an average girly diary

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this is hard

im fucking 24.

i totally skipped this. its like my dreamy time ended and i didnt even say goodbye to that. I just keep re-reading this crazy shit from my insomniac times, from being too much excited of the world. i keep reading and i keep asking, wait was I writing the truth? was i so naive? a post on alcohol and how not to abuse it? u know what bitch, i got drunk 2 days ago and it was pure magic. and no hangover, im really getting good. but probably the truth is i’ve been tempered in hardcore finland (vappu blackout anybody??) and now i am extremely restrained, i mean im no more 15 year old ruining my liver with bad booze, am I? Im still studying, this makes me feel like i’m still pretty cool. im justified, u know? but i feel like im getting mature soon, and getting a job i like, and getting that fucking password back from my old recumbent bank account and close it. yes. believe in yourself. but no, actually im pretty lost. sometimes i feel like im not gonna be able to pursue this thing and i’ll end up at mcdonald. other times i feel like im intellectual enough to overcome all the leaders/professionals in my school. then i wake up in a sweat. im still a loser at relationships. bonding with my cat for harder times. the truth is im doing pretty well, i do workouts and im a super tech-girl. I know this sounds bitchy, but seriously i could really have several people at my feet, anytime. But I can’t do much. i feel crazy good alone. Also it’s fun, cause each of these boys thinks that im secretly theirs. ‘‘she’s not dating anybody, she must be into me’‘ what,seriously? i dont even smile at people sometimes. that requires a lot of energy. but of course im also into some toxic relationship. one that is so mazy and harmful, and while i am pulled into it very often, i push to get out soon, like im too full of this shit. so eventually that doesnt count. im trying to meet this normal person who doesnt make too many stupid observations, and who chills with me, doesnt mess with my life, and is possibly not a doll. i can make it. here I am, still writing bullshit. Like my older me is not going to be mad at all this bullshit. But of course im getting better, i can criticize myself and even send some anon negative feedback, just in case. im excited to know how my miserable life is gonna evolve. nothing to add xoxo

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I'm just realizing that I mostly fall in love with people's voice is that so irrecoverable

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latest newss

my best friend was just dumped in turn and I see we're still two single people together which is awesome, bitchez

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so hello

me and my best friend had respectively a date tonight with 2 real people and i guess thats great. the only thing is, I dumped my person.

I know i know i know he was a cute and ok person but you know when you don't feel like dating him because he didn't trigger that spark in your eyes, that warm feeling of spending some more time together.

21

what a nice age to be alone :D now my beastie is having fun (with her crush also, NOT a normal person) and I'm almost sure we won't be spending much time together from tomorrow. SO i was supposed to find my escort boy and not giving a fuck, but guess what, im here, listening to brand new and eating chocolate, oh and writing my daily bullshit on tumblr (you're lucky you dont have to bear with my twitter). WHTAZWRONGWITHMEpeopleTELLLLME okay I tell you, when you don't have that right person near to you, not even with his mind if he's miles away, then fuck that, its actually awesome to be alone. I mean, im kinda used to it since i was a snotting kid, and sometimes you're tired of it, but most of the time you're okay with it, if you have other things in your life that keeps you active and happy(whaaat a big word). but okay, let me tell you about this episode: last friday my landlady was stuck in the sauna room for 15 minutes because the door's handle broke, and when I went looking for her and forced the door and felt like hulk she thanked me and told me something like "if you and *the other tenant* weren't here, I would have been probably stuck in here until the cleaning ladies would find me on monday". She was also laughing. she's a great person, she's always joking about everything. but this time I saw the fear in her eyes. Her husband and daughter left her several years ago to get on their selfish way and now most of the time she's really alone. - now im listening to some Daughter, if you wanna get in the mood or something - So my question is: can we actually be on our own, or we should have someone near in any case for safety reasons? It might be pretty obvious, but I tell you it's n o t e a s y  to find someone we can bear all-life-long. And if you solved this

"then you are the lucky one

cheers,

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you know

when you make a person so mad at you he doesn't even answer a question?

