come, we’ll move you to the guest room.”
Vex hesitates. “Maybe we should stay down here,” she says.
P86, line 1
“No,” Tiberius says
P86, line 2
doesn’t move. He just looks
P87, line 1
safer there?” he asks shakily. “I told you
P88, like 1
“Yes, you did,” Vex says softly.
P89, line 1
“I told you,” he says again, seeming
P90, line 2
they’re in. “You’re still alive!”
P91, line 1
her, then slowly
P91, line 4
fingers is vibrant
P92-93 (See beta note 3)
quietly, but not so close as to make the young man nervous. “Listen,” he says softly, looking the boy in the eye. “You are a victim of circumstance. We understand that.
P94-100 (See beta note 3)
Desmond holds his gaze for a long moment, then seems to resign himself to the inevitable. “Okay,” he sighs.
“I volunteer to sleep down here with him in the room,” Grog offers suddenly.
Tiberius shakes his head. “He’ll sleep in my quarters.”
“Is it safer down here? Vex says, glancing at her brother.
“In a locked cell with Grog?” Vax says. “That’s pretty safe.”
But Vex frowns at him. “I think it’s better to bring him upstairs,” she says. “It the door is locked, we can’t get to him very quickly.
P101, line 2
happen,” Tiberius adds
P102, line 1
use my Planar Binding to summon
P102, line 2
a frown creasing
P103, line 1
helped,” Vex says. “They were
P104-106 (See beta note 3)
“I like all these things,” Vax adds, “but I still think Grog as a bunkmate is a good idea.”
The others start to discuss the situation amongst themselves, and Desmond takes advantage of their distraction to lean into Vax and whisper, “Is where I’m sleepin’ going to be away from him?”
Vax follows him line of vision and sees Percy leaning against the far wall. His face is drawn and hard, smudged with soot and blood. He looks exhausted, with dark, bruise-like shadows under his eyes, but Vax can tell from the stubborn set of his shoulders that the gunslinger has no intention of resting any time soon.
Frowning unhappily, Vax turned back to the boy beside him. “There is a lot of history for Percy wrapped up in this, and he has done you wrong, no question, but…” He struggles for the right words, unsure how to convince they boy of things that he himself doesn’t know. Perhaps it is best to leave the “why” for another day. He looks Desmond in the eye, willing him to understand the truth of his words.
P107-109 (See beta note 3)
“The answer is yes,” he says firmly. “You will be separated from Percival, you will be protected, and you have my word.”
There is a brief pause. Then Desmond nods. “Okay,” he whispers. “I trust you.” Tears spring into the young man’s eyes as the events of the last few days begin to truly catch up with him. “Please, please don’t let them kill me.”
Vax reaches out and places a warm hand on his shoulder. “We may be fuck-ups, but we’re not without ability. You have my word.”
P110, line 1
“Okay.”
P111, lines 1-2
“Desmond, dear,” Vex says, arriving suddenly in front of them. Her keen eyes catch her brother’s for a moment
P111, lines 3-4
to his feet, she calls over her shoulder, “Grog?”
P112, line 1
“What?” the goliath rumbles.
P113, line 1
“That bed needs to go back up to the guest room,” she says,
P113, line 3
Percy, the boy flinches away, and
P114, line 1
“Fuckin’ hell,” Grog grumbles
P115-116(See beta note 3)
beside Keyleth, who watches Percy head back down toward his workshop without a word.
Vax clears this throat. “Is your hand alright?” he asks gently.
P11, line 1
now-closed
P118, line 1
anything?” he tries
P119, line 1
“Nope,” the druid says, and, still refusing to look at him, she
P119, line 2
Grimacing to himself, Vax
P120, lines 1-2
lets out a long, shaking breath. For a moment, he
Beta note 1: You need commas! Lots of them!
Beta note 2: Watch out for insubstantial repeated phrases. In this particular piece, I caught “for a moment” and other similar phrases quite often. Repetition attracts the reader’s attention, which can be useful when writing symbolism, foreshadowing, etc., but it can also be distracting if the writer repeats something that the reader doesn’t need to pay attention to.
Beta note 3: There’s some trouble with dialog formatting, which means that my paragraph system gets a little wonky about halfway through, but oh well. Here are two main things to keep in mind.
One, dialog always goes on the same line as the speech tag. Paragraphs 39-40, for example, are both dedicated to Grog speaking, but you started a new paragraph between “says” and when he actually starts talking. These should not be separated.
Two, most of the time, the actions that a character takes before, during, and/or after speech should go as close to the dialog as possible. Paragraphs 63-66 are a good place to look for this. You have this section written as such:
Vex frowns at her brother, something like frustrated concern clouding her features.
“With all this previous experience,” She says, strain evident on the last two words, “do you know how to ward against them? Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of the lips.
“All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.” Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others.
“Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?”
