My life has been a lonely one. Not in a direct sense. Not at all. You see, i had quite a popular childhood, when i was 8-12 i had an incredibly good school life, i was one of the most popular kids in class, i had a lot of people look up to me, or idolize me in a sense. People would try to share their lunches with me and i would gladly take some but honestly i didn't really feel much, i wasn't happy exactly, i wasn't pleased but i wasn't sad either. I just felt apathetic. Even with my closer friends at the time, sure we had fun and ran around playing but i never really felt like i had anyone. It probably sounds weird or ungrateful, but i really didn't feel like i had anyone even though everyone wanted to hangout with me. As i went into secondary school this feeling only got worse, i was in big kid school now. Most of my old classmates had gone to different schools, only some of my close friends and myself went to this school in particular. That school was a nightmare for me. I don't think i have ever felt as lonely as i did during those times. I still had my close friends, however. I didn't try with them, i didn't hangout with them when they asked me to. I didn't do.. anything really. I just studied, slept in class, walked home with them then got inside, played games and watched movies. That was my life for 5 years. I never went to any parties, never hungout with my friends, if i did it was rare maybe once or twice because i felt guilty for saying no so much. It was well, depressing. The thing that i find weirdest of all, is i had the opportunities to have people, new friends, hangout, do cool teenage stuff. Yet for some reason i never did, i didn't really have a schoolife because i stopped myself from having one. Eventually as time went on, even my close friends hung out with other people, sure we still walked home and ate lunch together, but they'd hangout with other people, and eventually they stopped asking me to hangout at all. I mean who could blame them right? i declined every attempt. Sooner or later they'd get sick of asking me. To be truthful i always felt lonely, i would never let anyone in. Nobody would try to come in close enough either. To be fair, i didn't make it easy. I'm not even crying about it or complaining, just observing and thinking. I haven't been with a friend irl for 5 years now, haven't spoke to anyone in real life, had fun with anyone else but family and you know? That's completely my fault. I'm just weird. idk. It is what it is. Maybe someone like me wasn't made to exist outside of my bubble. The internet is fine, because i'm not really here. You can't see me or judge me, well you can but it's not the same at all. Dunno if i'll ever see anyone irl again, my old friends are pretty far gone now, in their own lives with their own friends enjoying life. Well i still speak to one, he kept in contact with me. We play games sometimes but i still don't feel close to him, he was slightly different too. He's quite similar to me, but because of that we both don't try to get closer. Just is what it is. Mutual understanding between us. We both know how we are but we both refuse to try and push through our walls. Except for the fact he does hangout with my old friends, so i guess we're not the same, maybe he just feels bad for me. hm.
Fun little observation though, realising it has been 5 years now without seeing anybody is crazy for me to think about though. I've barely even considered how long 5 years is. That's like a quater of my entire life. insane. I wonder if someday i'll find someone who'll make me feel like i'm not alone because it's how i've felt around everyone else my entire life.
