#non ttc

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I made masks and button head bands today for work since my “2 week supply” they delivered today only had 4 masks in it 🙃

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One of my favorite things about my dog is that she ADORES clothes.

She knows where we keep her wardrobe (two dresses, two sweaters and the newest addition: jammies!)

She’ll go off and, if she can reach them at the time, pick through for her favorite (a pink dress) and bring it to me to put on her. If I yell “let’s get dressed!” she does her happy prance and shoves her head in the hole.

It’s so cute.

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My husband isn’t an emotional person, and one that expresses emotions even less.

The murder of his best friend has forced him to face some emotions that he isn’t used to. So, we use the “ball on the button” analogy to talk about it.

Today, he got his final Christmas present: a set of professional cornhole boards. Yeah, I didn’t know professional cornhole was a thing either. W (J’s best friend) got him into cornhole heavy. That was their thing, they went to tournaments all the time together.

I know he just wants to play W on those boards, it’s probably his natural reaction. But he can’t. Today, he said to me

“The ball is very, very big. And it’s on the button hard.”

It breaks my heart so much.

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A paradox: getting two pink lines, but it still means negative (it’s a drug test, and negative means no THC)

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Bad news: I got a bullet journal

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We’re working overtime all week and I’m getting to bed hours after I usually do.

Hope he gets the point.

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We’re taking a hard step back from fertility, I’ll explain more in depth later if I feel like it.

Basically, I’m a massive control freak and always have been. I’ve had an exact idea for my life my whole life. It hasn’t always went well, but the majority of the time the things I’ve wanted have worked out, just not in the way I’ve wanted.

So I guess we’re... handing it to god? I don’t know, I’ve been trying to develop that relationship again. For a while. And I feel my heart pulling me in this direction, and I’ve already had some results. So we’ll see.

Anyway, I’ll still be around. Probably just lurking on people I’ve followed for YEARS now. Making relevant TTC posts when I think of them. And posting my usual personal things.

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My fucking feelings are hurt.

I’ve said it before, but I don’t have friends. I have people I talk to everyday, but they live over 8 hours away. I have no one to hang out with. I don’t go out. I’m alone a big majority of the time.

J is supposed to have balance. One weekend we hang out, one weekend he hangs out with his friends. Keeping in mind, he also goes out to a buddies house every night after work before I get off (he gets off at 11pm, I get off at 2am).

We didn’t do anything for my 21st birthday. He went out and hung out with his buddies. We didn’t do anything for our 2 year wedding anniversary, he went and hung out with his buddies. Even the weekends that are supposed to just be me and him, he goes out with his buddies.

And it hurts, and I tell him it hurts and he apologizes and says it won’t happen again and what happens the next weekend? It happens again. I’m trying to make friends to have things to do with, but even that won’t stop it from hurting that he does things with his friends over important things with me like my birthday and our wedding anniversary.