The biggest source of confusion here is that Vex appears to be the one saying “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives” because her action (cocking an eyebrow) is connected to this line of dialog. When I was editing, I moved the characters’ actions as close to their dialog as I could, and I created new paragraphs every time the focus shifted to a different character. My edit turned out like this:
Vex frowns at her brother, frustrated concern clouding her features. “With all this previous experience,” she says, her voice straining, “do you know how to ward against them?”
Vax shakes his head, offering a slightly sheepish quirk of his lips. “All I know is how to stick my face into beehives, apparently.”
Vex cocks an eyebrow in agreement then turns to the others. “Does anybody know how to protect against these stalkers?” she asks.
By keeping the characters’ actions and dialog together, the reader can move more easily through the story, and it prevents any confusion over which person is speaking.
Beta note 4: It is not necessary to capitalize a character’s race or class. The first reason is because the Player Handbook does not, and that’s pretty much the guideline. The second reason, in more thorough terms, is because a character’s class is like their job and their race (unlike race in the real world) is like their species. It’s like if I introduced myself as Rachel, the Human Student. Or Judy in Zootopia introduced herself as the Bunny Cop. Or the vampire dad in Twilight introduced himself as the Vampire Doctor. (I’m sorry for the last one—it’s all I could think of.) It’s just not necessary.
BETAREADING: ledamemangociana's "Return to the Merchant" scene
MOD NOTE: I already told you this via private asks, but thank you sooooo much @sinkingmyships for the notes about dialog tags! It’s something I’m DEFINITELY going to benefit from.
P1, line 7
with outside, so he can
P2, line 1
Despite this—and because
P2, line 2
inside—Percy removes
P2, line 5
somewhere to hang the jacket.
P2, line 8
inquisitive, confused, and just
P3, lines 2-3
second, he heard the sound of scuffling and rattling from inside, followed by
P3, line 6
curse in that familiar
P4, line 1
Victor [[[Note: Confirmed by Matt in his playlist that his name is spelled this way.]]]
P4, line 2
correctly. “Are
P5, line 2-3
slamming into the façade
P5, line 4
by its swing, quickly
P5, line 5
Victor
P5, line 6
the scruff on his chin smoldering a little.
P5, line 7
Percy winces when the smell of burnt hair hits his nose. Wild eyes stare
P5, line 8
Victor
P7, line 2
bow. “Do you
P10, line 3
throat again and pushes his
P10, line 4
Victor
P11, line 1
prods Victor, clearly annoyed.
P12, line 2
he states. “We
P13, line 1
Victor
P13, line 3
teeth and gaps where there are teeth missing altogether.
P13, line 4
he cackles. “Come
P14, line 1
dismayed, and Vax
P14, line 2
seems not to have
P15, line 2
here,” she says.
P16, line 1
Percy concurs. “Please
P17, lines 1-2
Percy can almost feel himself blush as Vex
P17, line 3
shrugs before turning
P18, line 1
shop, weaving around
P18, line 3
strange. Inside, he sees
P18, line 6
rain, smelling strongly of mold
P18, line 7
Victor
P18, line 8
Victor
P19, line 2
Victor
P20, line 3
one or two wall sconces
P20, line 4
Victor
P20, line 5
now there are only
P20, lines 6-7
When Percy finally tears his stare aware from Victor’s
P22, line 1
Victor
P24, line 1
Victor
P24, line 4
word and with a
P24, line 5
Victor
P25, line 1
Victor
P26, line 1
Victor
P26, line 2
heavily-sealed metallic canister
P26, line 3
Victor
P27, line 1
Victor
P27, lines 3-4
prize down, the metal making a quiet chinking sound against the surface.
P27, line 5
a purposefulness about Victor now
P27, lines 6-7
Percy tenses, and in contrast
P27, line 9
Victor
P28, line 1
Victor
P28, line 2
see better. “Carefully…”
P28, line 6
Victor slowly brings the fire
P29, lines 2-3
*It flies out of Victor’s hands, and the merchant’s eyes simply watch it roll on the floor before they turn back to Percy.
P29, line 4
implicitly,” Percy says, hoping
P30, line 1
Victor
P30, line 3
can. “It’s
P31, line 1
breath, his heartrate normalizing
P31, line 2
little. But judging
P31, line 2
Victor
P31, line 4
Victor
P32, lines 1-2
To reassure himself, Percy bends down to sniff the so-called coffee.
P32, line 2
A familiar pungent, bitter aroma fills
P32, line 3
sates his curiosity.
P32, lines 3-4
[[[I think you should cut the entire last sentence of this paragraph. Taliesin kind of changes his mind halfway through asking for a cup and sets out to determine if it’s really coffee or not. Plus, this exchange is awkward to read because it seems out of order. Percy says “I’ll have some” BEFORE Victor asks if he wants any. I think it’d be more cohesive if you just cut this part.]]]