I feel so spiteful and powerful in that moment

I feel GREAT

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random friend: how did you spend your holidays back in your country?

me: cool! i was with my family, friends, cats, stuff, I had fun

best friend: how was your holiday time

me: kinda sucked

best friend: lets go for a beer

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FUCK  THAT WAS PROVOKING

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do you steal

or do you seek

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I've got these very brief flashes of my last new year's eve time and 

I hope it'll be all

yes, alcohol again,

the confidence it gives you is like WHA' , I mean, much talking confidence, wow lots fun, so super. I think I had it with the wrong person.

alcohol is very bad

happy new year buds,

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Also

I can't believe, in all my selfishness today, how I was about to forget to wish the best birthday to this awegorgeous woman.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WOMAN.

I've been following her since she was still a girl, and she kinda helped me through all my teenaging moments.  I don't wanna claim my extreme fandomism now, I'm one in millions and it's never been a race, but I truly respect her, I admire her rustless strenght and will-power. Also, I don't care in which branch their music will end up in 10 years, I will keep loving it whether it stays genuine as it's always been.

I really wish to take the best from this woman to build my own life as well, my original, inedited, life : )

thank you,

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On being away for too long

Hi there, I'm here, back in my hometown.   Hi there! ....hey-ho, yo-hoooo im here! heyyaaa folksss guys where are y-anjdnbjasf fuck this-aw ok, i guess its ok

that was my reaction, exactly

people are not really expected to wait your comeback with open arms until the end. people are like cats, people forget. The most if you weren't that kind of crazy sympathetic positive person for all your life. I'm mostly spending my holidays at home, seeing someone sometimes, eating chocolate all the time. I didn't really expect this reaction by everyone. Now I feel like I've been betraying them for a long time and just now I'm realizing. I kinda fell again in this sickness. Also, I'm sick for real, all the time, looks like I've got some allergies which manifest only in my country-fuck i'm allergic to all this- I now see how selfish I've been most of the time.BUT i'm not being negative now. I'm just examining the situation, I'm just writing it down to free my mind for a while. so, what's the point, the point is I wanna go back to my new cold city as soon as possible, because I sorta created my brand new life there and have these brand new people around (though for a limited time). only 3 weeks, 3 weeks and I'll be free again. Free from feeling guilty for this place falling down, free from feeling coward for not assisting it. 

This post will not make me gain anything, no approvals, much disappointment, but I really hope to change when I'll eventually come back to this place. Then  it'll be sunny and warm,  I hope to be prepared for that.

cheers,

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On being drunk and other vicissitudes

now I'm coming back to life from the (maybe) worst hangover of my life. it has been yesterday night, I think, my time is pretty fucked up now.  so looks like I'm so cool, I get drunk all the time yaaaay swag errrwhere cigarette in hand, cans in the bag (always think bout recycle though) but no, hey, wait, I haven't been that drunk for 3 years, and why the fuck did I fall into this - I'm just remembering that probably at that time I sorta promised myself not to be in that condition again- I was young and maybe still a little wise. but no, I will also tell you about this part

  because it was some awesome time for real. I just felt so full of energy, so elated, so powerful, so inspired, so wise(haha not kidding) so many things you probably already know. In that moment I thought "why the hell i don't get drunk more often", I've never been so high by alcohol in my life. also I had a nice companionship around and we danced, we talked about life and laughed so hard. nice moments, really. And then, I kept going down down by the river

but the worst is yet to come.

my post-awesometime episode was kinda traumatic. I fell down in the illness in less than a minute. I started no-stop-throwing up all around (luckily in the bathroom area), and then outside when they kicked us out at 3am, and then at the bus stop, and this morning in my friend's wc (until the void belly cramps). layed in bed all day, did nothing productive all day, felt terribly sorry all day. it was not a nice day.

