12/25/17
Merry Christmas, I’m a boy. Whether I picked the wrong time or the right time, my parents now know I’m trans. I never planned to do it on Christmas day, it was just all about timing and all about which moment felt right. Christmas days are normally very low key for us, so sitting in the living room with them watching TV Christmas night seemed like the best moment I’d have. It didn’t go well but it didn’t go awful. I was very nervous and shaky and it didn’t take me long before I broke down and started crying. I thought I’d be able to be stronger, and hold it together a bit more, but naturally, seeing their faces go blank, was something I never want to see again. Surprisingly enough, my mother was the most receptive. She asked very thoughtful questions and kept her composure and really wanted to understand where I was coming from. On the other hand, my dad just sat there quiet and stunned, something I didn’t expect would happen and something that absolutely made me feel like shit. I can’t take back how I told them, but something about how I did it felt messy. Though I don’t think I could have done it in a better way, I wish I wouldn’t have cried. But I think coming out is hard, no matter what...and wanting your parents support is natural. We had like a 15 minute conversation about it and my mom did most of the talking, along with a lot of awkward lengthy silences. Towards the end of the conversation I asked my dad to say something, which looking back, I shouldn’t have pushed. But he was supportive, but snippy. He was hurt. He told me thatI threw him for a loop and that he will love me no matter what but it’s going to take them time to process it. He said he wouldn’t coddle me and that it’s my life and I’m going to do what I want. But he also said he didn’t know what I wanted from him and that I needed to give them time. Though these are all positive things to be said, it was the way he said it that broke me and kinda made me initially chalk it up to a bad response. When it was clear the conversation was ended I went up to my room and cried. My mom got up from her chair to hug me while she cried and said I love you anomy dad got up and went somewhere without saying a word. I called my girlfriend and talked to her about everything and she was super reassuring that it would get better and that coming out is hard always. That they would come around and that the experience wasn’t as bad as I feel it to be. After I calmed down I realized I was worked up from nerves. I thought about the things that were said and I thought about the love they have for me and I know that isn’t going away. It’s going to be hard for them to understand...it’s going to be something they are going to have to learn and I’m going to have to be patient with them. I had honestly forgotten how hard and how scary it is to come out and though I am 24, it’s still as difficult as it was for me in high school coming out as a lesbian. It’s that fear of disappointing your parents...it’s that fear of the unknown...and its fear that the people who love you most in this life might not love you as mochas they did. When I finally pulled myself together, my dad had already gone to bed. I went downstairs to get some water and walked right past my mom sitting in the recliner. I knew I needed to give her time so I wanted us to just have some space. I grabbed water and started heading back upstairs when she looked at me and told me to come sit next to her. She asked me very fair and respectful questions and really wanted to understand. In tis conversation I wasn’t crying because I didn’t feel like I was coming out, I felt like I was just having a conversation about it. I never expected my mom to be receptive in the ways that she was and I’m blessed because I’m sure as hell not getting it from my dad. It’s completely opposite from when I came out as a lesbian, because when I came out my moms the one that shut down and my dad is the one who was supportive. I’m very very thankful that my mom has been open to talk to me about it and question me respectfully. It’s more than I can ask in the initial knowing of what is happening in my life and the way they are processing that information into theirs. All in all it was alright. i don’t know of many people who have a 100% positive response from their parents when they come out and tell them they are switching genders. I can empathize with them and know that it’s tough pill to swallow and that it’s going to take some adjusting and getting used to. They are mourning a loss and all I can do is be patient and understanding of what they are also going through. This morning (12/26/17) my mom came into my room and crawled into bed with me. She talked to me about fears with me having a hard time finding jobs and fears about what it all means. But we talked it out and she’s understood and she's been open about how she is sad but she doesn’t cry in front of me, which I’m thankful for. We’ve been openly talking about it all day and I talked to her about how I’m worried about dad. My dad has completely shut down and he won’t even talk to my mom, which sucks. I’m supposed to go to lunch with him tomorrow but I don’t even know if that’s happening anymore. There’s a lot going on in my mind and I’m very emotionally drained and overwhelmed from coming out last night. I’m still processing things in bits and pieces and will continue to update on here as things progress. Thanks for reading all. Love and support is always welcomed. Stay beautiful people.
