#not fact!!!

[crymeariveronceagain]

If it’s okay, would you be willing to share your thoughts Kam? I know it’s not your preferred ship, but I’m curious about what you think about it, if you want to say.

mmmm I don't really like this ship, for a couple reasons, only one of which actually has any real heft to it, in my own mind

If you ship it, I mean, you do you, but it's very much not my jam

The main reason I don't like it is because I know for a fact that there are not enough good, wholesome, and supportive friendships between boys out there.

You get two girl bffs who are super close and love each other to death, and big groups of friends, and then you get boy bffs who are always fighting or are jerks to each other.

But there's not any like... good strong friendships not strained by adoration of a girl, not strained by unnecessary rivalry or being toxic and stupid, between two guys. Like, I want two best friends who are boys who feel comfortable talking to each other about heavy stuff. I want two boy bffs who can call each other at midnight to tell each other jokes. I want that to exist, and I don't want romance to come in and suck it all up and say, almost, in an odd way, to every boy who has a best friend he can turn to like that, "Well, you must be in love with him, then."

I also hate that there's next to no just... wholesome, brotherly relationships that can be left alone and expanded on in a way that feels authentic without turning it into a ship. I can think of a few, but they're few and far between. For instance, you could say "Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes!" Dude, everyone and their mother thinks they dated. I'm not even kidding. You could say, "Percy Jackson and Jason Grace" yeah, well, half of that brotp is dead, and I can't recall the two of them every talking about their emotions to each other in a healthy/productive way. You could say "Tony Stark and Bruce Banner" and I will just look at you solemnly until you realize that that's a decently popular ship, too. And also, if you think that those two would ever talk about their actual feelings with each other, then... what show were you watching? Tony thinks he doesn't need therapy like my brain thinks headache medicine for my headache is for the weak. "Todoroki and Deku!" you say, hopeful, and I look at you like you've lost your mind.

I really want there to be space in a fandom for friendships between boys that are not romanticized or strained. I want legit, wholesome, healthy relationships.

I love the dynamic Keefe and Tam have, I love that they have so much in common, and I 100% think they could be the best friends in the whole wide world, and I fully write them like that nearly 180% of the time. I can honestly say that they're probably my KOTLC Brotp.

But the charm of it, in its entirety, is that they're bros. If you take that part out, and turn it into romance, the relationship loses everything I loved about it, and I just feel kind of sad.

In my opinion, it's about letting boys be boys and friends be friends, and your stupid, annoying, wonderful, hair-obsessed bestie still being allowed to call you at 3 in the morning to talk about the nightmare they had, and not have it be inherently romantic.

Friendship is amazing, and in my opinion, some besties are best left alone to be besties, and not be shipped.

Again, if you like it, you do you. Not hating on your ship or your taste. I definitely can see the potential.

I just really personally do not enjoy it.

<3

[ticklefighthockey]

Ooh okay so now that you've explained a little bit about attachment theory, can you apply that to the 1d boys? I saw your tags about that the other day and would love for you to expand on that!

i think i wrote a long post about this before but idk where it is and my unsearchable blog will never allow me to find it! obviously these are all headcanons based on publicly available knowledge, not insights into the psyche of the 1d boys.

the ones i feel confident in: louis - liam - niall. the ones i could make a case for: harry - zayn.

louis is secure. of all the 1d boys, louis seems to be the steadiest and most emotionally grounded, even though he’s weathered the most personal tragedy. he has maintained strong long-term friendships and relationships (i would bet that eleanor is secure or earned-secure too, because it’s almost impossible to imagine an anxious or avoidant person successfully withstanding the pressures of being a 1d girlfriend). louis seems to have had a rock-solid and deeply meaningful relationship with his primary caregiver (his mother). in interviews he’ll talk openly about how difficult/painful it could be to be cast as the least talented member of 1d, but you don’t get the sense that he wallows in self-loathing. in fact, his determination to hone his skills in songwriting and producing during his time in the group suggest a healthy degree of emotional resilience and self-esteem. he has a clear-eyed sense of his strengths and weaknesses, and he tends to be positive and optimistic about his work, even as he admits he’s had to adjust his expectations post-1d. basically, louis just seems to have a deeply rooted sense that he is loved and that he is worthy of love. his relationships with other people suggest that he’s a warm, affirming person who freely gives affection to the people he cares about.