P33, line 1
Victor
P33, line 2
he says as he pulls
P33, line 3
counter. “Been a while
P34, lines 2-3
“Just—just one
P34, lines 3-4
off Victor goes to make the drink
P35, line 1
black powder,” quips Victor
P35, line 2
him. “Wait!
P37, line 1
Victor
P37, lines 2-3
center of his face. “Not many
P38, line 1
Victor
P38, line 2
coffee. “Have there
P39, line 1
Victor turns, his shaking hands
P39, line 2
tightly and his eyes casting upward
P39, line 3
one,” he wheezes as he hands Percy his drink. “Months ago.”
P40, line 1
his cup—which looks
P40, line 3
actually potable—tells
P40, line 4
Instead of taking a sip, he tries to distract Victor
P41, line 2
he had wanted. “Who?”
P42, line 1
Victor’s thick, dirty eyebrows furrow. “Err, nice woman,” he
P42, lines 2-3
as if to illustrate her likeness from memory. “Well dressed!”
P43, line 1
before Victor finishes that he speaks of
P43, lines 4-5
“Excellent,” he mutters. “She
P44, line 1
“No, no,” Victor answers
P44, lines 2-3
opportunity to dump his drink on the floor, hoping the splashing doesn’t alert Victor.
P44, lines 4-5
engrossed in his thoughts.
P45, line 1
intrigued. “Very
P46, line 1
Victor
P46, line 2
again. “She paid
P48, line 1
Victor
P49 lines 3-4
line of questioning and moves back to easy
P49, lines 4-5
“How, er—how have your own
P50, line 1
Victor’s only answer is a strange grin and another
P52, lines 2-3
calling for Percy and reminding him to
P53, line 2
main purpose. “I would be
P54, line 1
Victor
P56, line 1
Victor
P57, line 2
business. “Money can
P58, line 1
Victor
P58, line 4
across Victor’s already-messy face.
P59, line 1-3
“Oh, that’s not a moustache,” Percy remarks, swallowing down the small bit of bile that had risen in his throat.
P60, lines 1-2
Victor doesn’t seem to mind or notice at all. He places four small, empty potion flasks on the counter and starts
P60, line 4
Percy. “I already sold
P61, line 1
This time, Percy sighs in relief. “Yes,” he answers. “That would be lovely.”
P62, line 1
Victor
P64, line 1
“Wondrous!” Victor exclaims. “Deal!”
P66, lines 1-2
unsure of whether or not she wants
P66, line 2
Percy hears her walking
P67, lines 1-2
“250 gold,” Percy tells her as soon as she joins him, “if you would be so kind.”
P71, line 1
Victor greets Vex, the word booming out
P72, line 3
Victor’s
P72, line 4
somewhat lecherous stare.
P72, lines 4-5
This strange but rather funny turn
P72, line 5
Percy’s attention, and he
P72, line 6
to Victor without counting it. Victor’s entranced
P72, line 7
on Vex, who, to her credit, holds his stare and doesn’t turn away.
P72, line 8
Victor
P73, line 2
Victor’s
P73, line 3
funny, Percy intervenes.
P74, line 1
Victor
P74, line 2
him. “Thank you. You are so kind.
P75, line 2
Victor [[[Note: The phrase “as shrewd as he is unstable” is fantastic, btw.]]]
P76, line 1
Victor
P79, line 3
Victor
P79, line 5
bottle and squeeze the kiss inside.
P80, line 1
“Keep it safe, dear,” Vex
P81, lines 1-3
tells Victor. “All of us. Until we all meet again,” he says, and he can feel Vex’s glare at his intent to bring her along for any future interactions with Victor. “Keep safe, and…well, keep safe.”
P82, line 1
Victor
P83, line 1
Vex returns the wave with
P83, line 2
which disappears the second her back
P83, line 4
laughing, out of respect for her; she did
P83, line 5
Victor
P83, lines 5-6
Vex go before him through the narrowing exit.
P84, line 1
Victor
Beta note: A large point of contention among fiction writers is dialog tags. In this piece, you have all sorts of different tags—calls, barks, coughs, greets, prods, states, cackles, suggests, concurs, starts, replies, begins, advises, points out, answers, offers, murmurs, explains, snorts, specifies, quip, notes, echoes, wheezes, describes, mutters, corrects, repeats, adds, acknowledges, agrees, remarks, exclaims, protests, promises, returns, demands, whispers, laughs, shouts, says, and asks are most of them.
I feel like most of us were taught in school to never use “say” or “ask” in the interest of creativity or something. Some writers think that you should only use “say” and “ask.” They think this because when we read dialog, our brains can skim over “say” and “ask” almost as if they’re not there, allowing the reader to move through the dialog effortlessly. In short, the argument is that dialog tags can be distracting.
