Thoughts on family
Ohana is hard. Ohana is a pain in my ass. Oh I’m not going to pretend that it’s not worth it, because it IS. Every moment, every memory, every smile makes all the bullshit worth while. It’s still a pain in the ass. YOU are a pain in the ass…
So here’s the thing… I’m 31 years old and feel like I have a pretty good handle on my life. Sure, things aren’t perfect all the time, but honestly I wouldn’t want them to be. Life would be pretty boring if I had everything figured out. It’s like a wave, ya know? Life is full of ups and downs, and it’s the tough times that make the good times so welcome. Or so I’ve always liked to think. Sometimes though…I’m not so sure. I know deep down there is some truth behind my way of thinking and yet I also know that there are some things that no one should ever have to experience. One of these things is the loss of a child. I always say that not having children is a personal choice for me, and to an extent it is. I have my nieces and nephews and they are enough for me. I love them with every bit of maternal pride and instinct that I possess. Still, there has always been a part of me, the tiny voice in the back of my head, that tells me I’m lying. In addition to that choice, there is the fear. The fear and the knowledge that I could not, would not, be able to cope if I lost a child. I fall to pieces just thinking about it. Then I hear this story about a family that has recently suffered a great tragedy. Their little boy was born 4 months early, and after two precious days with them, he passed away. I think about it and my heart breaks, and I can’t even imagine the pain they must feel… Except that…this is MY family. Not some stranger that I’ve never heard of. It isn’t some sob story from another state shared so many times that a secret part of me callously questions it’s validity. This is REAL to me. I grew up with that baby’s daddy… and I weep with him for the loss of something so precious.
And then there’s you. You who I wish I could say this to. You who I wish I could shake until you understood where I am coming from. You who has given up. You who thinks you’ve lost. You who I know will never say thank you and who instead hurls accusations. I never wanted this. I don’t regret it, but it wasn’t my first choice. I didn’t want to fill this role for an angsty teen, a clingy toddler, and a middle little who just can’t quite come to terms with what is going on. I didn’t want to become more to them than what I already was, but I did it because someone had to. I wanted you to become who they needed you to be. I wanted you to accept the help that was being offered. You didn’t have to ask for it, I know that would have been too hard, but it was and still is there for you to take hold of. All you have to do is try. The most frustrating thing about it is that you haven’t lost them yet. You’re not going to lose them. I won’t let it happen. Despite how much that nagging voice in my head whispers that it would be for the best, I can’t allow you to give up. I won’t.
It’s because of them and all their silly smiles–all the memories and all the moments that make this bullshit worthwhile. It’s because you’re a pain in the ass, but you’re still my pain in the ass. It’s because of Ohana. God damned Ohana.
