cw abuse mention, transphobia
i took my first dose of testosterone injections yesterday. I did it myself, even. something i never thought I'd be able to do. something I used to say I'd rather die than do because I was so terrified of needles. i fucking injected myself w boy juice. that's huge. that's so big for me. i can't believe I actually did it. it wasn't even as bad as I was expecting. it was really nothing. when I was a baby trans I was so convinced that if I couldn't do gel or patches I'd just never be on T, and that's something that really scared me and made me feel sad and doomed. but I worked through it. and now I'm gonna be giving myself injections every week. i can't express how big that is. that shows huge growth and is a big accomplishment. i feel like crying. I'm beside myself with joy and excitement. excitement for this. what the future holds. how I'll look. who I'll be. i can't wait to meet him. to become him. i think things are gonna look up for me, maybe.
I don't talk about it in a lot of detail but I really, really struggle with internalized transphobia. it's so hard for me in so many ways. I beat myself up and tear myself down, scare myself, invalidate myself, tell myself some awful things, and just generally feel unbelievably bad about myself. my mom was so abusive to me and really made me think these things, on top of some folks on Tumblr being absolute garbage to me and making me feel bad too back in the day. not to mention "friends". the voice in my head that mimicks the harm others has done to me is so loud. so loud that it often drowns out the good that people say. the positives. the positivity I feel about myself, even. it's always overshadowed by my negativity and self hatred. but I'm really trying to be better.
i need to come to terms with this is who I am. i... am a dude. just a genderfluid dude. that's me. I'm just some guy. and that's ok. it's ok for me to be a dude guy. I cant keep trying to run from it and invalidate myself back into the closet. i can't keep shaming myself for positive growth towards my transition. i can't keep hating myself like I do. i want to accept myself and love myself and feel good about myself. i want to at least like myself. I'm trying. that's the most I can do for now. even if it's hard.
anyway after my appointment my partner and I walked to the video game store and checked out some stuff. they had a Squirtle plush and he got it for me. Squirtle, in my humble opinion, is a trans masc icon. idk. can't explain it. he just is. and so I'm rly stoked that he got it for me. he is my little trans son and I love him. also after the video game store, we went to the cute dessert diner we go to sometimes and I got a piece of cake (the same kind I had on Monday 😳 so fuckin good) and a hot chocolate. it was so nice.
yesterday was a good day. very important. very big. very healing.
