#no syscourse here please

[luckylucille-balsa]

One of our four Andrew Fictives.

[arlyonit]

Been having an interesting few weeks.

It appears that dissociation has been masking a lot, and now ?I? ?we? Have collapsed into a puddle of ?mental illness?.

Not all parts that front have identified themselves as different. There's a depressive part who has given themselves no name, no identity, just... depressive. And I believe there is a self-protect part that responds very strongly to anything perceived as physically harmful.

There are parts with their own names and colours too, parts that, after everything started collapsing, were quick to identify themselves as different.

Idk what counts as a fragment, but I'm classing it as a part that has no name, no colour, doesn't want them or are heavily dependent on a specific purpose. Like 🥼 is entirely dependent on the lab and lab work, he does not and does not want to exist out of this context. 🐓, however, can and does exist as his own entity outside of any specific context. 🐬 is difficult because 🐬 seems to just be anxiety incarnate, but does appear to be an alter, not fragment. 🐬 has likes and dislikes and wants.

There are over 10 identified as different, now. Not fragments, alters. Yesterday a new one popped up, who is the only one so far to not be familiar with gf or where we live. They did not identify a name or colour for themselves, and feel quite different to the rest of us. They spent the entire time confused. They feel less "alter" and more "headmate", idk how to describe it.

I suppose this is to say we need to see someone who is a bit better equipped to deal with this than we are. We're not particularly functional right now.

Oh well.

We've been keeping a journal on Ampersand. Personal entries, day summaries, sleep information, drawings and writings. 🌿 likes making it all pretty, but really the main point is getting it as informative as possible. The more switches there are the more we struggle to remember, and this is proof, in a way. We share a memory so nothings secret.

Being many separate thoughts and feelings and ideas has helped a lot with accepting that it isn't going to always be laid out exactly the same. We found @pride-stars lately, and I love stars, so I obviously added the stars relevant to us to the system profile, and individual alters too.

Even made some new ones, because we couldn't find them on @pride-stars profile:

Big, middle and little. It's important to us to keep this in mind, and I love the flags.

Anyway, we've been feeling unwell in brain ways. Not sure what to do or what to make of it, but oh well.