Corn Teen is wreaking havoc on me. I repeat: I AM NOT OKAY. I'm not sleeping at night, I can't go anywhere, and I've given up on school work because I just can't do this shit anymore. Because of the chaos, I've been forgetting to take my meds, which is obviously making everything worse.
I've been off my meds for a few weeks now and I have noticed the following (TRIGGER WARNING, I AM NOT KIND TO MYSELF OR OTHERS RN SO BE PREPARED FOR SOME BAD SELF-TALK):
- Hypomanic and Depressive episodes are back but like, worse than before (probably because of the whole social isolation thing and the other added stressors). I always shower every second day, rarely going up to 3 days without a shower. Lately I shower once a week, regardless of how I smell or how greasy I am. The apathy and executive dysfunction are real and I am not okay. And the swinging back and forth has me up for over 24 hours straight, asleep for 12+ hours straight, rinse and repeat. This is obviously not productive to family life.
- Hyperarousal! I'm suddenly so afraid of the dark again I have to sleep with the lights on, even if my dog is with me. It's like if I turn the lights off, the creature from (Guillermo del Toro's?) The Labyrinth with eye sockets in its hands or the girl from The Grudge are going to come plopping and swaying out of the darkness and grant me a slow and extremely painful death. If I hear any kind of sound my squirrel brain has my heart pumping fast enough to explode, and I am ready to scream, to throw shit, to run away, and to bite and otherwise destroy anything that should get in my way. These panic episodes aren't great when your child walks in after having a bad dream and when you hear "Mommy" in the dark your first reaction is a blood-curdling scream cause then you have to soothe yourself real quick and then soothe the poor child you just forced some extra trauma on. Luckily, snuggles help both. Still not okay.
- Zero chill and zero tolerance for any additional minor inconveniences. Someone other than my offspring comes into my suite? Time to commit a felony. My offspring doesn't do essential things like wash hands and brush teeth when I ask the first time? Sorry but you're an orphan now, please refer to GG and Papa for anything further. Someone has the AUDACITY to CALL me on MY PHONE??? Get the fuck off of my planet you extraterrestrial shitbag. I burned the cookies?? I'm a useless bitch and deserve nothing but misery and death for wasting resources and having nothing more to contribute to society; I can't even parent right and if this was medieval times I would be burnt at the stake and if this was pre-contact maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up or maybe I'd be ostracised for being such a dumb angry cunt with no regard for other peoples feelings because mine are too much for me and I'm a danger to my relatives.
-Memory and concentration are worse. I grew up English-French Bilingual, and when smeone asked me to say Apple Pie in French I said Potato. (Tarte a pommes -> Pomme de Terre?? Close but WRONG). We put the last batch of cookies in the oven and Offspring said she was hungry so I fed her and forgot about the cookies which consequentially burned, (then I felt like the first few stanzas of Frozen II's The Next Right Thing and had to cry in my room for a bit while she was eating with the rest of the family, but that's on Zero Chill ^^). I can't even remember to bring my Animal Crossing villagers a piece of fruit that grows in my own village and when I go to talk to them I don't even remember them asking me for things so I have to select 'what was that?'. I feel demented.
- I am so sore all of the time, and more than usual. Related fact: my meds are also used by some people for nerve pain so I guess that's a thing? Maybe I just never realized how much pain I was in before I started taking them, maybe my new bad habits are aggravating my poor abused and neglected body, maybe both?? Should I do some yoga? Probably. Do I want to? Honestly, yeah, I love Yoga, bring on the stretches. Am I going to? Not unless I'm getting real life interaction with a certified instructor because only social interaction with someone I respect and/or am infatuated with trumps executive dysfunction. So nope lol.
Uhh idk what else. But yeah, that's that on non-adherence as it relates to me and whatever I'm (supposed to be) on, Cymbalta? Idk I've been on a lot of different meds and I always fall into the non-adherence pit of despair because they stop working or I just stop taking them for stupid reasons and I can't even force myself to take them again because my executive dysfunction has an attitude and I'm naturally self-destructive and compulsively want to punish my family at the same time for what I've percieved as a shitty upbringing. I'm sorry, I don't make the rules, and if I do I don't fucking follow them 🤷♀️
