this is hard
im fucking 24.
i totally skipped this. its like my dreamy time ended and i didnt even say goodbye to that. I just keep re-reading this crazy shit from my insomniac times, from being too much excited of the world. i keep reading and i keep asking, wait was I writing the truth? was i so naive? a post on alcohol and how not to abuse it? u know what bitch, i got drunk 2 days ago and it was pure magic. and no hangover, im really getting good. but probably the truth is i’ve been tempered in hardcore finland (vappu blackout anybody??) and now i am extremely restrained, i mean im no more 15 year old ruining my liver with bad booze, am I? Im still studying, this makes me feel like i’m still pretty cool. im justified, u know? but i feel like im getting mature soon, and getting a job i like, and getting that fucking password back from my old recumbent bank account and close it. yes. believe in yourself. but no, actually im pretty lost. sometimes i feel like im not gonna be able to pursue this thing and i’ll end up at mcdonald. other times i feel like im intellectual enough to overcome all the leaders/professionals in my school. then i wake up in a sweat. im still a loser at relationships. bonding with my cat for harder times. the truth is im doing pretty well, i do workouts and im a super tech-girl. I know this sounds bitchy, but seriously i could really have several people at my feet, anytime. But I can’t do much. i feel crazy good alone. Also it’s fun, cause each of these boys thinks that im secretly theirs. ‘‘she’s not dating anybody, she must be into me’‘ what,seriously? i dont even smile at people sometimes. that requires a lot of energy. but of course im also into some toxic relationship. one that is so mazy and harmful, and while i am pulled into it very often, i push to get out soon, like im too full of this shit. so eventually that doesnt count. im trying to meet this normal person who doesnt make too many stupid observations, and who chills with me, doesnt mess with my life, and is possibly not a doll. i can make it. here I am, still writing bullshit. Like my older me is not going to be mad at all this bullshit. But of course im getting better, i can criticize myself and even send some anon negative feedback, just in case. im excited to know how my miserable life is gonna evolve. nothing to add xoxo