I don't wanna draw my conclusions about this, since I'm not even sure if it was a totally awful experience. but if you are considering to get out and get drunk as fuck tonight, think a little about me :°  and if you wanna go on, just take this advice: never mix the shit.

it was fun and blasting, but you know what   TRY  at least once and then possibly never again,

try it, go make your own life, stop staring at this fucking screen now

hum, else,  I can only suggest you to go back to work ;)

best,

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being drunk.

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sleeping sucks today

i cannot sleep today and I'm so bored that I had the great idea to come back on this. You see, night is the maximum procrastination time since you really cannot do anything else - last time I tried to work I sleepwalked on my computer and destroyed most of the project I was working on - . But also its the worst time because you start thinking and you feel it like a very wise thinking. and sad, and melancholic and what is life

and shit

so it's way better to write rather than think. I'm considering the fact that i'm so used to be lonely that I'm not able to share the bed with other people anymore. as in this situation, my friend is staying the night and she's sleeping pretty good, i was like, admiring the ceiling all the time. I could have problems with my next husband for this. I could have problems with marriages in general.

wops, battery is over - whattodonow - powersup is too fuckin far

good night to you then

me and imsomnia are gonna have fun

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oh hello again

looks like something brought me back, and stopped me from spending the next hour scrolling the infinite dashboard on the other account - cool.

this is me on my average mood.

yes it's cold enough here to wear scarfs all the time. yes thats my typical expression. yes thats pretty tomboy but I'm in a complicate relationship with elegance ( I always cheat on her with coziness).

I will use this to talk about some weird situations of my life, i'm not a sketcher but sometimes I really get into drawings (mainly during intense theoretic lectures at uni), I drown into drawings. sometimes

btw this ain't gonna be a personal venting blog. I mean, i'm pretty pessimistic, sometimes, but I'm also having some great new experiences and new life lessons, and I hope this will be mostly what I'll share with you soon.

so no complaining about how cruel the world is when I cannot have a coffee in the morning, or how stupid people is, or how low is my force of will (still at 20%, for the record!). It's been 3 months that I'm here abroad and I really feel like fulfilling something in my life, that's why I'm not gonna come back for a while, and I'm ready to leave all behind. Even my problematic affection with certain people of my country, that have been messing my head up for the last month, I'm gonna loose that from today,  and it's for the best, really :)

so

are you ready for the sugary, sloppy, glittery wonderful happy diary?

good.

cheeeeers,

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dear unknown

Its me again, and this is the adventure. well it will probably be a boring one, but whatever, the real reason i'm leading this under-cover new blog is that I need to write things down, I need to report events, experiences, thoughts that are all in my mind and have been there for too much time; someone already escaped, and i'm so sorry for that.   -----> So I do this for myself

whoever you are, reading this now, I don't care you'll mostly be myself every time, but maybe it will be in a year,  maybe ten, maybe I'll read this again old and alzheimered (I won't surely miss that), and I'll be able to call everything back,

every, single, fucking, awesome, memory

maybe this project will be fucked up tomorrow, but you should never give up the try. (sorry for the already-badwords-abusing, I'll try to be moderate)

Also, as you may have noticed, I'm not english-native. if you read some weird crap sometimes it's because of that, and not because I'm a little psycho (well,  ).

 about myself, I will only tell you:

I'm a girl {youdontsay [i mean, how many boys write diaries? (duh)]}

I'm 21 ( I will speak a lot about being 20 on average though)

I'm an Erasmus student (now it gets exciting)

should be enough for today. the things I've got to say are like infinite, but I will try to dose them <eaaaaasy>

level 1 accomplished!

cheers,

[overaging20]

HELLO world

this is me,

don't ask my name, don't ask where i'm from nor where i'm going. 

this is me telling you the best and worst moment of my life, starting by now, for reasons i will explain.  

I hope you enjoy my little piece of existence on you.

cheers,