#not a diary

[lordmemelrond]

To Whomever Has Stolen My Personal Journal

I hope those poems bring you much joy, but please do return it. There is still room to write yet.

[porcelain-engine]

{ my face is flushed } { I end up feeling for some reason like my book is terrible } { if I were alone at 3am and u showed up on my doorstep i would be so happy } { I walked 3 miles } { I barely remember walking those 3 miles } { oh the modern satisfaction of eliminating letters and punctuation: ur w/ u tho wat } { the modern ambiguity and anxiety over the lack of certain letters and punctuation: does "u" make me less important than "you." U not ending ur sentences with any punctuation: what do u mean? Does the space, the nothingness at the end of sentence mean our conversation is infinitely open ended? What a tone are u taking w/ me } { I've no been to most countries. I am woefully under-traveled and under-educated. I am certain I am being judged for that } { I've always been good at rich ppl. I have been a curiosity at a few parties. A bright haired and witty surprise of a young woman. My glasses of wine filled to infinity } { adopt me } { I am fine company when u don't know me } { This feeling in my body. I don't know what it is But It feels good it makes me late for things }

[gentlecompany]

some things are easier to sit beside than explain.

sketches that never become anything. songs that don’t ask questions. people who make the room feel less loud without trying.

this blog is for that kind of company.

[sorryimamagpie]

Winter truly is my least healthy season I haven’t had consistent water intake for months I’m dehydrated and battling my caffeine addiction cuz coffee and energy drinks are pretty much the only liquids that go into my body. I pass out or nearly pass out every other week due to vitamin deficiency and my diet consists of I’m not sure actually I just put food in my mouth when given to me. I don’t go outside either which does not help it honestly makes everything worse. My energy is at an all time low along with my motivation. What sucks is that I can’t sleep at night and I’m too busy to nap during the day so I’m just generally exhausted. I try to follow the whole “if you hate A,B,or C you should eat sleep or shower” and usually I’ve been able to at least keep up with showering and other hygiene practices but sometimes even that feels impossible. It’s like I’m constantly below 50% yk? 35% 40% on a good day but other days I “wake up” at 15% and I know realistically I’m at 40% just to function properly but I’ve been learning to accept that the world isn’t built for people at <40% and that’s fine because I’m not built for a world constantly at 100% so no one gets what they want and that makes me feel a little better about life. I’m not going to waste energy to accommodate people when I can barely function without always being on the edge of panic I’ll be civil and polite but I’m not going to go out of my way to do “nice things” for people.

Wow this feels good to type out

[esatheloud]

Day 7 of learning how to stop emotional eating:

What I ate/want to eat:

Anything

What happened to upset me:

I had a stressful day at work

My coworker is incompetent

I'm meeting a guy, I'm not interested in to not be lonely tonight.

How I felt before I ate:

so MUCH anger

I'm disgusted by myself

self-hate

sad

exhausted

lonely

desolate

What I felt as I was eating & How I felt afterward:

n/a; I let it pass and am crying.

[esatheloud]

Day 2 of learning how to stop emotional eating:

What I ate/want to eat:

Something with choclate

What happened to upset me:

I fucked something up on my computer.

How I felt before I ate:

disappointment

anger

stress

What I felt as I was eating & How I felt afterward:

n/a; I let it pass and had a cup of tea instead.

[anthraquinone]

Idk what’s going on with my life... I started talking to this boy from my grade who i couldn’t stand for most of the past years but now he seems really nice and I’m confused.