Celebrating the 100th birthday of my father and the seven points of wisdom I learned from him
Today, my father Harold Lawrence Brooks, would be 100 years old. Happy birthday!
For those of you who know me and are a bit confused by which dad I’m talking about as there are three men who have played this role in my life (Harold, Dan and Bill) and also three women who’ve been the role of mother for me (Ramona, Virginia and Kay), Harold was my biological father.
Without going through the long complicated story here and now, just know that my father had an extraordinary life with many milestones, some more positive than others.
I also know that the relationship I had with my father is very different than what my siblings did (I’m their half-brother as I have a different mother than they did). They were also much older, most of them adults with their own families by the time I came around, as my father had me quite a bit later in life. I was also adopted into another family (the story behind this is where the intrigue, drama and more complexity happens) and so I was also raised in a very different environment than they were. For much of my childhood I thought “Mr Brooks” was just a kind friend of the family who helped out a lot with our needs and I got to go see him each winter to go skiing at his family’s cabin in Taos, New Mexico.
Although I always knew I was adopted, I didn’t know who my biological parents were until I was 13, when my sister from my adopted family told me, while in a huge fight with our mother.
Suddenly, Harold was actually my father. OK, cool. It really didn’t surprise or bother me in any way. It just was what it was, and I think I was more curious than anything. I simply wanted to know more of the story.
In the thirty plus years since then, I continue to learn more and more of the story. Sometimes, I find that the new pieces of information I get contradict some of the points of the story I thought I new, and I realise I had either learned it incorrectly or remembered incorrectly. Regardless, it’s often like finding new twists and turns in a good book. It’s a fascinating story, and therefore, I don’t really mind if some of the details have a bit more fictional flair to them than the plain truth.
At the end of the day, none of these details really matter.
What matters most to me today, particularly when celebrating Harold’s 100th birthday, is what I feel I have learned from him and my role and the roles of others in this unfolding story.
Here are seven key wisdom points:
There’s always more than what you see. If you only see things at face value or from your first emotional response to something, you’re missing so much. You have to look deeper inside yourself and others and situations. You may not like what you see, but isn’t it better to have more knowledge than not?
It’s important to ask questions versus making judgements. It’s so easy to judge and it generally hurts you and others when you do it. Judgements are also often made because we haven’t bothered to find out how someone else views or feels about a situation. Therefore, don’t judge. Instead, explore. This has helped me tremendously and I’m far more curious about life than I think I would have been.
It’s OK that people don’t agree. It’s how they behave in those moments. Everyone has their own views, their own way of interpreting their story. That’s OK. Simply share, inquire, explore with respect. Find what and how others think as something fascinating. Let go of the “topic” and discover more of the “process”.
Being authentic is liberating. Being honest with yourself and with others is one of the most incredible feelings and experiences imaginable. You may not feel at peace with what you discover at first, and yet it eventually feels better than a lie. Others, although also potentially uncomfortable at first, will be grateful that you allowed them to see the real you.
No one can tell me what my story should be. I do not feel abandoned. At numerous points in my life, various people hearing my story have jumped straight to some conclusion that I was abandoned and therefore should feel distress because of that. That’s someone else’s story, not mine. I have the ability to choose to view my story from whatever perspective I want and I choose to view mine with a healthy combination of realism, logic, emotion and ultimately, wisdom. I was and am loved, and the decisions people made that have impacted me, were largely made from love. I’m so totally OK with this.
Demonstrate critical thinking as well as your emotional intelligence. Be grateful. Although some people have tried to teach me “what” to think, my exploration of my lifelong story with Harold, is that I’ve taught myself “how” to think. I have learned to ask questions, listen well, and demonstrate respect…not just in others, but also for myself. I love to learn about myself as much as I love to learn about others. I thrill in using what I learn to be better. And I eventually arrived at a place where I truly understood the value of loving the person I am today, not just in theory, but in practice by honouring my needs as well. I’m grateful for every single moment of my life, the good and the bad, because of the abilities I’ve developed over time to process those experiences in a constructive way.
Of course, Harold didn’t directly teach me most of these, but the story in which my life unfolded, and my own curiosity and paying attention, and all my experiences up to my current 46 years, I can easily reflect back on my life with Harold and see his influence here.
There is one very big lesson Harold specifically taught me and reinforced repeatedly; to put in all the effort I could to be the best I can be, in my studies, my career, and also as a person. He certainly struggled with various demons in his life, as I think we all do. He had many successes as well as his fair share of failures, as have I.
The last time I saw him (over 25 years ago, a year or so before he died), he shared a lot of his personal story with me, which I won’t share here. What I will say is that he really opened up to me about what he learned about himself from his own story. He encouraged me to do the same.
I will always remember that night, and the strongest bond we ever achieved, and how grateful I am for him being in my life. I am a better person today than I was yesterday, last year, and better than who I was decades ago. The power of reflection, making new choices, and behaving differently is something I learned from him. It is also now the cornerstone of what I do for my career, and I teach others to do the same.
So what he taught me has greatly influenced how I’m of service to others.
I know he would be proud.
Thank you Dad, and Happy 100th Birthday!