louis seems comfortable with being vulnerable and speaking openly about his feelings, but he also consistently maintains good boundaries. also, i’m not sure how to phrase this exactly, but louis seems to be able to accurately assess whether a person or a situation is “safe” vs. unsafe in some way. the best way to illustrate this is to contrast it with liam. it’s difficult to watch liam’s post-1d interviews because he often shares really vulnerable things in situations where there’s no reason for him to trust the person he’s making himself vulnerable to. it’s like he doesn’t have that internal voice that says “do you really want to share this information? do you really want to share it here, with this person you’ve just met? is it emotionally safe for you to be vulnerable in this very public way?” with louis, you never wonder that. louis can be emotionally vulnerable in interviews, but it always feels like he’s made a thoughtful choice about what he does and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing, and if someone crosses one of his boundaries, he will flat-out refuse to engage with the question (see: that BBC interview where he refuses to answer what he feels is an invasive question about his grief).

liam is anxious, and it is hard to watch. he seems to fall into things too fast, often forming friendships or relationships with people who maybe don’t have his best interests at heart. he seems to crave intimacy but doesn’t know how to set boundaries to protect himself. unfortunately, he also seems to struggle with low self-esteem. he doesn’t seem to have a very secure or stable sense of who he is, and sometimes appears to be molding himself into whatever he thinks his partner or friend group at the time wants him to be. i really can’t imagine anything more painful than being a famous person with an anxious attachment style -- it seems like fame would just exacerbate your cravings for constant reassurance, while also continually threatening you with the sudden, vicious withdrawal of that reassurance the second you mess up and a fanbase turns  violently on you. it also seems like it would make you really, really vulnerable to being manipulated by people who are just interested in you for your money or your celebrity. poor liam!! i hope he is okay.

niall is avoidant -- that’s my take!! i think that niall maintains strong friendships and is a friendly, easygoing guy, but i suspect that in his relationships (and in some of his friendships) he uses distancing strategies to hold people at arm’s length. niall has talked a lot about being very self-sufficient and responsible for himself from a young age. i suspect (on the basis of the very little information we have about his family!) that his relationship with bobby is loving but maybe a little complicated -- i always think about that story about bobby giving away niall’s awards to a local hotel. i feel like uhh western models of masculinity discourage men from being emotionally warm or demonstrative, so it seems likely that if niall was raised first in a house with marital conflict and then by his working father, he maybe wasn’t getting a lot of steady, warm, affirming care? like, avoidant attachment doesn’t have to be the result of abuse or intentional neglect. it can also happen when caregivers are stressed, dealing with external concerns (marital strife, financial strain, etc.), or have an anxious or avoidant attachment style themselves (meaning they may not have models of what consistent nurturing looks like). it does seem like niall is someone who disavows or downplays his own needs -- as a child, in the band, and even into his solo career.

a theme that recurs again and again in niall’s music is his inability to effectively communicate with his partner in the moment, which leads to the dissolution of the relationship, which leads to niall longingly looking back on an idealized vision of the relationship. remember that idealizing past relationships can be a distancing strategy too, even if it outwardly looks like a craving for intimacy and connection! if you are continually comparing your current relationship (or potential relationships) to a past relationship, it’s a tactic of avoidance. niall has also said he’s more comfortable talking about his feelings through music, after the relationship is over -- i.e., when it’s safe to be vulnerable because the moment has passed, and also because you have total control over how you frame and present the emotional experience. niall does seem like someone who could become “earned secure” over time, especially through steady, reliable friendships with secure people, where he can learn to open up or to communicate in the present without experiencing it as a threat to his autonomy.