#notsafe cw

[sillyprompts]

ALFRED WRIGHT BI ATTORNEY Sentence Starters

Things are terrible here too. It's a fucking wreck. Like my life!

They're saying there was a murder.

I think that's cat piss in the corner. We don't even have a cat! Who pissed in here?!

Are you a stand user?

I'm pogging out! I'm pogging out!

Can I be a teenager for like five seconds?

Okay, Jesus Christ. I don't know what's going on here.

The fuck did you call me you wannabe Gem looking ass bitch?

Your card went in my EYE.

If you're cringe, then I'm fucking weirdchamp.

Bitch, you're in JAIL.

Oh, honey. The eyelash. Oh, Jesus. Can I fix it?

People be killin'. People be committing crimes, what can I say?

ARREST HER. YOU ARE A COP.

We don't have to fucking talk about this here. We don't have to do this.

The body was found right over here. In fact, you're standing on it.

I wish you would blow my noggin.

Is that a new term, "givin' me noggin"? "Use your noodle"?

She be using the left and right brain, you know what I'm fucking talking about? I be grinding to the center, call that shit brain-doggin'.

LET ME HAVE THIS. I'M A 25 YEAR OLD MAN. I'M SINGLE. I'M GAY.

You're over here simping a Kentucky Derby contestant, bitch.

I could not have been less prepared for a JPEG of a tiger.

Advanced Tomfoolery is what I majored in in college.

I'm all about trickle-clown economics.

[name], if you can hear this, you have to shit faster.

This is what I sound like when I jack off: [squeaky clown horn]

The circus is for everybody, large and small. Don't fucking judge me.

I know that you're very anxious right now, did you hear about that murder that happened? You know when someone got clobbered over the head and died, can you tell me about that?

It was funny. Laugh. Please don't call me cringe.

With movies, TV, and bowling, the three main forms of media, there is just too much competition.

You were born without a sense of humour. And a small penis, too, I bet.

I caught a peek of the crime. I watched it happen, I did nothing to stop it.

The swift hand of justice will surely kill this man.

I will take you to prison, you will become a shiv.

FBI just donated 3 dollars.

Fuck everything else, this monkey is the best.

Game over. Monkey killed you.

Did Diddy Kong knock me unconscious?

You look like a dollar store Bratz knock-off.

The monkey has been added to the court record.

[sillyprompts]

Haters Anonymous Pinned Starter Sentences 4

Snake! For this mission, you’re going to have to kiss me on the mouth.

No fat asses in Journey to the West? SAD. Well, there’s other asses.

Call me Earth the way I make that pussy quake.

I became trans by way of geological forces. Like a tectonic plate movement.

Having some of the worst poop ever.

Do you have a titty snake video on you?

My tits are so big because they’re filled with feminism.

I need to make you into a fucked up person.

They rejected me because they were afraid of my swag.

I mean this in the most loving way possible, but sometimes I want to be atomized when I hear something you say.

Your poor, poor eyebrows. They’re on fucking life support.

You, sir, have won the internet.

I can drink anti-freeze, captain!

Can we throw pipe bombs at royal families together?

You guys are always on about killing your dads, but what about killing your moms? #Feminism.

I showed you my neurotypical masking. Please hire me.

NEO LONG ISLAND IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE. YOU’RE IN A PICKLE NOW HEMORRHOID VIGILANTE.

I took Ambien and now I want to touch LEGO boobs.

LOL. It doesn’t even hurt that bad. Well, it does. I just don’t show pain. LOL.

I forgot what I was going to do because I got distracted by transgender gnomes.

My creative abilities are being suppressed. I want to make a website that will give the user a seizure, or diarrhoea.

I am beaming socialism and love into your mind.

That Wonka sure had a great idea for a nightmare factory of ironic punishments. I'm taking notes.

I should be customizable like a Sim. Only a five foot wide head would ease my bodily dysphoria.

What if I was radioactive, but instead of killing you, I just made you 1mm shorter and the effect grew exponentially?

Professor, enough about archaeology! We have to see cum documented!

[sillyprompts]

Hey Alfred, Watch This! Starter Sentences 2

Remember when Claire Redfield was in Super Smash Brothers Melee?

I have approximately fifteen percent comprehension as to what that means.

Everyone knows Skyrim came out on everybody’s birthday at the same time somehow.

Here’s my question as an avid gamer: when’s the part where I rim the sky?

Like this post if you were born in two-thousand-nothing.

I was about to say “Miyamoto’s butthole” so I’m glad I stopped.

