🥂 + do you ever think maybe they just should have let me die? that maybe that would have been better than becoming what i am now?
( ASK MEME II: HAPPY HOUR | not accepting )
now after that question, taewon is royally pissed off, angrier than he ever remembered being, his whole being shakes with fury as he jumps to a stand and the stool he was sitting on falls back, a huge sound that quietens the laughter around them. it takes mere seconds before he clenches his fist and punches doyoon across his smug face, not able to stop himself from causing a scene right then and there. a few gasps are heard through the bar, and only then taewon realizes they are amidst their co-workers, no matter how drunk everyone is. he glances around for a second before his hands grab doyoon’s lapels, and he glares at him before uttering out a — “come with me, now.” that leaves no room for argument.
if there is anyone who wants to stop them from fighting, no one steps forward, and before they can attempt to do so, taewon drags them out of the bar to the elevator, pushing doyoon inside before he presses the button for the ground floor. he refuses to talk, but his grip on doyoon is tight, probably alarming as well but taewon doesn’t budge. and when they reach the ground floor, he drags them both out to the street, and once they are in the clear, he pushes doyoon against the side of the building. even though he has always been smaller in stature, he puts his entire strength to it, an arm on doyoon’s chest. and the pressure has been building up through their walk down that his eyes are wet, both in anger and sadness at the same time.
“how — how could you ask that—” he lets out, unable to stop the tears falling down from his eyes. it’s good that it’s dark outside, but he doesn’t try to hide them either, his voice should be giving it away one way or another. he only falters for a moment, pulling back momentarily before he pushes doyoon again, glaring up at him. “i don’t know if you’re trying to piss me off on purpose, because you can’t be this dumb, you can’t be.” taewon utters out, his eyes hard, one of his hands clenched into a punch because he isn’t sure if doyoon deserves another one or not.
“you — you’re my fucking family —- how dare you ask that, we said — i thought you knew how much you mean to me, why are you asking me that ? why are you being so… cruel ?” he breathes out, pulling back only then, his hands going slack as he falls back on his heels. tears have been falling down harder now, and one hand goes up to furiously wipe them off, his teeth gritted as he lets out a ragged breath, genuinely hurt and confused. he hates the vulnerability it shows, this is not something taewon does often or at all — but doyoon has been pushing him to this point throughout the entirety of the night, and he doesn’t know what to do anymore.
“you haven’t… become anything different — it’s still you. my best friend. my brother. my only family.” taewon begins, looking down as tears continue to run down his face, only when he says those last words he looks up to meet doyoon’s eyes, wanting him to see everything he has been feeling about these goddamn awful questions. “and if you genuinely think that would ever cross my mind… maybe you are not the person i thought you were. you keep pushing and twisting and hurting —- i know you are no saint, and i am not one either but — you never did this to me. just tell me if you fucking hate me so much. if this is one of your reverse psychology games you learned in fucking med school, i’m telling you now. stop it — just fucking — stop it —-” his words lose strength as he moves on, more choked up, more upset than he ever showed to the outside world. he wants to punch him again, but he can’t bring himself to do so. he just wants to leave, after hearing all those awful things from doyoon, all those false assumptions that doubt his love for his friend, taewon doesn’t know how to look at him anymore.
“i’m leaving, you dick. just like you wanted.” he mutters out, evading doyoon’s gaze and turning on his heel. “just tell me you fucking hate me, goddamn —” with that under his breath, he takes a shaky breath and begins to walk away, unsure what to do after this. he feels lonelier and more lost than he ever felt in a long time; he has no answers at all.
taewon’s affronted, shocked, and completely furious at the question directed at him. for a second he doesn’t even understand if doyoon actually asked him that, the alcohol rendering his brain slower than usual, anger needing a little bit longer to arrive than it normally would, especially at the face of his best friend. the same very best friend who is asking him such atrocities right then — “what the fuck ?” he can only manage that out at first, glaring daggers, fires at the man in front of him.