I had a writing professor a couple years ago who urged my class to cut all dialog tags except for “say” and “ask” out of our writing. At first, I was really reluctant. I thought that dialog tags gave my writing character and flair. But then the more I cut them out, the more I felt like my writing improved. I realized, then, that it’s a matter of focus. Instead of focusing on how a character says something, I began to focus on what the characters says. I do realize that this project—this blog as a whole—is something of an anomaly because the writers are creatively transcribing the show and are thus rather limited in terms of artistic license. However, I think the matter of focus still stands: What do you think is most important while writing?
I am not going to ask you to change your dialog tags. I only changed two of them when I thought the original ones didn’t make sense in context. I am not going to tell you it would be better or worse if you kept or changed the original tags. It’s just a suggestion, something to keep in mind.
I’m sorry the beta note is so long. I just…I really like writing, and I really like editing, and I might as well use my degree for something.
And, as always, don’t hesitate to drop me an ask if something I’ve written is unclear!
BETAREADING: nemesis1509's "Shopping and Shipping" scene
MOD NOTE: As a writer myself, thank you soooo much @sinkingmyships for the SUPER helpful notes at the end of this post!
P1, line 1
more, just after a meeting with
P1, line 2
Horn of Orcus
P1, lines 2-4
*The party’s first priority is to replenish the items used deep beneath the Greyspine Mines, and they make their way to the Abadar’s Promenade district in the midafternoon, warm sun on their skin, to a familiar, low building. [[[Note: Check the wiki, Crit Role Stats, or Critical Role Transcriptions for the correct spellings of places and people! I know fantasy names are often really difficult to make out, but there are a lot of resources available!]]]
P2, line 4
Abadar’s Promenade
P2, line 6
Vax stepped forward,
P3, like 1
confusion—how in hell’s name
P3, line 2
held by such a small shop?
P3, line 3
How, then, did a staircase lead upward?—but that moment of confusion passed
P3, lines 4-5
scents of the shop. The rogue ignored
P4, line 1
Sconces on the walls
P4, line 2
magical flames, which winking off of artfully
P4, line 4
purple robes wandered the shop
P4, lines 5-6
as they attended to other customers.
P5-8 (See beta note 1)
“Brother,” Vex’ahlia murmured, “you should get that evil Clarota helmet checked out and see what good it does us.”
Vax’s lips curved into a grin as he reached up one hand and tapped the skull cap he wore. “You mean this one?” he asked.
“Yes,” Vex deadpanned, used to her twin’s antics. “That one.”
Keyleth moved a little closer and spoke softly to the rogue. “I think you should be the point man here,” she said. Those who heard the druid’s words murmured their agreement.
P10, line 1
“Start looking, start shopping
P10, line 2
an…arrangement.” [[[Note: There’s just an extra space in the original.]]]
P10, line 4
how eager he was
P10, line 5
and the druid
P10, line 6, hands to the rogue’s shoulders in encouragement.
P11, lines 1-3
she told Vax firmly. She frowned and licked the tip of her thumb, wiping an almost-nonexistent smudge from Vax’s nose.
P12, line 1
not in view, so he swept
P12, lines 3-9
*Vax’ildan’s trained eyes moved across the counter and beyond it, noting the beaded curtain that hung from the store’s back door. He noticed the purple cloth that concealed a case set in the dark wood of the counter, a case that very likely held small valuables, knick-knacks, and stoppered vials of potions. With a mental jolt, he broke out of his reverie and reached out, firmly tapping the service bell three times.
P13, line 4
as a hand briskly whisked aside the beaded curtain.
P14, lines 1-2
voice purred, and Gilmore’s familiar figure stepped
P14, lines 2-3
Vax took everything in, from the well-made purple robes
P14, line 4
hung around his neck, to the coarse
P14, lines 5-6
ponytail, to the wispy, braided goatee, all of which added to
P15, line 1
“Oh. Oh. You’ve returned,” he said at last.
P16, line 1
[[[Note: I saw another person make a note of the use of “hale,” and this word works perfectly fine here. The more common expression is “hale and hearty,” but there’s no need to change it!]]]
P16, line 4
lifting the rogue’s feet
P17, line 3
filled the rogue’s nostrils.
P18-19 (See beta note 1)
“You naughty man, you just called me by my sister’s name. That is going to cost you.”
Gilmore blinked, flustered. “I—I said Vax! What do you mean? That’s ridiculous, preposterous, I mean—“
P20, line 1-4
*Vax simply arched his eyebrows cheekily and let Gilmore sputter his excuse. Vax knew what he heard, and he was more than willing to wait until Gilmore stopped squirming and admit his mistake.
P21-23 (See beta note 1)
Tiberius interrupted Gilmore’s groveling. He said, “Actually, Vax, he was correct. He said your name correctly but mixed it with your sister’s. So maybe you owe him a little something.”
After Tiberius spoke, Keyleth couldn’t help herself, and words tumbled from her lips. “He said Vax’ahlia,” she blurted out, then mentally kicked herself, even as Tiberius chimed in again in agreement.
