You know how I know I'll be ok?
A while ago I was sobbing to a friend and I hopelessly said that I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t Matt’s wife. Like I wasn’t a person by myself anymore. She said that she knew me before I was married and that she liked the person I was then better. And a few times since then I’ve noticed people I’ve known the longest say things like, “Oh good, you sound like yourself again” and I am realizing they mean from before I was with Matt not just from getting past this crushing sadness.
When I first wanted to bleach my hair one of my guy friends laughed that blondes weren’t real people and I shouldn’t do it. Last night I made a joke about my opinion not mattering because “blondes weren’t real people” and he looked at me and in all seriousness said that I had seemed so much more like a real person since I had dyed my hair.
Those are small things but two weeks ago I spent most days laying on my kitchen floor crying myself sick. I don’t think I realized I was so lost.