#no nicotine

[velvet-moooon]

not feeling great today

[kelperings]

idk what this arc in my life is where im becoming like virgin pure but ykw im okay with it

[callingfates]

I’ll be like a wildflower, I’ll live on sheer willpower

[bee]

i want nicotine

[filthssecretdiary]

I’m starting to understand why some people can’t get off drugs because me trying to kick nicotine and vaping is starting to kick my ass 

[freebdeeb]

today’s the day

[heartworm2424]

Nicotine. I don’t know how along the way I ended up developing a minor addiction. I say minor in attempts to make myself feel better but l know it’s bad. I have successfully quit smoking. It’s been.. I wanna say close to a year and a half. The occasional craving is still there especially because I love the after smell of cigarettes, not the stench on ones self but the way a room lightly smells burnt and of rough smoke - I like that. I do crave it occasionally. However, after weaning myself off of cigarettes I found myself substituting with vapes. I always made it a point to use the zero nicotine vapes but along the way I became lazy, less strict and I’d hit whatever was in easy access - eventually leading to an unconscious uncontrolled nicotine addiction. I only realised when I started having physical manifestations of withdrawals and even then it took my friends calling me out for me to see it for what it was and accept it. I’ve never been able to sustain a withdrawal without giving in and vaping. If you truly pay attention to me, you will see that I don’t spend money (Asides when I’m out in a group or getting food) I actually hate spending money, and I truly pride myself at the restrictions I’ve self imposed interms of delayed gratification, however I found myself breaking all my rules to fund this embarrassing habit. My patience is somehow so thin when it comes to this. I want to stop though. I told her I would as well.

But these past few days have been really rough. I’ve not been able to think. She’s texting me at the rate of once every 24 hours. I’m overthinking. I’m over feeling. I need attention, affection and reassurance. I have a very anxious attachment. My emotions and hormones are all over the place and I truly just want to sit in a corner and smoke. I’d take a cigarette at this point. I’d gone out yesterday and the craving was making me itch. I almost caved in but I thought about her - I think she’d be disappointed in me if she knew I broke my streak and smoked a cigarette. So I didn’t.

I worry. I worry about her a lot. She seems to have gotten extremely busy and in lieu forgotten me. I keep telling her I understand but sigh. I miss her. I miss talking to her. Reconnecting with her has made me the happiest. I fear my feelings aren’t equally reciprocated. All these fucking feelings have made me further struggle.

If she tells me she’ll be disappointed then it makes it easier for me to stop. I find myself listening to her with zero difficulty. Sure there may be the occasional resistance but I know I have a soft spot for her that makes me inherently want to do things in her liking.

This is so fucking stupid. Why do I have zero discipline in this regard. Why do I need her to impose this and trick my brain into being disciplined.