Dave Patrick may have one of the best looking fakie airs ever! #bmx #snakebitebmx #fakieair #midschoolbmx #nowherefast https://www.instagram.com/p/BzPswirFF-V/?igshid=1a47w9qgv33nw
@incubusofficial #setlist March 30, 2018 @thejointlv #brandonboyd #michaeleinziger #benkenney #djkilmore #josepasillas #incubus #incubus8 #8tour #incubusinlasvegas #privilege ❤ #nowherefast ❤ #absolutioncalling ❤ #pony ❤ #whenibecameaman 🤣 www.setlist.fm (en The Joint at Hard Rock Hotel & Casino)
So this has been sitting half written for months in my docs. I forced myself to finish it last night. Honestly Writer’s Block is a bitch and I’ve been stuck for a while. I need something to get me out of it.
I hope you like this little fic that was like pulling teeth to write...... also. I’m sorry.
My favorite memory of her is incidentally from the night we met. We were just two strangers, so caught up in each other we could barely breathe. In my mind she's illuminated by the glow of my dash. We both had beer on our breath in that parking lot. I killed the headlights, hoping we wouldn't get caught. We were breaking new ground in my backseat. My hands were discovering her curves, her lips were burning my skin. That memory was the one I pulled out in lonely nights, when I couldn't deal with the pain of losing her.
Or the pain of loving her.
She was wild. All fire and no smoke. She knew what she wanted out of life, out of love. And for one summer she wanted me. She was like a meteor, soaring through my life and in the blink of an eye she was gone. Here one minute, wrapped in my arms, gone the next.
I'd never forget her. My blue eyed Nesta.
The moment I walked into the bar laughter hit me. I didn't know then it would be her laughter. I didn't know what the girl dancing on the bar, the girl who's dark hair flowed freely all around her, would become to me. But the moment I saw her I couldn't stop staring.
The moment her eyes met mine I was gone.
She jumped down, finishing her drink and then sauntering towards me. Her hips swayed to unheard music and then she was standing in front of me. Her smile was slow, but it was beautiful as she touched my arm. Her fingers were warm, her cheeks were flushed.
“Hello handsome,” her eyebrows rose as she spoke.
“Hi,” I was usually good at this part. I could get a girl into my bed in less than half my night here. I was good with words, I was good at flirting. But this girl was better. She threw me off my game.
It was the blue eyes. It's like she was looking into my soul.
She reached up and touched my chest, “you look scared. You don't have to be scared. I won't bite.” She smirked, her hand running slowly across my collar bone, “unless you ask me to.”
I smiled and my instincts kicked in. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close, “I'm not scared sweetheart. You just took my breath away.”
She rolled her eyes but she didn't pull away. Instead she moved closer, her arms wrapping around my neck, “dance with me.”
She didn't wait for an answer. She pulled me close and swayed her hips as the song picked up. I swallowed, my mouth dry. She was beautiful, captivating. She was someone I had never even dreamed of. She licked her lips as she pushed her hair over her shoulder. I couldn't take my eyes off her, my body begging me to lean in and kiss hay spot right below her ear. God she looked delicious.
The air crackled, as if it was electrified. I took in a breath as my hands tightened on her hips. She swayed and moved against me and my body reacted. I bit my lip, feeling the room grow warmer as she brought her eyes up to mine.
“Nesta,” she said, her blue eyes dancing in the light and from the drinks she must have had before I got here. She smiled, a dimple pressed in her cheek.
I swallowed the desire, the overwhelming sensation to take her right then and there. I didn’t know what had come over me. I waited a beat and then smiled, the one that I had been told brought girls to their knees.
“Cassian,” I gave in to my need, my want to touch her. I lifted my hand, letting my fingers ran across her collarbone and I felt her shiver under me. I smiled, seeing her physically react the way I was internally reacting.
The music changed and suddenly it was slow. I touched her waist again, pulling her closer. Our chests were pressed against each other and I couldn’t stop staring into her beautiful eyes. She was so very different than any girl I had ever wanted to take home.
But damn. Did I want to take her home.
“Come home with me,” I whispered as we slowed down with the music. My arms wrapped around her waist and hers went to my neck. We were so close our breath tangled together. Usually I was smooth, I had a pickup line that made knees go weak. But I didn't even try to hide my desire, my captivating behind pretty lies.
I just wanted her. I wanted to be consumed by this mysterious woman. For the first time I wasn't doing the chasing.
She giggled, “do you get all the girls with that line?”
I raised an eyebrow, “most usually get weak in the knees when I smile at them.”
“Well I am not most girls,” she answered as she leaned in and caught my mouth with hers.
That moment, when she kissed me, sealed my fate. There wasn't anyone else in this room, in this town, that could pull me away from this fire. I wanted to burn, I wanted her to mark me. Kissing Nesta was like finding air to breathe after drowning for so long. She was beautiful. She was wild.
She was choosing me.
---
We didn't stay long, I have no idea what song played next. I took her hand and pulled her off that dark dance floor. We made our way to the dark lobby, stopping only so I could press her up against the wall and pull her into me. I caught her mouth, my own desire springing into being.