Vax glanced back at his friends and gave them a testy “shut up” before returning his attention to Gilmore, who was quite embarrassed by this turn of events. Vax patted the other man’s hand. “Don’t you worry,” he said. “We have come from far and away—you would not believe the shit we have been through. But I don’t want to talk about me. I want to talk about you. What has been going on in this city since we’ve been gone?”
P24, lines 1-2
“Well,” Gilmore began, then turned to glance about the party behind Vax. “Obviously, you’ve brought
P24, lines 9-11
Perhaps even,” he said, leaning forward conspiratorially, “perhaps even—get this—opening a second store in Westruun.”
P28, line 1
two more arcanists, and
P28, line 3
available items. We’re doing quite
P30, line 2
your investor, in a way.
P30-31 (See beta note 1)
that’s a whole other discussion.”
Tiberius muttered and mumbled and shuffled his feet for a moment, then the truth dropped out between his fangs. “I just wanted you to talk to me for a little bit,” he admitted with surprising humility.
P32, line 3
after a moment, then
P32, line 4
“But yes. How about yourselves?” His voice
P33, line 3
for the Emperor—we’ve been
P34, line 2
levity. “I know
P35, line 4
shop about. My sister can
P35, line 6
around the city, get a bit
P35, line 8
The rogue paused
P35, line 11
you’ve heard, what’s on the wind.
P36, line 2
gears shifting in Gilmore’s mind. The rogue
P36, line 3
half-elven
P36, line 4
worry. Apparently no one
P40-42 (See beta note 1)
Hastily, Vex lifted a hand. “Oh, we need to shop around first, of course.”
The purple-robed mage looked a little confused at first, but then he shrugged. “Very well,” he replied.
Percy spoke up, covering any awkwardness. “And we’re so curious about these interesting and fascinating things that you’ve developed in the several weeks it’s been since we’ve been here. We’d love to see what you’ve been working on.”
P43, line 1
Sherri [[[Note: Shout out to Crit Role Stats for the correct spelling!]]]
P45-47 (See beta note 1)
“Would you be so kind as to see to whatever our friend need? These are Vox Machina, by the way; they are currently sponsored by Gilmore’s Glorious Goods Incorporated, and I would very much like to make sure that they are taken care of.”
The half-elf’s voice didn’t chance when she answered, “Yes, sir, I’ll make sure that happens.”
With a sweep of his hand toward Vax’ildan, Gilmore dismissed the matter. “So, shall we?” he purred.
P50, line 1
what I need,” he muttered
Beta note 1: There’s a little trouble with dialog formatting, which means that my paragraph system is a little wonky, but oh well. Something to keep in mind is that, most of the time, the actions that a character takes before, during, and/or after speaking should go as close to the dialog as possible. Paragraphs 5-8 are a good place to look for this. You have this section written as such:
“Brother,” Vex’ahlia murmured, “you should get that evil Clarota helmet checked out, and see what good it does us.” Vax’s lips curved into a grin as he reached up one hand and tapped the skull cap he wore.
You mean this one..?”
“Yes,” Vex replied, deadpan, used to her twin’s antics, “that one.” Keyleth moved a little closer and spoke softly to the Rogue.
“I think you should take point on this,” Keyleth said. Those who heard the Druid’s words murmured their agreement.
Luckily, this particular instance doesn’t prevent the reader from understanding who is saying what. Your dialog tags are clear, so there isn’t any confusion with that. However, while writing dialog, you should generally create new paragraphs every time the focus shifts to a new character. My edit turned out like this:
“Brother,” Vex’ahlia murmured, “you should get that evil Clarota helmet checked out and see what good it does us.”
Vax’s lips curved into a grin as he reached up one hand and tapped the skull cap he wore. “You mean this one?” he asked.
“Yes,” Vex deadpanned, used to her twin’s antics. “That one.”
Keyleth moved a little closer and spoke softly to the rogue. “I think you should be the point man here,” she said. Those who heard the druid’s words murmured their agreement.
All I really did was move the character’s actions closer to their dialog. (Well. I also listened to this part of the episode because “you should take point on this” didn’t sound right. But you get the point.)
Beta note 2: It is not necessary to capitalize a character’s race or class. The first reason is because the Player Handbook does not, and that’s pretty much the guideline. The second reason, in more thorough terms, is because a character’s class is like their job and their race (unlike race in the real world) is more like their species. It’s like if I introduced myself as Rachel, the Human Student. Or Judy in Zootopia introduced herself as the Bunny Cop. Or the vampire dad in Twilight introduced himself as the Vampire Doctor. (I’m sorry for the last one—it’s all I could think of.) It’s just not necessary.
Beta note 3: You used a lot of semicolons, and the majority of the semicolons are actually fine on a technical level. However, semicolons are typically pretty formal, and I didn’t think that they fit the tone of this piece, which is why I changed many of them to a more informal dash or turned the compound sentence into two sentences.
