when his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens,
"Why god? Why me?"
and the thundering voice of god answered,
"there's just something about you that pisses me off."
jihae and youngjin are barely three months into dating when the inevitable happens. his boyfriend is called away for a mission that requires his presence and assistance for at least a week. it's a sting from a case that's had yongjin tense for the longest while, one that even jihae hasn't been able to distract him from fully. he's still a trainee for nis, still having to sleep in the dorms on nights he doesn't go to yongjin's, and therefore he isn't privy to all the information, but yongjin has told him things here and there. it's enough to know that nailing the criminals resposible is important to yongjin.
it's not enough to keep him from worrying himself sick over his boyfriend's well-being, however.
the thing that probably bugs him most about it is that it isn't even the first time since they met one another that yongjin is having to go away. before now, there would be days at a time he wouldn't see the other man, disappointment and concern ringing in the back of his mind, but it's nothing compared to now when the mere thought of yongjin and the mission and the outcome has his insides twisting. the only difference is that before yongjin had been a friend he'd secretly crushed on while now, he's his lover and someone he's undoubtedly head over heels for. it sounds shallow thinking that way but he can't help it-- the closer they've gotten, the more jihae wants yongjin's presence to be a static fixture in his life.
he thinks yongjin has similar thoughts.
in the days leading up to his boyfriend's trip, they're practically inseparable. every spare moment is spent with one another, meals are eaten together if yongjin's work schedule allows for it. jihae practically moves into yongjin's apartment for the time being because he wants to ensure that the first and last thing he sees in the day is yongjin's face, eyes memorizing his every feature while he clings to him under their cocoon of blankets, the only space between them is when nyx wiggles her way into bed. he feels dramatic for being like this, but if yongjin has any complaints over it then he doesn't voice them-- he's simply still himself and jihae appreciates the normalcy even if he notices that yongjin's smile doesn't always reach his eyes when he talks about the trip.
the day for yongjin to leave finally arrives and it's much too fast for jihae's liking. he's sitting on the edge of yongjin's bed, nyx perched in his lap and his fingers running through her soft fur, the both of them watching as yongjin packs for the mission. it's a simple go bag, something they've been taught in training to always have ready for sudden missions (even hackers need one), and he knows yongjin well enough by now to realize he's stalling for time-- the bag had already been packed and ready for this morning when he'd arrived at the apartment last night. he appreciates it, appreciates these final few minutes he has with yongjin even if it's spent watching him re-fold the same shirt three different times. it's not even one of yongjin's-- it's his.
"angel?" jihae calls but the moment yongjin looks his way, his throat closes up, tight with emotion. he doesn't want him to go but he can't make him stay either. he and the other man just stare at each other, gazes locked, both of them seemingly trying to memorized one another. it feels like something out of a drama and jihae wonders when he got so desperate, so involved, that yongjin doing a job he had when they met terrifies the hell out of him.
the answer does't really matter. jihae allows himself to fall prey to the swell of the emotion. he nudges nyx out of his lap and stands up, quickly closing the distance between himself yongjin, arms looping tight around his lover the moment he's within reach. they bury their faces against one another's necks, and as much as he protests being the shorter of the two, right now he indulges in yongjin's taller frame and how it engulfs him.
"i'll miss you..." it's said at the same time, drawing a laugh from the both of them and jihae isn't crying, but there's stinging in the backs of his eyes. he sniffles and hugs onto yongjin tighter. he tries to think of something to make this better, to ease them both, and comes up blank every time until one thought hits him with enough impact to draw him away from the embrace to yongjin's confusion.
"jiji...?"
jihae fingers are shaking slightly as he grabs at the chain around his neck, pulling up and over his head. he takes one of yongjin's hands and gently sets the necklace in it, letting him see the object hanging from it is a ring. "this isn't me proposing-- it's too early for that." he jokes, sniffling again as he stares at the ring lying in his boyfriend's palm. "my mom-- my real mom... she gave me her wedding ring before she left. it was the most expensive thing she ever owned. it took a year of dad's savings to afford it because he wanted to give her a ring on their wedding day. it's the only thing i have left of them." he explains softly, eyes finally lifting to yongjin's.
