Kissing Marijuana Goodbye
I’ve been meaning to quit weed for a while. A decade at least. But not really. I’ve meant to smoke less, to take breaks, to moderate my using, all the while knowing deep down that I am an addict through and through and can find a way to make even weed super destructive. And the level of weed. The slow journey to quit began, oddly enough, when I got my medical marijuana license. It felt just like my wedding was supposed to. But within a week, as I drove all over LA going for the free gift at each different dispensary like a good Jewish pothead, as I went to AA meetings and picked up a new girl with my car reeking, as I was 40 minutes late to meet MY FAVORITE COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD, as I spent thousands on top of my free gifts, remembering how I desperately procured weed last year from more than once source in Thailand even though they were in a state of unrest and their King had died two days earlier and it was a crime punishable by 30 years in prison (North Korea kid anyone), as I watch myself lose my train of thought on stage over and over and be unable to do the thing I’ve always wanted - focus on writing projects enough to see them through, enough to write a book.
Well, that's when it started to feel like my marriage. Just because the government says it's valid doesn't mean it's working. It is not because of all the shitstorm of the accusations from still anon. It’s because I know that I could have and would have responded with dignity and grace, instead of reacting from fear and shame.
It’s time to leave the nursery, in all the ways. I used to figure out who my friends would be based on who smoked weed. But those heavy potheads now? Are emotional toddlers who don’t get enough accomplished and aren’t living anywhere near their true potential. Just like me. During my non drinking periods my life gets so much better, but still all that stuff above, still weed ran my life and kept me struggling to move forward. And somehow always led me back. It isn’t that way for everyone, I know.
I’m not saying weed is bad. I’m saying it no longer serves me. I’m saying, now when I walk into recovery groups I will feel and know that I’m not hiding something.
I belong. I belong to this group of people who are drunks and addicts and decided they want more from their life.
Alcohol was my self destruct button. Cocaine if I was really wanting to feel suicidal for a week. Weed? All about the fantasy of functionality.
I actually thought about this post as I wrote it. Day one. Also, I’ve known for a long time that I have clairsentience, clairvoyance, and a whole other host of abilities (all of us have, some just honed more) that i KILL with drugs, that come through at the strangest of times. Weed kills that shit even tho people think it improves it. It kills the dreaming mechanism. Which means tonight these things ARE GONNA BE LIT.
After I got over the weirds of not being able to smoke myself into passing out, I took a bath. I wrote this post. I’m gonna read a bit more of The Bloggess’ first memoir before I go to bed. I’m going to keep a notebook by the bed for the wild dreams that come with stopping pot. I’ve had them before. But never like this.
Soaking in a bath with heart chakra oil and epsom salts and candles and rose quartz then writing a post then reading then bed? Kindof not a bad life. It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet and I feel so much more alive.
Far cry from February, when I celebrated 60 days “sobriety” with a bowl of the highest grade weed in existence covered in hash oil, wax, and kief. To sobriety! I said as I sparked it. And inside, a part of me that I am finally giving a voice now, felt like a complete fraud.
That’s over. For a long time I’ve been putting on what one might call a “bad show” to protect myself and because that’s the only thing that got me any attention in childhood. Not my real probs, those went ignored, my bad show probs bc that’s what my narc mom needed to feel important. She did her best. Being a pothead is not my best. I have never healed these parts of myself because of my own fears and attachments to chemicals. That is on me and me alone.
It’s time to learn how to be me. I’m so excited. I’m so scared. I’m glad the small group of you that I follow that also follow me are out there. It’s been nice to reconnect to it all. It’s nice to reconnect to humanity.
It’s nice. Goodnight. I love you all. Some of you extra.