And, as always, please don’t hesitate to send me an ask if something I’ve written is unclear!
*writes something for tumblr that posts writing things* *obsessively checks post every five minutes to monitor note status* *squeels whenever someone likes/reblogs*
author: @nemisis1509
Beta/Edited: closed (Beta by @sinkingmyships)
Episode: 23 (Aramente to Pyrah)
Summary: With the aid of her friends, Keyleth conquers the fire plane. Vox Machina emerges from the soot and ash, a little worse for wear, but glad to have made it out.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
~The air howls, hot and harsh over the blackened and petrified trees of the Cindergrove. Two Druids in makeshift brown and red leathers wait, eyes narrowed against the whistling, shrieking, cinder-filled wind that spews upwards from the pool of lava that holds a portal to the Elemental Plane of Fire in the centre of the Grove. Their vigil is rewarded when a motley crew of figures- one, three, five, finally ten- explode outwards and upwards from the centre of the portal. Most of them land easily, but the bow-wielding half-elven woman and the red-scaled dragonborn crash into each other in midair and tumble down to the dusty ground, landing in an unceremonious heap.~
The blazing, vicious cinderstorm that Vox Machina and their Fire Ashari escort had been fleeing was still spilling through the portal, but healer Pike’s first priority was the wounds everyone had received during Keyleth’s test. One tiny, ash-covered hand closed around the ever-present symbol of Sarenrae that hung around Pike’s neck, and the cleric’s whispered prayer drifted on the air to the ears of the injured. The healer’s small, gnomish form glowed with a golden light for the briefest of moments, as did the bodies of Vox Machina, and together they voiced a sigh of relief as their wounds closed and their burns healed.
The portal to the Fire Plane closed abruptly, choking off the hot, sooty clouds spewing from its mouth, the black fumes dissipating. In the silence, Cerkonos, Headmaster of the Fire Ashari, walked slowly forward and extended a hand to Keyleth as she sat on the ashy ground. For a moment, the Flamespeaker just stood, a stern and unyielding look in his dark eyes. Then Cerkonos spoke.
“You. You have the blessing of the Pyrah behind you.” The corners of the Flamespeaker’s mouth twitched upwards at the interruption of exhausted cheers that erupted from Vox Machina, and Keyleth’s own lips curved in a smile, part in relief, part in weary pride. “Go forth. Continue your AraMente, knowing we acknowledge your wisdom and ability.”
Exhausted, Keyleth voiced her gratitude. “That you, Cerkonos. Brother,” she said. The Druid reached out to grasp the Flamespeaker’s hand in midair, and with one powerful movement, Cerkonos pulled Keyleth to her feet. Cerkonos’ beckoned with his other hand and a nod to one of the Druids that had been keeping watch. The Fire Ashari stepped forward, offering Keyleth an orb of rough, black stone with fiery red veins of pulsing energy that seemed to move even the Cindergrove’s subdued light. Keyleth accepted it, and her breath caught in her throat as it’s magic, hot and heavy, pulsed against her palms.
“This is a Spark Stone,” Cerkonos said. “Rare, within the realm you just escaped; we’ve harvested but a handful over generations, as few have returned with them. This one is yours, Keyleth, to use yourself or bequeath to an ally. When crushed by the hands of one, their fists shall burn with the fury of an Efreet.” Jaws dropped among the party; this was a princely gift. Seemingly without thought, Vex spoke up, her eyes locked on the orb between Keyleth’s palms.
“For how long?” Cerkonos’ eyes moved across, and he remained silent for a moment; then the Flamespeaker seemed to remember that Keyleth, whom he now honoured, called this occasionally impertinent half-elf “sister”.
“For as long as you wish,” the Headmaster replied. “The choice is yours to whom this blessing is given.” Keyleth’s fingers curled around the Stone. For the Fire Ashari to give up such a precious and rare artifact…
“Thank you. This is a great honour,” Keyleth said simply. The younger Druid held the elder’s gaze for a long moment before Cerkonos turned to look at the rest of the group.
“Well,” the Headmaster said, “you are welcome to stay as long as you wish before you must continue on your journey.”
“I think a rest might be in order,” Keyleth sighed. “I’m exhausted.” Noises of agreement filled the air from the other members of Vox Machina agreed to rest with the Fire Ashari, and Grog wondered aloud if they could have graham crackers and chocolate.
“And also a lot of water,” Vex'ahlia panted, fanning herself theatrically with one hand.
“Water would be lovely,” Percy commented dryly as he put his mask away.
“Water,” Keyleth said dreamily. “Do you have water, Cerkonos?” The Flamespeaker’s face was blank with surprise for a moment before he replied.