“did you fucking fall on your head or something?” he yells out, jumping up at from his seat near the counter to a stand, an accusing finger pointed at doyoon, inches from his face. how dare he ask a question like that, it has to be a joke, it has to be —- he searches for answers on his friends’ face, but he fails to find any, nothing but seriousness on features he knows how to read well. “you are a damn idiot that’s what —-” the weapon specialist begins, the hand that’s not pointing accusatorially towards doyoon is clenched to a fist at his side, nails digging into his palm.
he needs to take a moment to calm down, he really does, for he is seconds away from punching doyoon across his face, and he barely manages to stop himself. “i’m not answering that; it’s such a fucking stupid question that it shouldn’t be granted an answer. i thought you were a smart man, you dick — why the fuck are you asking me that ?” there is a moment of spiralling as he speaks, panic in his features that he needs to hide. even the mere thought of doyoon thinking that, believing in that feels like a bucket of cold water thrown at his face, shocking, chilling — and goddamn horrifying.
“i would have gone to hell and brought you back if you didn’t come back.” that’s what he settles with, only barely managing to calm himself down enough to sit back, though still fuming. “and if you ask me something as stupid as that again, i will throw you to hell myself —-”
they are both laughing at something idiotic, having had a few drinks too many, taewon’s head is happily light. it’s a fun conversation at first as they are reminiscing about old times, talking about life when they were both in college, living in that flimsy old apartment that always smelled bad. taewon still thinks it was one of the best times he had, and still looks back to it with a grin on his face — or a laugh, as doyoon reminds him of the constantly broken sink. it’s a few minutes later that it takes a grave turn, when doyoon decides to ask him… that. even though the weapon specialist is still drunk, it sobers him up nonetheless.
"no! i didn’t — i don’t —" he begins, not liking any thought that involves him hating doyoon. the man is his family, basically everything he has that grounds him, which is why using his name next to hatred initially gets a visceral reaction out of taewon. he pauses afterwards, and it’s not hard to figure out what doyoon means by that. he means after university, when the older went on to join doctors without borders, if taewon hated him for making a decision that made doyoon so happy. perhaps that’s yet another reason he is so affronted, almost angry that doyoon would insinuate that. “it made you so happy, how could i hate you for following your dreams?” he lets out, louder than he intends, almost as if he’s asking are you stupid?. then it takes a few more seconds of thought before he just sighs and looks down at his glass.
"i don’t know if you have been thinking that for a while, or where the hell that came up, but don’t you dare —" his attention turns back to doyoon at that, something akin to a flame in his eyes. “you were so happy. i couldn’t hate you for that. even if i wanted to, i could never.” he is perhaps the only person in the entire world that taewon can be selfless with; anything doyoon asked, taewon would do without a second question. and when that involves his happiness, he would rather die than be in doyoon’s way, as dramatic as it sounds.
"do i hate the way you came back? absolutely. i fucking wanted to hurt everyone involved. i wanted to punch whoever was responsible — i wanted to beat the shit out of them. i hated how still you were in that hospital bed, covered in fucking bruises — looking so damned lost —" he gets heated up at that, slamming a fist on the tabletop, enough to make his hand hurt. then he gets solemn, shaking his head once again. “but not you. i don’t — i can’t hate you. not for that. not for trying to go after your dreams. i don’t know why it even crossed your stupid mind.”
while he is indeed a caffeine addict to the extreme, jihae still knows when to call it quits and get the sleep he needs even if he'd rather streamline any and all caffeine sources into his veins and keep going. gone are the days he would push himself to stay up for twenty-four straight hours, pressurization making his eyeballs feel close to bulging out of his head, muscles tense, and mind replaying the same coding over and over until he passed out at his desk. he's all too happy to lose familiarization with the side effects of sleep deprivation and leave them in the dust. nis training had straightened him up in his habits and even if he is a workaholic to his very core, he's tried bettering himself the best he can.
stress is a cruel, cold-hearted bastard, however, and his mistress is insomnia, a bitch that jihae only consider a frenemy at best.
since the announcement from lee kiyoung, he's been pushing himself to do better, to make himself seem as valuable an asset and as loyal to the agency as possible. logically speaking, he shouldn't have anything to worry about, but logicistics aren't helping him. his head feels as if it's on the chopping block, especially with a polygraph around the corner at some point for him. he's trying to ready himself for it and for any other questionings he might have ahead of him, constantly wracking his brain for anything he may have done that might work against him. when he thinks of none, however, he just repeats the process.