Nesta moaned against my lips as her knee brushed against me. I gasped, the heat coursing through my veins. My hands were shaking as she pulled back, only to lean in and press hot kisses against my neck. I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to hold onto a little bit of my pride.
“Nesta.” Her name fell off my lips like a prayer. Her eyes held mine as if she knew exactly what she was doing. I gasped as he knee swirled around my leg and lightly touched me. Her giggle went straight to my core and my pants tightened more.
She stopped her ministrations, forcing me to open my eyes. She was smiling, her eyes bright and mysterious, “I thought you were taking me home.”
I pulled her away from the wall and we all but ran to my car.
I didn't even the door shut and she climbed on my lap. I knew trying to leave was useless, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Her weight was nothing, and yet it was everything as she pressed against me. My body responded to her kisses, to her heat.
I didn't hold back. My hands went to her waist, my fingers running along her skin as I pulled at her shirt. I popped the button in one try, nesta only pulling away from my lips to gasp. I took a moment to look at her swollen lips, the way she bit down on them as she looked at me. Her eyes were bright. Her cheeks were pink.
I held her gaze as I moved my hand, pushing past her jeans, past the fabric of her underwear. She held my gaze as I drew a finger up and around her center. Her eyes gave away her pleasure as they screwed shut. She bit her lip, holding in her groan. Her hips twitched as I drew lazy circles around, she was more than ready for more. But I wanted her to beg, I wanted to watch her come undone.
“God your hands,” she moaned as my fingers slipped inside her, “are so much better than mine.”
I laughed against her neck, her body tightening around me. Her eyes were closed, her breathing heavy. God she was beautiful and I had just met her.
My hips ground into hers, both of us moaning. We hadn't even had a full conversation yet. It was a wonder we had made it back to my car. Nesta was breathing heavily as she pulled back, her eyes on mine. She pulled back and then suddenly her lips were on mine as she kept moving against me.
“I don't,” she bit her lip as I tried to calm myself down, “I don't do this. I don't stay,” she leaned in and kissed me again, “I don't want to hurt you.”
I gave her a smile, my other hand playing with the hem of her shirt, “I'm a big boy Nesta. I can handle one night.”
“I really like you,” she whispered, my hand slipping up further, her hips moving towards me on their own. Her mouth flew open as she came undone, her body breaking around me. She held in her scream, watching me as I watched her. We waited a moment, holding each other's gaze as she came back to herself.
When she started to speak again, I shook my head. I captured her mouth with mine and kissed her, silencing any more fears she was about to say. Nesta closed her eyes and we lost ourselves in each other.
---
I learned her slowly. She was like a puzzle, one piece given to me at a time. She said she didn't stay, but the morning after our first night she didn't leave. She held my hand and we acted as if whatever this was was real. She was still beside me three days later.
She told me she didn't settle because of him. Someone had hurt her, badly it seemed. Her father was careless and he never truly cared about her or her sisters. She didn't know how to stay, how to be there for someone. So she always left before she got too close. Before things became too real.
“What if you don't want to leave? Have you ever wanted to stay with anyone you've hooked up with?”
She shook her head as we walked around town, her hand was holding mine, “I have to say you're the first one I've ever over slept with,” she smiled as her eyes met mine, “there's something familiar about you. Something that makes me feel safe. I haven't felt safe in a long time.”
I squeezed her hand, “I want you to stay too.”
She let go of my hand and ran towards the swings. Our serious moment was gone as quickly as it had appeared. She jumped on the first one and started pumping her legs. I loved her laugh, I wanted to save it, store it away in a place where I would never lose it. Because I knew no matter how hard I tried she wasn't going to stay.
She wouldn't choose me over everything else.
Somehow we fell into a life. Nesta stayed for a week, and then another. We didn't talk about it, in fact I avoided the topic of her leaving all together. I took he time I had and I held it, wishing more than anything to freeze this moment, these days and never let them go. Because I never got to keep anything, I never got to feel anything as beautiful as this.
I spent my time filled with thinking up ways to keep her beside me. I took her around town. I surprised her by introducing her to my best friends, the males I considered my brothers. I took her on one adventure after another never stopping to let her even think about leaving.
We were walking to the car. We had just the movies, the little in house theater that had mismatched couches and a projection screen, when I realized how much I wanted this to last. It struck me stupid how halt I was, how much I loved her in this moment. I hadn't said the words, I barely thought them until now. But they were there, right in the center of my heart.
I stopped walking, I pulled her close, the cold making her cheeks flush. I smiled, holding her gaze with mine. I leaned in as close as I could and kissed her softly, feeling as if the best was yet to come.
There was music playing through the speakers, “as nice as this is, what was that for?”
She was breathless when I pulled away from her. I ran my thumb along her bottom lip and held my smile. How could someone so small, so I beautiful have complete and total control over my heart? I never imagined this happening, I never fell. I was always the one falling.
“I just like this. That I can kiss you anytime anytime I want.”
I smiled as I looked her over. Her eyes were sparkling. Her lips were tight and suddenly she looked angry at me. We made it to the car in silence, Nesta no longer smiling. I got in and turned on the heat, waiting for her to say something, when she didn't I glanced over. She had her arms crossed.
