#non sjm

[snelbz]

Hi, friends.

A little life update for y’all.

I feel like I should explain my absence and the lack of updates recently. Those of you who have followed me for a while know that I have a son. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I posted baby updates right alongside fic updates, and I was posting all the time. I figured when I had my baby, I’d be exhausted and would probably need a short break, but I’d get in the groove of motherhood and bounce back. And I did. For a while, at least.

At almost two-years-old, my son is completely non-verbal. When he was a baby, he was hitting every milestone, checking every box at his monthly check ups, and had really started trying to speak around nine months. In one day, he said five new words. And the next day, he stopped. And he’s never started again.

When he was fifteen-months-old, my son was diagnosed with non-verbal autism and ever since, life has gotten very busy very quickly. We’ve recently started him in multiple therapies as well as entered the early intervention system in our state, and unfortunately, this takes up a lot of my spare time. I still work full-time and my husband travels for a living, so most of the time, I’m on my own and in what I call “single mom” mode. By the time I get my son to bed, I’m not far behind him.

Please bear with me as I wait for life to settle and my world to calm down a little. I have every intention of returning to my works-in-progress at some point, and am even planning to read through TDDUP soon to try and trigger some creativity into waking up. I’m also working on something brand new with Tara that we’re both so excited for.

So please forgive me for going MIA. Life has been kicking my ass recently and given me little chance to come up for air. But no matter how hard things get, everything I do, I do for this little man. His journey with autism has already taught me a lot, but I know I still have so much to learn.

[theladyofdeath]

Sometimes I think about Jamie Fraser and cry a little out of pure addiction.

[starcrossed-wildfire]

FIRST OF ALL

THE BLUES WON THE STANLEY CUP. SO JOT THAT DOWN

[sarah-bae-maas]

Important question

You know when guys randomly find girls on Instagram and hit on them when they literally have no idea who they are??

Does that ever actually work?? Like does it ever come across as something other than creepy?? I need the answers because I just don’t know why they do it I’m just so confused

[snelbz]

Postpartum depression isn’t just being sad in the middle of the night because you’re exhausted, because your baby hasn’t slept for more than two hours straight in over three months. It isn’t just feeling overwhelmed by the dirty bottles and all of the laundry and making sure the rest of your family is taken care of, before yourself. It isn’t skipping meals because you aren’t hungry and need to feed the baby, then binging on the first thing you get your hands on after everyone has gone to bed and you have a few spare minutes for yourself. And it isn’t just being tired even though you just woke up, because no matter how long you sleep, it’ll never be enough.

Postpartum depression is sitting at your desk on your 28th birthday, crying your eyes out for absolutely no reason, except that you’re sad and you don’t know why, but you just can’t seem to stop. It’s knowing you’re numb and empty, but no amount of tears, words, or hugs will fill that. It’s not being able to find the joy in the things that you used to love. It’s your body revolting against you, trying remember how to reorient itself after the traumatic, life-changing event it went through. It’s existing, even if that’s all you can muster, because you love that tiny little person you created so much, but struggling to remember how to love yourself.

Today is my birthday, and I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much. I have no reason to. I have an amazing husband, a loving family, and the best job I could ever dream of, but today, I am so deeply and profoundly sad for no reason. That’s PPD.

I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember. My head has never been a safe place for me to be. I’ve talked about it occasionally, but I have never struggled as badly as I have since having Lane. I love him so much and he’s my entire world, but postpartum depression is hard. It’s hard and it’s ugly and it hits you at the worst times that it can. But because I love that tiny human and I love my husband, I try to remember to love myself. Some days, that’s a lot harder than others, but I have to remind myself that I’m worthy of that love.

I know so many women that recently became mothers, just like I did. No one warned me about how bad PPD could be, about how horribly it can affect every aspect of your life. I figured it’d be fine, since I was already used to my “normal depression”. I was wrong. Don’t be afraid to reach out for resources from your OB or just to talk to your family or even me. I don’t want anyone to feel as hopeless as I have, suffering from PPD in silence.

This is my birthday gift to myself. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. So if I can do anything for anyone on my friends list who is suffering, too, let me know. Send me a message.

You are not alone.

[snelbz]

Wait wait wait. Mom, are you pregnant??

[snelbz]

It’s been 27 days since I’ve worn make up (save for powder and brows) and I’m debating on whether or not I ever should again. Lmao.

[snelbz]

For those who don’t know, I’m currently stuck in my house waiting for covid results. I’m considered an “essential employee”, so I’m going absolutely stir crazy.

In the mean time, I’m pouring my heart and soul into Animal Crossing!

If you play and have any SJM themed designs, please send me your creator code! I’m dedicating an entire section of my island to my love of books!

And if you don’t have designs, that’s fine, too! Let’s visit each other!