#nomoremarijuana

[nomoremaryjane-blog]

day 5!

i woke up with a massive, splitting headache after a night of the TRIPPIEST and scariest dreams about little demon kids. i think this is more due to the kava kava & mugwort tea i drank while reading a whacked-out novel before bed than anything else. I took an excedin & all is well, though they make me sweat and a little jumpy. looking forward to the weekend, dinner & a mini celebration / a glass of wine (I’m not getting crunk) at one of my fave cozy spots with my amazing/loving friend tonight, spending time with my guy (and not getting into a tiff caused by my personal issues/oversensitivity), dressing up for a fancy event, exercising together & eating well, working on creative items as well as freelance work, deep cleaning my place, and not taking a single toke to “get through” the unavoidable stress that comes with everyday living / “rewarding” myself for simply being a decent person and greeting the world with the best version of myself. I feel good about my progress, ability to stay away from scraping the res out of my pipe, more securely positioned within myself, and thus happier & more present to the current moment. I will do a 1-week wrap-up on Sunday to re-visit my list of “reasons why I’m quitting” & see if I’ve gotten anywhere with improving my life / self-esteem / meeting those goals that I blame weed for neglecting. I don’t miss the feeling of being high at all. But I know STILL that if it’s in front of me, I will take it to the face. I might have my first challenge with that on Sunday, but I will also have supporters in the crowd & feel confident that if I stay out of the room, I’ll be ok & not bust in the door like the kool-aid man. Update tomorrow. <3

[nomoremaryjane-blog]

reasons i’m abstaining from smoking weed:

-laziness: -not cleaning up after myself; apartment gets really messy; items get broken or lost -not exercising; body/mind feels unhealthy; don't look as good as i would like to -not actively working on my creative pursuits / or working on transitioning into being "my own boss" -not a great partner to my boyfriend; not at my best -too sleepy all the time / unable to focus / very low motivation

-confusion: -general life directional confusion -confusion about my boyfriend’s intentions / angry and confused/circular arguments -eating too much / munchies

-covering up my emotional issues & problems with smoking rather than addressing them -"needing" weed to "balance out" -using it as a reward system, rather than putting in the effort to achieve great things, which are their own reward

-dreams are more interesting and vivid / informative when i haven’t been using <this list isn't exhaustive or complete / it's a start>

basically i think that using weed dumbs me down. i feel like i'm missing out on life / walking around in a haze. it didn't used to be this way AT ALL. years ago, smoking seemed to unleash creative energy, encourage my focus and flow of intelligent thoughts, foster connections between separate ideas... it isn't that way anymore. i'm hoping that taking it one day at a time and writing out my thoughts/feelings as i go through this process will be helpful. i've quit countless times in the past, for as much as a month at a time. going back to weed after these breaks has been frustrating, so... here i am.