Partition.org is where I get my hard-drive tips.

It’s a snow day and I’d love to play Bomberman 64 with you.

Friends don’t stalk each other.

I was cool and chill with you until, once again, you took your fist and hit me across the fucking face and slapped me off of a building.

I can eat with no head. I still have a throat hole.

Every zombie in here is spring-loaded with a Vine reference when you kill them.

I want everything in here except you to die.

Oh my God, [name] I’m a fucking accomplice! Why did you fucking do that?!

You sound like you’re laughing like you’re angry at me. Like your face is fucking pissed off and you’re laughing in my face.

Shoot him! Why are you running?! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?

He was going to try to propose to you! He was on his knee!

Oh, now I’m a potential customer you’re being all respectful!

THIS MAN EATS BULLETS LIKE FUCKIN’ MINTS!

You’re like Otis’s dad in Barnyard, waiting for the coyotes to come.

If this man pops up, I’m gonna jump really high in the air.

I cannot hear. I swear, I cannot hear!

What you’re looking for has been here the whole time… right in front of your eyes.

She wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts. She’s cheer captain and I’m the bleachers.

You can’t eat ass cheeks that are concrete.

Oh my God, that hurt me! That hurt my physically, [name] you just did twenty points of psychic damage!

My dad sounds like that when he comes in in the middle of the night. He’s got big work boots.

Stop shooting my dad! 

I tried to jump through a mirror when I was five years old so I could go to the ChalkZone.

[sillyprompts]

Hey Alfred, Watch This! Starter Sentences

My favourite cosplay that I never got to do for UNDERTALE was the stick that gets stepped on in the very beginning of the game.

Hey, what are you doing. What are you doing? Hey, hey, hey! Hey! STOP.

That’s Mr. X. He drives a Bugatti.

Finally, a fucking drink. ( The muse is sipping out of a gas nozzle. )

I hate cars! Fuck Henry Ford!

I’m so wet in the rain.

Do I think? No. That’s been the problem since the beginning.

This is a graveyard for poor people. Look at these fucking tombstones, they’re just sticks. They didn’t even bury those ones!

Hello, welcome to Intuition Graveyard where the job is yours.

Are you going to eat my legs?

My dad once said you should always try everything once. And if you try something twice, you’re a piece of shit.

You farted and shitted and now the house is on fire!

Didn’t you know that Resident Evil 2 spelled backwards is UNDERTALE 2?

Look at how fucking sopping wet this boy is.

So basically I’m monky?

You turned him into Nickelodeon Gak! He’s Nickelodeon slime at the Nickelodeon kid’s choice awards! What have you done?

Don’t meow at me.

Talk about a low-budget flight! No food or food?

Who just fucking broke my bones, dude?

Oh my God, that was all of my lecture papers! I put them in order!!

Sorry to disorganize your homework, lads.

What is that level called with the purple water? What is it fucking called with that Barney juice, dude? Stank-Ass Toilet Zone?

You should be in Mamma Mia! The ABBA musical. 

No? Did you just say no to me? I don’t feel like I’m being respected.

Something happened and I immediately shitted myself.

I earned this big boy with his large penis gun.

We’re gonna say “hey, [name], you wanna play Mario Kart 8?” and then we’re gonna tie you to a chair.

[sillyprompts]

Haters Anonymous Pinned Starter Sentences 3

I had a dream you told me I smelled kind of bad. 

I’m going to have sex while watching Pixels with Adam Sandler.

Your mom makes bread by sticking wheat together with duct tape.

Why do you have trauma?

Don’t go near it. It’ll blast you into Canada.

I am perfectly camouflaged against this brick wall mural advertisement for Charleston Chews.

I forgot you weren’t wearing a shirt and got jump-scared by your nipples!

Have you seen the Muppet with massive tits?

Okay, now I’m just going to try and kill as many people as possible.

I loathe to take human life, but this time, it’s necessary.

Why do pussies growl?

About to go to the top surgeon and have them put my tits back on me.

Hey, if you eat an entire thing of digestives, do you shit?

I’m being plagued with visions of men with fat asses.

You look like a small Victorian boy possessed by the spirit of SpongeBob, but I mean it in a nice way.

GIRL HELP. THERE’S NO HRT FOR GHOSTS.

Are the cars from Cars sexy?

No chairs here. Our asses can withstand the earth. 

Sorry I thought about breaking your spine.

I’m saving myself for divorce.

With great gun comes big boom.

