No. 22
Going on trips makes me feel a certain way. Well I’m not sure if it’s that or the fact that it’s been almost a week since I took my 20mg Lexapro…
Probably more so the trips.
I came across a photo of me from exactly 4 years ago. The first thing that stuck out to me was the fact that I was so thin. Well. In my eyes it looks really good. The moment I showed it to my mom she asked why I liked that photo of myself.
Obviously, I stated, it was because my face looked so good. Skinny, no acne, tan. And god what a sharp jawline.
She then stated, well yes, but you were not okay then.
Which made me think. There is a 3D component to my image of myself that I overlook all of the time. All I look at when coveting the body I had before is the physicality of it all. Smooth jawline and face. But my mom, and I’m sure many of my other loved ones, add this layer of mental stability. This idea that my appearance is all there is to mark well being is such that I still have to break from. And maybe it’s those things that blinded me or rather made it easier to be oblivious to the things causing me pain and suffering at the time. She, my mom, then added “WOW, how amazing would it be if you achieved that now, with a healthier mind and spirit”. She said those things were achievable back then because I was sick. The discord between the duality of outside and inside to me made it easier to forsake one for the other. And it still does. And the dissonance creates unease in my spirit, which then is able to swing the pendulum to the side of least resistance. For me that is a terrible outside and a terrible inside.
The number of combinations are this four-fold.
1. Bad inside - Good inside (pre collapse. Circa 2017/8-2019)
This allows for me, as stated before, the tolerance to keep up a good image, diluting my instincts in a delusion that I am okay. The process is only possible due to the human nature to compare others outsides to our insides. The delusion comes from the fact that I am able to justify that I am okay because everyone else thinks that I am okay.
2. Good inside - Bad outside (post rehab. Circa 2022-present)
After I graduated New Life, I was at my healthiest, mentally. Physically , well I like the phrase that I have been on a nearly 3 year bulk. And while that does hold some truth, the inconsistency comes in the fact that this, was not intentional. It is more of a byproduct of sacrificing one addiction, and well picking up another. Well not really picking up another, rather the lack of stamina for self control. Stamina well spent kicking alcoholism, but nonetheless it gives way for vulnerabilities. I can say that on this trip with my parents I have had amazing and, quite honestly, astounding self control when it comes to complaining and getting irritated at situations that would have thrown me off the cliff into an abyss of terrible terrible decisions and emotions. We become able to do things that once used to baffle us. And for me that comes in the form of not getting frustrated at my family when they try to force feed me, my mother’s occasional complaints, and my father’s, uhh, Korean restaurant manners. My training per say has allowed me to navigate the emotional ups and downs of this trip, keeping my parents out of the chaos that is going on inside of my mind. But all of this is coming at the cost of my physical well being. Well not this trip in particular. The stamina I am talking about is the crux of my frustrations and insecurities. And my unwillingness to deal with it head on is costing me. I can feel it. Again, not discounting the maximum dose of Lexapro I am missing out on, but still it counts for something. Like I stated earlier. This imbalance between my insides and outside is causing emotional rift. It makes me prone to selling myself short on things that I would otherwise have the strength to deal with. And ultimately it will lead to…
3. Bad inside - Bad outside (2019 - 2020 PEAK Alcoholism)
This is what my mind/body/spirit slipped into. My physical condition was something to be concerned about. No joke. Diabetes OUT of control, body bloated, pale, mental stability of a self aware captive goldfish, no defense. This is what the path of least resistance is for me. I fall prey, as many of my species, and most - correction - all things do in this universe: Law of Entropy. Unmanageability, disorder, chaos, is ultimately what my life falls towards if no active steps are taken towards order. It is the sad fact of life, if you want to look at it that way. But it gives way for many opportunities to grow, not just damage control. This is well explored in my genesis and exodus from alcoholism. I don’t feel the need to go into this any more than presenting it as my third.
4. Good inside - Good outside (has never happened YET)
There have been attempts at this. If I am brutally honest, a couple of “good tries”, participation ribbon worthy performances. None have been at the level at which I pursued it like my life depended on it. I tried. Kinda. It was an honerab… good. Okay… Decent. Attempt. Yeah. I bought a subscription to HelloFresh. I tried to cook more healthy. But. It was too. I went from 0 - 100 WAYYYY too quickly. I need to start with chicken. And rice. Something easy. With portion control. My dad gave me good advice to start. Carrots: to keep my mouth busy, and watermelons: to satisfy my sweet tooth. The carrots worked. 110%. The watermelon, I need to figure out how to buy a good watermelon. It’s like gambling I swear. There is the illusion of skill, tapping, but ultimately the grocery store always wins. Maybe I need to shop at Trader Joe’s. Working out has been suboptimal the last 2 months. No cardio. It’s like I am afraid of the commitment. But newfound motivations come from my absolutely humiliating experience trying to hike up a short ass trail at Bryce Canyon. I. Am. Out. Of. Shape. StairMaster. I need it. Daily. Well. I need a schedule. And acne will hopefully get sorted out with Acutane. I am trying to go to church. And I have a new sponsor. Baby steps Inmo. Baby steps.
All this to say. I can’t see myself changing because I haven’t had a different experience before. I have never been in a position where all five infinity stones came together. I’ve had parts at a time, but not together. It’s time. It’s been time. Good I ask for your help. I can’t do this alone. I admit that I am powerless over myself, that when I try to take control, everything becomes unmanageable. I see that you have the power to turn me back to sanity, to have all the pieces fit. So I give my will unto you. So have your way with me and give me the strength to do the next right thing. With all of my fears and sexual insecurities, with my unwillingness to grow, I give them to you. I acknowledge that only you God have the power to take away my defects of character, so make me available to the instances where you will.
God help me. I need you. Lead me into this new season of my life where I am steadily growing. Help me address my fears that keep me stagnant and paralyzed.
Thank you for this time of reflection.