"jiji, no-- i'm not taking this from you--" yongjin starts, trying to press the item back into jihae's hand, his expression torn at the thought.
jihae resists it, instead folding yongjin's fingers over the ring and holding them there. "take it... please. it's not even for you to permanently keep. i just..." he bites his lip, cheeks filling with warmth. yongjin always has him flustered. "it's precious to me... and you're precious to me. if you have this then i know you'll bring it back to me so then i'll have you and the ring back and everything will be right where it belongs again. so... take it and come back to me." he finishes, fidgeting in place, nervous for a different reason now.
any further protests never come, nothing does. jihae only knows the touch of yongjin's lips against his own and a tight embrace. and true, it doesn't cure his worry, doesn't change the fact he'll probably mope around in yongjin's apartment while his boyfriend is gone, but yongjin is good about keeping his promises. jihae isn't a man of faith in much, but he trusts yongjin to come back to him.
it’s only an hour into the party but jihae is already experiencing the sensation of the ounces of stress placed upon his shoulders (by himself, of course) melting away bit by bit. no surprise that it’s from the alcohol he’s consumed thus far, just enough to instill the most pleasant buzz in his mind. he’s taking it slow, purposely, for the sake of enjoying the night rather than diving headlong into drunken oblivion. he’ll do that later on so he can go home immediately after and fall into a dreamless sleep and awaken to the day off he desperately requires.
he’s in the middle of contemplating just what he could do tomorrow when the question reaches him, eyes drifting up lazily to hyemi, a slow grin gracing his lips. “it’s just fun, sweetheart.” he admits, eyebrows furrowing a second or two before he continues, “well, that and you’re easily flustered from things i say even when i’m not trying to tease you. ultimately though, it’s fun. you’re very cute when you blush.” he chuckles, taking a sip from his glass, the burn of the alcohol as it slips down his throat making him sigh. “but… if it makes you genuinely uncomfortable, just tell me and i’ll stop, i promise.”
the night is going well overall, jihae thinks, eyes staring down at the last little bit of liquor in his glass as he swirls it around. the party is doing it's job in keeping people entertained and their minds busy with interactions and games, thoughts far away from work-- at least mostly far away. he's sure the topic and it's associated questions are sure to follow, but for the most part everyone seems in a much lighter mood. he, himself, feels lighter and more like he's able to breathe a bit easier. this could be due to actually getting somewhat decent sleep again but he's not about to get ahead of himself.
thoughts of his ongoing battle with sleep and stress eventually leads him to thinking about the passing out incident which then leads him to... yongjin. his eyes find the other man, the action immediate because he's long since accepted the truth that there won't ever be a time he can't immediately pick him out of the crowd. it doesn't help that's the hacker has been aware of his presence the whole of the night no matter what. yongjin is sitting off to himself currently, nursing a glass, cheeks and nose rosy and eyes half-lidded with rising drunkenness. he's still every bit as beautiful as any other time, ethereal in a way that almost doesn't seem possible, and jihae remembers a time when acknowledging this would make his heart throb in his ribcage.
(it still does.)
jihae is taken back to not too long ago then, remembering waking up to yongjin sitting at his bedside in the agency's medbay, the worry and concern and pain on his features making jihae hurt too-- making him hate himself for ever causing it as if he hasn't caused him enough already. some part of him, regardless, had been happy to see the other agent, and because he's a weak man for a number of reasons, one of the top being yongjin himself regardless of their awkwardness and tiptoeing around one another in the months following their breakup, he'd ultimately agreed to the agent staying over the night following his release from the medbay. and he doesn't regret it. he can't find it in himself to do so no matter what, the same part of him clinging to the shred of normalcy that had been yongjin staying over, nyx in tow and purring the moment she's seen him, armed with food and the gentle, albeit cautious, concern for his wellbeing.
