When too much of a good thing goes wrong
Here’s the thing about eating disorders. They’re not about vanity. They’re not something you can switch on and off. They’re not a choice. Eating disorders are complicated and sneaky and abusive. They brainwash you. They possess you until you literally feel like you need an exorcism to be freed. It’s difficult to explain, but if you’ve tried unraveling yourself from an eating disorder – you get it.
In many ways, I’m “recovered.” It’s taken 6 years, but I don’t track calories or grams or macronutrients. I eat from all the food groups. I can go out to eat or to someone’s house and not obsess over what’s in the food. I’m at a healthy weight.
But the balance - that fine line between being healthy and becoming obsessed - is still challenging. Finding the gray in a brain that, by default, goes black or white, takes a lot of practice and patience. Every single day. And for me, I think this may always be a challenge.
What started as a genuine attempt to clean up my diet and move a little more became the only thing that mattered in my life – because, in my mind, my value as a human being depended on it. My life depended on it. What began as an innocent interest in healthy living quickly spiraled into anorexia and the lesser-known orthorexia.
Orthorexia hasn’t yet been officially recognized on the eating disorder spectrum as a clinical diagnosis - but if it was, I had it. According to NEDA, “Those who have an ‘unhealthy obsession’ with otherwise healthy eating may be suffering from 'orthorexia nervosa,’ a term which literally means 'fixation on righteous eating.’”
And there it is. An attempt to control my life and anxiety through restrictive, healthy eating had quickly become an “unhealthy obsession.” It was a “fixation” that became a live-or-die-trying process I’d start over every single morning. My thoughts were consumed with removing as much as I possibly could, seeking virtue in what I did allow myself to eat, and moving my body as much as possible; as if I was being chased. And in a way, I was.
Too much of a good thing can, in fact, be deadly.
It’s been a very long, very slow journey to balance. A big part of this, I think, is because there is such a correlation between food and weight and worthiness in our social conscious. We don’t live in a world that supports eating disorder recovery. Rather, most of our every day messages tell us that we should be eating less, that food is either “good” or “bad,” and that it’s best to err on the thin side.
Taking care of our bodies is important, yes, but it’s just as important to give ourselves a break. Creating healthy habits are about feeling good. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - they should enlighten and empower us. Not strip us of our joy and brainwash us of our identity. Not tell us that no matter what we do, we’ll never be enough. The key, I’ve found, is that when I set goals and intentions, when I work to break a habit or institute a positive change – I remind myself that I already am.
