The power of "We"
A divided world…
We’re too focussed on how we’re different from other people. So much in this world is designed to segregate, to put people into convenient boxes, to highlight some peripheral or superficial characteristic we have that sets us apart. So often we talk about “Them”, “Those people”, some group or other. Hell, even by saying “People”, I start thinking of myself as an agent acting independently from the rest of the world.
That separation may appear unimportant, but it’s been such a huge part of my life that it’s taken me the best part of thirty years to start to feel included in the world outside my door. I’m not saying in any way that language is responsible, but language reflects the way we think, the way we act, and possibly, over time, the way we behave. I don’t want to be in a world of “Us”, “Them”, “Those people”, I want to be connected, I want it all to be “We”.
A large part of being human is ape-like….
Human beings share a common ancestor with apes, which is why we are so genetically similar. Of course we are intellectually more developed (well, most of us), but we still have major physiological features (including in our brains) in common.
The most fundamental, which we seem to have forgotten in our technologically-advanced age is that we are social animals. For millions of years we’ve lived in social groups; our whole existence has revolved around it – scientists suggest that language developed from grooming, which served a huge social function in groups (and still does in ape species).
Yes, we’re supposed to be highly evolved, blah blah blah, and I know that we have been able to progress at a faster rate than naturally through evolution. However, a lot of our physical make-up is still stuck in a time before technology, bloody hell, before walls, and doors, and locks, and before we even started to try to consciously divide ourselves into this group or that.
Now, I’m not advocating some giant hippy commune where we all sit around grooming each other and practising free love (baby!!), but for the sake of our mental well-being we need to start looking around us and seeing “We” instead of “Them”.
Evidence that we need each other….
Have you ever felt alone? Of course you have. It’s a fundamental human experience, and you’ll feel it at all ages; from being a small child and not being able to see where your parent is, to being a teenager who nobody understands, to losing people we love, to finding we are old and perhaps don’t feel we have a purpose anymore.
That experience, that FEELING is not a fact, is not a concrete thing you can see or touch, it’s not actually a reflection of reality at all; that child’s parent is probably just out of sight and will return, teenagers meet other teenagers who feel the same way, older people will find a way to live their new life without the job, or family to run around after. With time, the feeling of being alone passes, it is transitory, our feelings around the situation change.
Yet that FEELING feels so earth-shattering, it can dominate our thoughts, it can dictate how and even if we live our lives. That’s because that FEELING that we have is based on physiological, biochemical and psychological responses; chemicals released in our bodies can change our moods, our motivations, even our cognitive functioning.
Evolutionary biologists will tell you that this is because they serve a purpose, they motivate us to survive – and how do we survive? By being together. So perhaps that feeling of being alone is a survival mechanism; our own bodies shouting at us to seek the company of others.
Ask yourself, when you felt lonely, how did you overcome that feeling? I bet you the answer involved another human being. We NEED each other. As much as we don’t want to admit it, it’s how we were made, and it’s who we still are at a genetic, physiological, biological, and to an extent, psychological level.
The reason I’ve been thinking about this….
So, what is the purpose of this rant? It’s not aimless, I’m not just venting. It came out of my watching a BBC TV programme, “Growing Up Gay”, fronted by the lead singer of Years & Years, Olly. It’s about his struggles as a gay man, but as a gay man who continually battles with mental health problems.
Do you notice how by saying he’s a gay man tends to put him in a category straight away, and having mental health problems is another one? Already those categories sound like barriers and you start to think about certain characteristics he might have. It’s not your fault, our cognitive systems aim to simplify the world logically in order for it to be easier for us to process and make sense of. The good news is, if we know about this, we can try to make an effort to over-ride it; look into your heart and see the person behind it all.
What my heart saw….
Olly is a gorgeous, funny, joyful, life-loving soul who wears his heart on his sleeve, loves to dance, and clearly bonds with others on a deep, emotional level. He’s still battling his own demons, but instead of focussing on that, he is more upset by the plight of other gay people who have suffered prejudice, experienced eating disorders, and are going through their own mental health problems.
Olly was bullied at school, from the age of 9 to around the age of 15; he’s now 27. Think, for a minute, about the proportion of his life Olly has spent living in fear, feeling self-loathing, disgust, feeling alone, doubting his own value. The actual bullying carried on for around 6 years, which is pretty severe, but how many years has he been suffering the legacy of that bullying? Will he ALWAYS have to fight for his sanity and fight to feel comfortable in his own skin?
I’m not saying that life would have been rosy without those bullies, many mental health conditions have at least a partially genetic basis. What I am saying, is that his so-called peers could have protected him more, and so served to make his battles less damaging psychologically.
What can we do?
I don’t want to seem like the kind of person who spends their time feeling angry at the world, who scolds people for not being a certain way and tries to brow-beat people into being some kind of ideal. That’s not me.
I do, however, ask that you start to NOTICE more. Notice if you realise someone else is in distress, ask yourself what you would want if you were in distress. And KNOW. Know that we need each other, know that we are social and sociable creatures, know that treating everyone else as “Other” can isolate us.
This is for own our good as well as every other human being on this planet, because, guess what? You feel better when you help another person too. You will, most likely, experience the effects of a wonderful, bonding chemical called Oxytocin. It’s released by your own body, in social bonding situations, during sex, following the birth of a child, and when we spend time with people we feel attached to. That chemical is a miraculous thing, and scientists are even starting to suggest that it has a protective effect on our immune system – so bonding with others really can affect your health and your survival!!
The take-home message….
The thing I want to end on is the way in which Olly concluded his programme. This young man, who spent a fair part of the programme clearly upset, who is still battling inner turmoil, who is still re-living his difficult life-experiences by talking to others about theirs, is truly amazing.
His message is simple; whoever you are, whatever you are, you deserve to be loved, and you deserve to be happy. Stop and think about that. For all the negativity he has absorbed from other people who have treated him with callousness and hate, he only wants to project a message of love and acceptance.
That is astounding, miraculous, and wonderful. Also, is that not the epitome of a social creature? Emphasising togetherness, oneness, attachment, similarity, the bonds that we all share. That just shows how strong the instinct is in us to look after and love each other, it can defy hate, prejudice, segregation, illness, and even trauma. Hold on to that, keep it close to you. I believe it is the universal truth.
In this age of individualistic values, where we seek to put more and more distance between us, don’t forget who we are. If you can absorb that knowledge into the way you think and let it define how you interact with others, and enough of us see the light, perhaps we will all receive the love we deserve. Perhaps we will all be happier and healthier for it.