“We can offer some-”
Tiberius interrupted the Headmaster’s words. “I have water,” the dragonborn said jovially, a heartbeat before pulling a flask from his bag and popping the cork. Water- fresh, clear and cold- sprayed into the air, drenching everything, including Vox Machina, the Fire Ashari, Cerkonos, and even the lava pit behind the group.
“Gah,” Percy muttered, turning away and lifting a hand to shield his eyes, but he wasn’t loud enough to cover Vex’s next indignant question.
“You’ve had an endless supply of water while we’ve been fighting Fire Elementals?” she asked in disbelief as the magical water continued to spray and steam rose around the party.
“Yes,” came Tiberius’ calm reply. For a moment, Vex stared through the magical downpour. Then the half-elf’s eyes met those of her twin, and in unison they sighed and shook their heads. “It’s mainly for drinking and such,” Tiberius added, slightly confused, as the water continued to pour. The sorcerer hovered the cork over the neck of the bottle. “Are we all done?”
Percy, Pike and Keyleth moved to wash the dust and soot of the Fire Plane from their skin and drink from their cupped hands. The Fire Ashari stepped into the magical rain as well, muttering about the length of time it took to gather water from the distant wells each morning. They procured cups and gratefully filled them to the brim before Tiberius stoppered his flask. Then, Vox Machina and the Druids saluted each other with respect normally only shown to fine wine, and drank, their parched mouths gulping the water down greedily.
Cerkonos led Vox Machina gently but firmly to the edge of the Cindergrove, and gave a nod to Keyleth as he rubbed his shoulder. “I must heal the wounds of my helpers, taken during your test. Do as you see fit; leave when you feel comfortable. And good luck.”
Keyleth folded one arm across her chest, fist over heart, and bowed. “Kaitiaki, brother.”
Cerkonos’ mouth was grim, but there was a smile in the Flamespeaker’s dark eyes when he replied. “Kaitiaki, Princess.” With that, the Headmaster turned, and was soon lost to sight among the trees of the Cindergrove, leaving Vox Machina behind on the edge of the small Druid village of Pyrah.
Grog’s deep, booming voice interrupted the contemplative silence the Flamespeaker’s exit had created. “Your people are fucking sweet,” the Goliath said as he turned to Keyleth. Any remaining tension was dispelled as most of the group exploded into laughter, and after a moment, Keyleth managed to thank the Goliath.
“Yes, I rather enjoyed that Fire Elemental myself,” Tiberius announced. Keyleth’s hands extended for a moment, and the Druid made a small gesture that encompassed the group.
“Thanks for coming with me,” Keyleth said, simply and honestly.
Vox Machina rumbled and muttered, before Pike saved them from having a maudlin moment.
“What does ‘kaitiaki’ mean?‘” the cleric asked.
Keyleth replied, “It is… sort of our salute. Um, it means… guardian. And brother. Brethren. So it’s like a high salute.”
Vex and Pike repeated the word a time or two, but Vax'ildan’s interrupted the impromptu language lesson. “And, not tomorrow, please; but where do you need to go next for this quest of yours?” the Rogue asked.
“Well, my last stop would be to the Water Ashari, in Aquus,” Keyleth replied, brow slightly furrowed in thought.
“Lovely name,” Vax responded dryly as he deftly avoided a thrust from Vex'ahlia’s elbow.
“But they’re on another continent,” Keyleth added, lifting one hand to push back her damp hair, which was drying fast Pyrah’s hot air.
“So that’s good,” Grog rumbled, “I don’t think we could take another one right now anyway.”
“A little rest is in order,” Percy said, brushing absently and futilely at the soot encrusting his clothing.
“I’m doing pretty good, actually; I’m kind of ahead of schedule,” Keyleth murmured after another moment’s thought.
“Wonderful. Let’s just take some respite,” Tiberius agreed firmly.
Vox Machina took a short rest at a hut in the small village; each taking their turn with the dragonborn’s enchanted flask to bathe and remove the worst of the grime. Keyleth spent part of their rest thinking about the Spark Stone. After some contemplation, the Druid concluded that there was no hurry to decide the Stone’s fate and stowed it safely away. Then, slowly, they made their way down the mountain range and gathered their horses.
After giving the animals a little feed, Vox Machina mounted, with Vex returning to Trinket’s back, and they began their journey back to Vasselheim. The three-day journey was filled with stories and songs; perhaps not as tuneful as they would have been had Scanlan been able to accompany them, but enjoyable nonetheless.
The uneventful journey ended after the group passed beyond the massive grey stone walls of Vasselheim; upon stopping by the Temple of Sarenrae, Pike discovered that the Priestess of the Raven Queen, who had been lifting the curse set upon the grounds had done her job and done it well. The grounds were now ready to be sanctified and rededicated to Pike’s patron deity.
The eager voices that had lifted from the Temple to greet them made the diminutive cleric blush; those that had been little more than strangers and fellow followers of Sarenrae a week ago were now clamouring for Pike’s attention and were showing a level of devotion to the gnome that made her a little uncomfortable. After greeting the other worshippers properly, Pike gathered together with the rest of Vox Machina, and words escaped her in a low mutter.