he pays for this mentality. any dreams he has quickly become nightmares about being locked up in a cage, hand reaching for the people he's grown close to who represent just one of many reasons he values his freedom now. his usual escape to the tub in his bathroom doesn't help, too restless by then to get proper rest, so he spends all of his time on his computer. looking through files of cases he's helped on to make sure everything is on the up and up would look too suspicious so to resist the temptation he finds other things to do. he winds up building a second computer from spare parts, downloads the appropriate software and customizes it for gaming even though his other computer is perfectly capable of handling whatever he chooses to do on it. when he finishes that, he dismantles it and starts again.
his tunnel vision gives him a strange sense of time. he loses track of it but his habits of the last year and a half as an agent and the two and a half of the training before that have him operating on instinct. he clocks in like he should and operates the best he can even though he feels more like he's drunk at work than anything. a co-worker notices this and pushes him to eat proper food and to drink something other than coffee or energy drinks. he's not too happu about that and his words are biting when he responds even if it is in agreement.
jihae feels himself pushing up and away from his chair rather roughly, fists clenched at his side in frustration. he feels himself taking a step away from the desk in the direction that will lead him to the cafeteria, the sensation of his head swimming, his knees buckling under his weight. he feels them caving, hears a shout, sees the office around him shift in height, and then all is black.
He feels stressed and annoyed just by thinking of having to go to the medical bay once again. He knows they’re also probably tired of seeing him there, but he’d feel a bit less upset if at least, he didn’t have to see Dr. Im again. But there’s nothing he can do, he has no choice when he goes to the fourth floor with a wound on his left arm.
Seojun had just gotten back from a mission, and despite being careful, he can’t help but get hurt often once he’s always way too close to the enemy. He’s not one of those agents that keep their distance, that are ready to shoot anytime they’re in danger. His only weapons are his fists and two knives, of course he’s more probable to get hurt than some of the other agents. It’s part of his job, to risk his life like that.
But he’s experienced, he knows how to deal with the danger of his missions, he knows how to fight back and that caused him to get a knife stuck on his arm --- which he quickly pulled out and used to stab the enemy in the abdomen.
And now there he is: making his way to the medical bay by himself ( because he refused to be accompanied, it was only a little cut, he could do it just fine ) while holding tight onto his bleeding arm, trying to contain it a little too late once the floor was already tainted with blood splatters. Once he’s in the medical area, he looks around and takes a deep breath when he sees the only open door in the corridor.
The sign on the wall reads, “Dr. Im Doyoon, General Practitioner” and Seojun breathes out a quiet curse before making his way to the room.
“Excuse me,” he says, “are you busy, Doyoon?”
Yes, he calls the doctor by his first name. It’s something Seojun has been doing for a while, he doesn’t know if it bothers the other man in any way but he tries anyways. Call it childish or stupid, he doesn’t care.
“I’ve got a little something on my arm, might need some stitches.”
ask memes I : headcanons.🔫 — what’s your preferred weapon, why?
His hands and knives are Seojun’s favorite weapons. And the reason is very simple: it’s what gives him the best performance, it gives him more precision. He can shoot, he does a good job with firearms but he excels at physical combat --- it is his specialty.
👪 — what’s your relationship with your family? do you keep in touch?
Seojun has a really good relationship with his family, he visits them in Damyang whenever he has the chance to and it’s always a very happy and cheerful moment when they’re all together. His parents own a little restaurant, which is always full of tourists, and he always gets to help his mother in the kitchen or his father in the cashier.
🎨 — how do you spend your free time? do you have any hobbies?
He tends to spend his free time at home, resting or doing something that might distract him from his loneliness: like doodling random stuff, listening to music, cooking or drinking, or he just sits on his bed and gives some attention and love to Leon, the gecko. But depending on the situation and his mood, Seojun also likes to go outside and spend some time walking around, mostly at night, enjoying the weather and the view of the city.