Sometimes the side chick isn’t even a side chick. It’s Tien Shinhan from hit manga series Dragon Ball.

I saw two first graders fighting, so naturally I stepped in. They didn’t stand a chance against me.

Hurry the fuck up and give a quick honk on that bobo.

Do not distribute the waffle sandwich.

Cracking trauma, Gromit.

[sillyprompts]

Absolutely: A True Crime Story Sentence Starters

It’s a fucking video game.

We can’t all be heroes.

Well [name], this is a pretty open and shut case. We know you did it. We’ve got the knife you used to kill the victim. It’s got your finger prints on it. And your blood. And your spit… and your semen(?) We’ve got three witnesses who watched you do it. We’ve got a video of you stabbing the victim fifteen (15) times. We’ve got you walking into a police station saying: “I [full name], have committed a murder.”

If you’re thinking of talking your way out of this one, you’d better have a pretty good explanation.

Yep, just a normal day. Pushing my massive supply of uncut drugs onto addicted local school children.

Hi there, [name]! Not doing any stabbing today I see!

Sell me a dime, would you please?

Hell yeah! I’m gettin’ fucked up tonight~!

It’s the lack of stabbing that makes NoCrimesVille the kind of city I’m proud to live in.

Sorry if I look sad today… season 7 of Game of Thrones is out today… but I can’t afford HBO.

Let’s just navigate over here to thepiratebay.org/GoTs07e01-07. Oh, and we should also get you season 6, just for a recap. You know how complex the storyline is.

You like tentacles, [name]?

Well, let me explain how decentralized P2P works.

I’m doing a murder right now!!

Nobody gets away with crimes in my town.

Destiny claims yet another victim…

I heard you beat up twelve robbers at Sears!

Maybe you can help me. I’m in a tricky pickle right now.

Maybe some time in the slammer will sort your shit out.

After a hard day of making the world a better place, a nice cold one would sure hit the spot.

I think deep down… all of us are broken, in a way.

The real lesson here today, is: If you truly need to punish someone, let them go free.

He WILL stab you.

But you forgot one crucial thing: you killed a murderer. And that makes you responsible for all of the murders they committed.

Aspiring to anything will only get Keanu Reeves killed.

Every time you wish for something, Keanu Reeves is sent to the electric chair.

[sillyprompts]

Haters Anonymous Pinned Starter Sentences 2

Why don’t you ctrl+c ctrl+v some bitches.

I broke my last laptop trying to download Meet the Robinsons.

Me and the boys only pee when we touch dicks.

A “fruit roll up” is when me and my homies make a blanket burrito to get cozy.

Logging into fucked up evil Facebook to play Harmville.

Stop threatening to kill me with appliances.

Girl help, I’m falling into the acid vat.

I’m not a shopping list... I’m a ghost!

*throws a beaker at you that is filled with a potion that makes you bald*

When I was a kid, I was afraid the guy next door would come in and take a crap on my bed.

I’m going to focus on your facetious use of the word “dude”.

The man asks about gay snakes and you tell him to die?

You will wish for my smell and you will die.

Baby, I’m about to be accused of regicide.

Died from eating some bad pussy.

If you hit me, I’m making a callout post.

Ma’am your vagina alright?

Give me my fucking fingers back, dickhead.

This in no way enriched my life! Thank you.

You kids wait right here. Papa is going to go buy some gender.

Did you just kill someone? That’s kind of epic.

Please explode and die.

I’m sexual.

[sillyprompts]

Haters Anonymous Pinned Starter Sentences

There is something very sexy about divorce.

Fail husband from my cringe marriage.

So who’s the eeby and who’s the deeby?

Look at my fat LEGO ass.

Stop posting the cock gif!

In my opinion, piss and shit makes us more familiar with each other.

Woe is me, my ass is fat and I need two hundred dollars.

I’m literally going to get a restraining order.

I’m living deliciously and sexily.

I’m living sluttily and fatly. 

I heard you’re finally out as gay, wig.

Did I fucking ASK you to post a photo?

The best character is whatever that guy’s name was.

You look like you’re giving homosexuality one last try, but if you can’t find the man of your dreams, you’re going to retire to straighthood. 

You wish you were me, punk.

I feel like the white Eminem. 

No more tits! We’re trying to play Fall Guys!

Fuck anybody that knows about ctrl+z.

I am going to cry. I am going to sob.

I’m smart and I have huge meat.

Sorry for pooping. Didn’t mean that.

I take it back. I want to injure you for making me look at Arin Hanson.

I want Mario to date my mom.