“What if I don’t wanna go back? What if I just want to stay? With you?”
“You’re an important figure to us as well, Pickles,” Vax said, humor coating the real sadness in his voice.
“You’ve done so much for our lives,” Grog began slowly, “maybe you’ll continue to do good in these lives.” Pike’s eyes met the Goliath’s for a moment, and her lips curved in a reluctant smile.
“Well, debatable,” the cleric replied lightly.
“You can leave them at any time,” Grog added hastily, sweeping one massive arm through the air to indicate those who waited eagerly for the gnome. “And we’ll kick their arse and you can come with us.”
“At any moment at all,” Vex'ahlia added in a chuckle that ended in a noise that was suspiciously close to a sob, as Keyleth spoke up.
“You know where home is.”
“This was so great; being a part of this journey that you had,” Pike said, turning to the Druid.
“Thank you; I’m glad you came,” Keyleth replied simply.
“You are always a part of our journey no matter where we go, Pike.” Tiberius spoke calmly, but there was a world of unsaid feeling in the dragonborn’s eyes.
“Just keep the poo close,” Grog rumbled with a mischievous look in his eyes. Pike looked blank for a moment before Vex spoke up after flashing the Goliath a glare.
“I mean, I don’t know what it does, exactly, but…” Watching his twin flounder, Vax finished for her.
“Just put your faith in Sarenrae,” he said. Pike’s expression changed to a grin. These people were weird, but they were her friends.
“Okay.” For another long moment, the cleric’s eyes moved among the group. “Well, I guess I’ll go.” Pike’s eyes slid to Keyleth’s, and the gnome rested her arm across her chest, fist to heart. “Kaitiaki.” The Druid’s eyes brimmed over for a moment as her own arm came up and she returned the salute.
“Kaitiaki,” Keyleth replied. With that, Pike moved away but was stopped when Tiberius enveloped her in a scaly hug. When they stepped apart, Tiberius cleared his throat and tugged at his robes, slightly embarrassed.
“You were always my favourite gnome,” the dragonborn muttered awkwardly.
“Oh, thanks. You were always my favourite… well, dragonborn, I guess,” Pike replied, laughing. Tiberius laughed too and returned the thanks. Again, Pike hesitated, then turned away once more and headed for the excavation site. One of Vex'ahlia’s hands reached up to press against the dull ache lodged just below her breastbone.
“It hurts, every time,” the Ranger sighed. Grog rumbled in agreement, but Vax'ildan simply leaned against his sister for a moment in silent sympathy as they watched the small form walk away.
BETAREADING: nemisis1509′s “Shopping and Shipping” scene
Much thanks to @ethantherenegade for these notes!
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
Edited sections are bolded.
Once again a very good job. There are a few spelling errors, but nothing too serious. The second edit, the second “oh” has now been italicized, however this may not reflect the episode itself, as it has been some time since I’ve seen it. From a writing standpoint however, it separates the two “oh"s. Lastly, there is a bolded question mark next to "hale” in the third edited segment. I’m not sure what the original author had intended in that sentence, and if that word was autocorrected or misspelled.
—
~Vox Machina walks the streets of Emon once more, after a session with the Council and the Sovereign of Tal'Dorei to decide the fate of the Horn of Orcus. Replenishment of the items used far beneath the Mines of Kraghammer is at the top of the party’s list, and they make their way to Avidar’s Promenade in the midafternoon under a warm sun, to a familiar, low but wide building.~
“Oh. Oh. You’ve returned.”
“Gilmore.” Vax let his happiness to the see the other man hale(?) and well show in his voice. “You glorious bastard, how have you been?”
Vax simply arched his eyebrows and waited until Gilmore’s spluttered excuses were interrupted by Tiberius’ voice; Vax knew what he’d heard, and the Rogue was more that willing to wait until Gilmore stopped squirming and realize he was caught.
Gilmore gathered himself for a moment. “We have been doing marvelously; trade has opened up wide in Emon. We’ve had travellers from all over Tal'Dorei and beyond. It’s incredible.”
“But yes; I’ve taken on two more Arcanists, and we’ve been in the process of designing some more interesting, wondrous items. We’ve stocked up on our available items; we’re doing quite well for ourselves.”
“Very well,” Gilmore repeated. “Sherry!”
The party watched the half-elven woman’s shoulder drop as she reponded in a toneless voice. “Yes, Gilmore.”
I want to apologize for there not being anything new on the blog over the past few days. For those who know, very major things were happening in my personal life that kept me off of the computer in general. Rest assured that I did receive all the new work that has been sent in, and I’ll be posting them all gradually. I hope this brief hiatus that there wasn’t much of a warning for hasn’t put anyone off continuing to enjoy this blog/project! Thank you so much for understanding!
