it's not like im sad right now. i just lost the ability to be happy these days when im not in someone elses company. and i wonder am i actually happy or am i faking it? never sure. i think the brain switches moods really fast (i blame it in the abusive household growing up) but anyway.
it just feels like im missing teeth and my tongue finds the vacancy odd. they're scattered somewhere. it doesn't hurt but i can't smile.
Its like 12am and my parents just came into my room asking for my hair accessories and now they are having a mini fashion show, just the two of them, laughing like crazy hard. And damn, I wanna find an SO that I can laugh like that with too.
Decided to do a little warm-up again today and cemites decided that it should be not-fandom stuff sooo yup (I mean I guess you can interpret some fandom stuff into it, there’s no names). Have some fictional rambling.
She's never liked graveyards. They were dark and depressing.
She pondered this as she sat in the back of the car, her elbow rested beside the window, her head propped up on her hand. She watched trees and street signs pass by and let out an audible sigh.
“Don't be so difficult.” She heard her mother say from the front. From the corner of her eye she could see her look over her shoulder to examine her daughter. “You haven't been to his grave in years. You need to pay him some respect.” And with that she turned back to face the windshield.
That was stupid. It was not as if she never thought about him. She had photos of him littered around her desk, a stub of a candle beside them. And every now and then she would just stare at one of those pictures. Her mouth would turn into a small, sad smile as she remembered him with fondness and permitted herself to relive some of the moments that they had shared.
The car slowed down and came to a stop inside the parking lot. She looked over at the big gates that separated her from the land of the dead. A fence and gate of white painted bars surrounded the place. But about half of the paint was already peeling off, revealing the metal surface. It used to be black, she recalled. Maybe they had thought that black was too much like a cemetery, she joked in her head.
Before she could find any more thoughts on her mind the door on her side was opened. She pulled her elbow back just in time and looked up at her mother. The woman's painted lips here twisted into a frown. Her eyes were narrowed, pulling her plucked eyebrows together while her arms were crossed in front of her chest. “Get out. We don't want to stay here forever.”
'Why not, the people in there are doing just that.' She thought to herself and then praised herself for that witty comeback. But she would never say that out loud to the devil of a woman in front of her. “Fine.” The girl muttered and she removed her safety belt and slid out of the car, passing her mother. She heard the door being shut with a loud noise behind her and she took a breath as she stood up straight.
She followed her mother to the gates which were open at the time. Her parent didn't realize that she remained outside for a few moments, just looking at her feet. This was it. The threshold to death and eternity. She took another deep breath and stepped inside.
“Don't dilly-dally!” Her mother chastised so she picked up the speed to catch up to her.
She looked around. There were old willow trees standing beside the fence. Underneath their leaves the beds of the dead. The girl sneered. This place was a can and the corpses were the sardines, nothing else.
And yet, she could feel her mood changing. She pried onto the gravestones of strangers to count the years that their life had lasted and every once in a while she would cringe at the small amount of time some of them got to spend on this earth. And it seemed to her that the younger the individual beneath the dirt, the fancier the piece of rock that stood beside their grave. She turned her gaze away. They were resting in peace. She didn't want to disturb their spirits. She only looked at the various flower arrangements that had been put on the graves, like offerings to lost loved ones. Some were bright and colorful, as if someone had attempted to catch life itself in flora and return it to the one beneath. Others were broken and wilted. Forgotten.
For a moment she believed she could smell the dead and she put her hand in front of her nose and mouth as every muscle in her body tensed up. She felt sick. This place was no good. Her mother urged her yet again to keep walking.
She saw two people beside a grave, pulling weeds off the ground around the stone. A bit further away was a girl, maybe a few years older than herself, on her knees and crying into her hands, violent sobs shaking her form.
She removed her hand from her nose and took a deep breath, but it was as if her lungs did not want to inflate anymore. Breathing became harder and harder the further they ventured into the park of corpses. Her mother did not seem to have any troubles. As she looked over at to crows observing them from the branch of a willow tree, she realized that it felt as if all sound was gone. Every noise was quiet and dull, as if someone was holding her head under water. Underwater. Falling into the abyss of the ocean, into the unknown, weightless and yet steadily descending. That was how she felt as she looked between graves and flowers, trees and those who were left behind.
She did not want to go any further. This place was bad for her. A memory bubbled up. Years in the past, she saw herself, a little child, clad in black, walking by her mother's hand. Her face in shock and disbelief while her mother pressed a tissue to her eyes again and again. The girl could not comprehend the situation. What were they doing, why was this happening? Who were all those people following them, moving as one. She could only catch glimpses of what the six men in the front were carrying. The box. The coffin. She understood, of course. But she knew that it had to be fake. A fake coffin, a fake corpse. He was not in there. He couldn't be.
“Keep moving, we don't have all day.” Her mother's voice tore her back into reality, although it was quiet and her senses were numb.
“Yes, sorry.” She replied and hurried once more. She sobbed. That's strange, when had she started to cry? She wiped her face with her sleeve quickly.
It only took a few more steps before they stopped walking. The girl almost gasped as her head reached the surface of the ocean again. Suddenly it was all far too real. As she pondered, as she considered, that his dead body was below this earth. That they had brought him here and buried him here after his life had been taken from him. Both of them stared at the grave. The stone was a brownish-grey color, nothing special, and the letters and numbers engraved were white. Above him, above their lost one, were flowers. Violets. Her mother had pointed out that they had been his favorite.
She didn't realize at first how her mother's arm wrapped itself around her shoulders. Only when she was pulled in close did she notice it.
Maybe he was there, she thought. Maybe he was there, looking at them now. Looking at how miserable they were. Pathetic, he would say and laugh before ruffling her hair.
He had loved to pat and ruffle her hair despite her disliking it so much. He had done it that night, too. “I'll be home late, so don't wait up.” He had said as he had looked down at her with a kind smile and a warm gaze. But she had not listened. She had loved him so much, she had stayed up through the entire night. So she had also been awake when her parents had been woken up by a late-night phone call. She had peeked through the slightly open door of the living room when her mother had begun to shake and cry and her father had wrapped his arms around her, tears in his own eyes, at well.
“He can't be dead...” She suddenly muttered, as she recalled that night, her fear, her disbelief, her refusal to understand that this was it. The end.
“What?” Her mother looked down at her.
“He can't be dead!” She suddenly shouted and a few heads of other visitors turned. “My brother can't be dead!” Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she began to tremble. Before anyone could say anything else she turned around and ran toward the gate.
