Longing;
(A commission for @dirthara-mama. Thank you so much hun, I hope you like this!!! Ayelet Lavellan x Solas abound everyone. Prompt: Angst. The first time Solas realizes he misses Ayelet, but I kinda messed with it a little bit. Solas just took over!!)
-x-
The first time he leaves her, a part of him splinters and never stops. A spirit of pride he had been, once, but somehow she is the only one who ever gives him pause, makes him doubt. It is... distracting.
And after Wisdom's death, it cannot be allowed.
He leaves her there in the plains - the bodies of the mages still burning - anger hot in his veins, the taste of ash in his mouth.
He leaves and it is fury and death and isolation (it will never be his friend again).
He is alone.
-x-
It is her who leaves him the second time, and it is grief and love and wrath so entwined it is almost unbearable.
You are perfect exactly as you are...
The reminder of Ghilan'nain is stretched across her face, bitter memory in his mouth, but he means it; she is perfection even still. He loves her. He loves her.
He kisses her like he cannot get enough, starving, aching, and in that moment he almost gives up everything... almost.
But in the end he cannot escape who he is, not even for her.
She pushes him, over and over, and he lets her. He deserves her anger.
Tell me you don't care, she intones.
Tell me I was just some casual dalliance...
She leaves, and it is spite and blame, and entirely his fault (he will never have her again).
He is alone.
-x-
The third time he leaves, it is solemn duty, but also relief.
He does not have the orb, and yet... (he is almost glad).
He must regroup.
You were right to be angry... I hope, in time, you will understand...
He leaves her before she can notice, and it is pain (he tells himself it isn't).
He is alone.
-x-
The final time Solas leaves, it is ruin and surrender.
He tells her everything he can allow himself to, tells her who he is and what he has done.
She offers to help him (no, no, no), but his heart clenches with dread even as it soars.
I cannot do that to you vhenan..
He loves her still.
And as she falls to her knees - out of time - he kneels with her, holding the hand with the anchor.
One last kiss, desperate, and he leaves her - slowly and more spent than he thought possible.
Var lath vir suledin..
He wishes it could.
Ayelet Lavellan was never supposed to be such a blow (but she is).
He is alone.
-x-
He misses the small things most of all, he realizes sometime after; the feel of Yel's curls as she lays her head in his lap, the smoothness of her skin as he traces it while he reads to her, the smile she gives him when she teasingly counts his freckles, the warmth of her body as she leans in close. The kisses that they can exchange for hours, worshipping her every surface.
It's maddening; enough so that he starts to slip into her dreams.
He cannot help but watch, enraptured, but every time she spies him he turns away.
He is alone.
...and yet...
she changes everything.