(he doesn't regret allowing himself that moment of breaking down, them sharing tears, and an embrace so warm he hadn't realized just how icy he'd felt down in his soul until that exact moment.)
drinking probably isn't a good idea at a party like this where he's around yongjin. he gets too pensive, thinking about things and getting more emotional over them than he should. but it's happened and he can't exactly take it back now, not when his mind is pleasantly fuzzy and buzzy and he can finally squirm past his own defenses. he readily does it, of course, and pushes himself to his feet, managing to stay somewhat steady as he makes his way past his other co-workers over to yongjin, pausing a few inches from the table. "penny for your thoughts?" he asks, lamely, but he stays his ground, head cocked to the side as he looks at him.
it’s an empty corridor, the offices are vacant because of the briefing and the lunch break. yongjin must have not realized how rushed he was, because suddenly they are alone, and very close — and he feels his heartbeat picking up. a sudden bout of embarrassment threatens to make its place known, but he has more pressing matters on hand, so he simply lets go of jihae’s arm slowly, and meets his eyes. his own concern is visible to the whole world to see and he really needs to know how the younger is faring. “jihae- are you okay? i — i’m so sorry — this just sucks and all i could think about was —” realizing he is stepping into a danger zone, he quietens as he utters the last words, taking a pause before continuing. “i just… i wanted to know if you were alright.”
once the speech is over, jihae bolts for the door as soon as possible. he needs to get out and away, needs to get somewhere he can take a fucking breath, preferably one that doesn’t give him fifty percent of the oxygen he needs because it’s busy being trapped inside of his lungs. he hates the feeling and a tiny part of his brain mocks him for acting dramatic. he’s taunted inwardly how this won’t affect him as much as he fears it will, that he’s just being irrational in this moment. logically he knows it’s right but that way of thinking isn’t helping him-- the idea of getting out of the building is however.
he’s so completely entangled within his thoughts that the touch on his arm shocks a gasp out of him, body twisting almost violently in the direction of the person who’d done it. he comes face to face with none other than yongjin and jihae would laugh at the irony of it, that it’s youngjin during this moment of all others, if he had it in him to do so right now. as such, he doesn’t, and he can’t even find his own voice to protest, body instead relenting to youngjin almost instinctively and allowing him to guide him elsewhere. he’d asked to get away and this is what he’s gotten and the hacker can’t even fathom a way to complain against it.
the corridor they finally pause in is quiet, soothing the bees buzzing furiously in his thoughts slowly but surely. he comes back to his senses somewhat, attention fully focusing on yongjin, on their close proximity, the closest they’ve been in months since then. jihae shakes the thought away, however, because there are other matters that need his attention far more than lingering on his and yongjin’s breakup even if it sends a spike through his chest all over again. he switches gears the best he can, about to ask why yongjin’s pulled him away when the answer comes from yongjin himself.
ah.
part of him wants to laugh again and another part of him wants to cry because of course, of course, yongjin would come to him. in spite of always trying to play off his stressors getting to him, the other agent could always pick up on them-- it’s practically a gift. it’s one he almost wishes yongjin didn’t possess right now, not when he feels more than a little raw, but he’d be lying if he said there wasn’t a part of him grateful to the other’s presence right now. he feels the tiniest bit more grounded and less like he’s drifting on the wind.
“i’m fine, an-- i’m fine.” he replies, stumbling over his words a moment, mouth and brain losing connectivity just long enough for instinct to almost take over again. he can’t call him that anymore, he knows this. “just… a lot of things to think about, yeah? the coming months are going to be hell…” he murmurs, wiping his sweaty palms on his work slacks, eyes drifting from yongjin to their surroundings briefly only to be pulled back once more, “how… are you holding up?”
jihae clocks out after fourteen hours at work, his head throbbing and eyes straining, not from his computer but from the multitude of forms and documents he’s had to comb through and enter into the database. it’s not the most difficult task in the world-- just overly tedious. he’d gotten it done nevertheless and with a bit of extra padding to his paycheck to boot so it isn’t all bad. some painkillers and several hours of uninterrupted sleep will still be much appreciated and preferred before he he has to go in tomorrow though.
thankfully, the journey back to his apartment building isn’t an overly extended one.