I hadn't even made it halfway down the street when I knew I couldn't take the silence. I slowed the car down, there was no one else out here. I flashed her another smile, trying to dissolve whatever I had done to make her angry with me.
“What are you doing?” She asked as I put the car in park. I kept smiling at her, her eyes sparkled in the moonlight.
Once we were out of the car and back on the street, I took her hand, “I do believe this is the first song we danced to together.”
Her mouth fell open as we both got out. She was smiling now, I hadn't seen her face so bright before. I pulled her into my chest and ran my fingers down her cheek.
“Cassian.”
She whispered my name as we danced there in front of my car. Just the two of us, the road stretched out in front of us. My hands steady on her hips. I have her my heart right then and there, as foolish as it was. I knew I'd never get it back. I knew I would never find someone like her.
And I knew she would never choose someone like me.
“Nesta,” I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. When I pulled away her eyes were filled with tears, “I love you.”
Her face fell slightly, her cheeks lost color. Before I could think it through I made the mistake of telling her how I felt. Her hands shook, she bit her bottom lip.
“Cass.” I put my thumb over her lips, stopping whatever was next.
“I know you don't stay. You don't do whatever this is,” I let out a shaky breath, “but you're still here, with me. And for now that matters to me. And I care about you. So whatever time we have together, I will hold close when this all ends.”
“Cassian. I care about you,” her words were soft as she held my gaze. I could see her fear. Tears filled her eyes and I wanted to kiss them away. She was afraid of those three words. I didn't need to hear them, because I could see them in her eyes.
I shook my head and offered her a smile, “it doesn't matter if you say it back. If you love me too. But in this moment, in this lifetime, I love you. And I wanted you to know.”
Her smile wasn't forced, but it wasn't as bright as before. She leaned in, her head fit perfectly against my chest. There in the spot where my shoulder connected. I held her tighter, as we swayed to a new song. I thought we would have forever, or at least longer than one summer.
But then again she had warned me not to get close. I guess I should've listened when she told me she didn't know how to stay. I was foolish enough to believe I could change her; that I could settle her. In that moment it didn't matter; I had her and whatever time she gave me was precious.
---
I woke up and the bed was empty. The warmth from Nesta’s side was gone, her scent still lingered. There was a note on her pillow, my heart sank. After all the warnings, all the stolen kisses and laughs we shared, and she still found a way to break my heart. She was gone and she didn't even say goodbye.
I sat up and looked at that piece of paper. I didn't want to read it and yet I did. I let out a sigh and then pushed open the folds with my thumb.
I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with you. But then it was 4 am and we were laughing way too hard. And I was happy for the first time in a long time; it scared me. I think I could've loved you.
I'm sorry. No one ever taught me how to stay.
But you were the first to try.
Nes
Tears filled my eyes. She had warned me time and time again she would only break my heart. I should've listened to her, I should've walked away when she gave me the chance. But instead I held on tighter. I thought she would settle, I thought she would choose me. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at her name. The nickname she hated and yet still smiled when it slipped past my lips.
Maybe she wasn't the one for me. Maybe she ran because she knew we were both destined for bigger and better things. I closed my eyes, I could still see her smile, her scent almost lingered in the air.
Nesta always talked about big things. She had dreams and she was done letting people tell her they weren’t going to come true. She was always destined for bigger, better things. I never knew it, but I wasn’t one of them.
As much as I wanted to stand beside her and watch her take flight, I never wanted to believe she didn’t want the same things as I did.
She told me time and time again she didn’t do this. Whatever we were, she didn’t do it. I should’ve believed her. But I was love struck. I truly thought I could change her.
No not change her. Settle her. Claim her.
But Nesta would never be tamed. She was fierce and she was fire. She was the love of my life. She was my soul made flesh. The one person I truly wanted to spend my life with. What we had was rare, it was something only few truly ever experience.
“I’ll never forget you,” I whispered softly as I opened my eyes and looked at the empty spot she had left behind. The empty spot in my bed was nothing compared to the hole that now ached inside my heart. She had been my shooting star, a moment so bright it burned my entire soul.
I leaned back against my pillows and tried to remember how I lived before I met her. Because I had been someone before she came and ruined me. I had been happy, I could be happy again. But I'd still love her. I was pretty sure I would always love her.
And I would hold onto her. Her laughter, her smile. I would never forget my blue eyed Nesta. My wildfire. Me and Nesta, with all the time in the world. We were young and in love. Maybe one day we'll run into each other again. Until then I'll remember a summer full of sunsets, her long legs tangled up with mine.
I remember everything about her. I hold those memories and savor them. She was more than a moment for me. But that’s all she gave me. A moment. It was as fleeting as a shooting star. It was a moment that was fine in the blink of an eye. But it had been a moment I'll never forget, full of happiness and something I never ever felt before. Something I never thought I would. She gave me love.
I think about her, about us all the time.
And sometimes I wonder if she’s somewhere out there thinking of me too. Or if I was nothing more than a pit stop for her. And if she always knew that in the end me and her, we were going nowhere fast.
