#notes to themselves

[lucia-in-the-arena]

for a solid moment there I genuinely forgot that all the 'past versions' of me are present in this moment, within me. those are my memories. they're not scenes from movies I watched and got inspired. I'm that girl who accomplished something so big she couldn't even comprehend what happened afterwards. I'm that girl who felt so lost and disconnected that she stopped making memories for a whole winter. I'm that girl who had absolutely no idea what she got herself into, and managed to survive gracefully anyway. soon, today will be memory too. it will be something along the lines of "I'm that girl who has brave enough to... and succeeded"...

[lucia-in-the-arena]

note to self:

you've been so restless and impatient that you seem like you'd skip ahead and fast forward your life if you could. and you'd do it so relentlessly that you'd die of old age next week. yes, you seem like you only have patience for like living out 6 days out of your next 60 years.

is human life something you can throw away in that manner?

[lucia-in-the-arena]

what matters is not the probability of the scenario. what matters is what happens in your life. you think you know what the probability of each scenario is, but you effectively don't. and you surely know that you simply have no idea on what happens next. just stop trying to see into the future and go to bed already.

[lucia-in-the-arena]

another thing I want to remind myself...

you're scared because you've never seen what you're trying to do get done before. it doesn't really matter if some people have been able to do this, historically. you yourself haven't witnessed how it's done, so you don't really know what this is going to be like. hence the fear.

fear, because your body is urging you to pay attention. not because you're doing something dangerous.

living your one precious life as your one precious self can't be inherently dangerous for your own wellbeing.

[lucia-in-the-arena]

you have to pay attention to your life as it unfolds. you keep collecting photos and trinkets and memorabilia and tossing them into a box to revisit them in the future. but you never do. you're acting as if death is a flight from new york to singapore and you'll have plenty of time to revisit the contents of your memory box then. well, if death turns out to be just that, it will be bewildering BUT I wouldn't count on it. you have to pay attention to your memory box as it gets filled.

[lucia-in-the-arena]

so you're telling me that having experienced so much pain has made you perpetually scared of what's to come. okay. but do you not realize that you're telling me this after you've survived all of it? you did not only survive, you thrived. you did. you went through gigantic amounts of pain, of grief, of uncertainty, of loss, ... and you made it here. you made it out well. life will always be both black and white, and you're telling me that your story has taken from your strength, but all I can see is a story that proves you're strong. all I can see is a story that proves you'll be more than okay, more than fine. you didn't only experience pain, you also experienced yourself handle it. you also experienced yourself transform it.

yes, all of those things happened.

but you happened too.

[lucia-in-the-arena]

honey, your feelings are NOT information about the world around you. they’re just information about the state you’re in, as an organism. you’re NOT in trouble (outer world) but I think you need a cookie and a nap (state of the organism).