when he’d been apartment hunting, he’d purposefully tried find something close to work because even though he may not seem like he’s aware he overexerts himself, he knows he does. a long trip back and to just isn’t ideal so something close to work, a literal bus ride away, for a little bit more in the rent than he might’ve gotten elsewhere is pretty perfect in his opinion. it’s taken him a bit to settle into the routine of it all, but he has it down now. on late nights like tonight, he sets his phone to go off a couple of minutes before his stop comes up and dozes on the bus. he wakes up at the right time, signals his stop, and gets off the bus and makes the short walk to his apartment building where he greets the person working the front desk for the night. then it’s onto the elevator and up to the fifteenth floor and into his apartment.
by the time he’s on the last step of his journey and standing in front of his apartment, he’s exhausted and his head feels ready explode. just the tinkling of metal meeting metal as he pulls out his keys is jarring so he unlocks his door as quick as possible and shoves them back into his pocket as he steps inside. while usually he’d order dinner and watch television or play a game, this time he heads straight for his bathroom to get pain meds, pops a couple of them and swallows them down using a handful of water he gets from the tap. he half-heartedly dries his hand off on the nearby towel and then strips out of his work clothes, yanking on his sleep pants afterward. when he finally makes it to his bed, he promptly crawls under the covers, and it may take a few more moments than it actually feels, but he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
now, ideally, jihae would prefer to sleep the whole night through even at the risk of being ravenous and bearing a headache of hunger rather than one from strain. but idealism has never gotten him anywhere, not really, and it doesn’t this time, especially not when the sound of loud classic rock music jolts him awake and away from the sweet serenity and bliss of deep sleep.
he scrambles to instantly slap his pillow over his ears, head tilting some and eyes bleary as they dart to his clock to check the time, noting he’s only been asleep for about three hours. it’s long enough to have gotten rid of his headache but not near enough to completely satisfy his need for sleep. he curses to himself and burrows back under his pillow, intending to ride it out and deal. his neighbor has been loud before, but usually jihae manages to block it out via putting on his headphones or just simply blocking it out or even enjoying the sounds. this time, however, he can’t seem to, the percussion of the drums seemingly vibrating throughout his skeletal system.
he groans and pulls himself out of his hiding, climbing off the bed and locating a shirt that’s clean that he tugs on over his bare torso. his footsteps are quick as he storms through his apartment to exit it, heading the short distance down to his neighbor’s door. he proceeds to knock furiously on the door to get the occupant’s attention, trying and failing to reign in the steadily rising irritation. “can you keep it down in there?!”
it's lunchtime and jihae is once again choosing to stay at his computer rather than leave it today. though he intends on working throughout his lunch hour, but he's not without a meal unlike other times. he's been ravenous for most of the morning and while his protein bars usually help stave off the hunger, today the beast that is his stomach is alive and well and unwilling to be tamed until given proper sustenance. he'd left his desk long enough to grab the dosirak he'd gotten from the convenience store he passes on his way from the bus stop to work and returned afterward.
the meal itself isn't bad in the least. homemade will always trump all but this is perfect for what he needs today in terms of allowing him to work and eat at the same time. the work he's doing right now is, admittedly, not begging for immediate attention but jihae wants to get a head start on it. it's easy stuff, for him at least, because it's just updating servers and security measures on some areas that need it-- he could do this in his sleep.
he's just finished tying his meal in a bag when he hears the door open behind him, footsteps approaching him only to pause. he gives it a moment or two and then asks, "what can the all-seeing oracle help you with today?" shifting slightly in his seat to look at the new occupant of the room, his eyes land on the lone figure of the young woman gazing around, hands empty, and honestly looking a bit lost. he recognizes her as one of the new linguists and offers a smile, "you okay there, hon?"
while he is indeed a caffeine addict to the extreme, jihae still knows when to call it quits and get the sleep he needs even if he'd rather streamline any and all caffeine sources into his veins and keep going. gone are the days he would push himself to stay up for twenty-four straight hours, pressurization making his eyeballs feel close to bulging out of his head, muscles tense, and mind replaying the same coding over and over until he passed out at his desk. he's all too happy to lose familiarization with the side effects of sleep deprivation and leave them in the dust. nis training had straightened him up in his habits and even if he is a workaholic to his very core, he's tried bettering himself the best he can.
stress is a cruel, cold-hearted bastard, however, and his mistress is insomnia, a bitch that jihae only consider a frenemy at best.
since the announcement from lee kiyoung, he's been pushing himself to do better, to make himself seem as valuable an asset and as loyal to the agency as possible. logically speaking, he shouldn't have anything to worry about, but logicistics aren't helping him. his head feels as if it's on the chopping block, especially with a polygraph around the corner at some point for him. he's trying to ready himself for it and for any other questionings he might have ahead of him, constantly wracking his brain for anything he may have done that might work against him. when he thinks of none, however, he just repeats the process.
he pays for this mentality. any dreams he has quickly become nightmares about being locked up in a cage, hand reaching for the people he's grown close to who represent just one of many reasons he values his freedom now. his usual escape to the tub in his bathroom doesn't help, too restless by then to get proper rest, so he spends all of his time on his computer. looking through files of cases he's helped on to make sure everything is on the up and up would look too suspicious so to resist the temptation he finds other things to do. he winds up building a second computer from spare parts, downloads the appropriate software and customizes it for gaming even though his other computer is perfectly capable of handling whatever he chooses to do on it. when he finishes that, he dismantles it and starts again.
his tunnel vision gives him a strange sense of time. he loses track of it but his habits of the last year and a half as an agent and the two and a half of the training before that have him operating on instinct. he clocks in like he should and operates the best he can even though he feels more like he's drunk at work than anything. a co-worker notices this and pushes him to eat proper food and to drink something other than coffee or energy drinks. he's not too happu about that and his words are biting when he responds even if it is in agreement.
jihae feels himself pushing up and away from his chair rather roughly, fists clenched at his side in frustration. he feels himself taking a step away from the desk in the direction that will lead him to the cafeteria, the sensation of his head swimming, his knees buckling under his weight. he feels them caving, hears a shout, sees the office around him shift in height, and then all is black.
LOCATION. NIS FIRST FLOOR OFFICES.
TIME. 2237. THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 2019.
PERSONNEL. @nsjihae.
TIGHTLY - COILED FRAME creaking the chair beneath him, yul’s lips are pulled in TAUT in his closest approximation of a grimace. though he hardly shows his distaste towards leadership, this PARTNERSHIP ( if it could even be called THAT ) was a product of NIS’s NOUVEAU RÉGIME. a clear sign, in yul’s opinion, why it WASN’T WORKING OUT. in yul’s eyes, he’s as ADAPTABLE as they come. the PERFECT AGENT, ready to chameleon himself into any situation.
and then there’s SEO JIHAE. yul cannot call him the BANE of HIS EXISTENCE, for kwon yul does not care about ANYONE enough to label them such a thing. but perhaps there is something close —- an INTELLIGENCE AGENT that doesn’t understand when yul has everything UNDER CONTROL.
it’s this lack of AWARENESS that has them here now, yul scowling as he tries to figure out what the other will say during their briefing. yul’s arm is in a SLING ; while the mission was a SUCCESS ( when is it not, with yul ? ), it is an indication of COMPLICATIONS. and yul cannot stand that for the life of him.
❝ THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT. ❞ not a question, not an order. a statement of FACT, as far as yul is concerned. onyx orbs dart to the other in his periphery, daring to be challenged.
jihae sits with his arms crossed firmly across his chest, head tilted, gaze pointedly looking everywhere but at the other male in the room with him. he doesn’t need to even glance his way, not really, because he can feel the disdain rolling off of yul in waves. mission debriefings are necessary but neither of them want to be here, right now, in the same proximity as one another. he can think of a million other things and mindless tasks he’d rather do than this.
to clarify, it’s not the debriefing that is the problem, but the person he finds himself having to be in the company of to do it. yul is a good agent, one of the best even by jihae’s own admittance, but he’s also overconfident. generally he tends to like thinking he can get along with most anyone. yul, however, is at the bottom of the list if only because he thinks he can do everything by himself, disregarding clearly specified instructions and getting himself in trouble needlessly. the stark white sling yul’s arm is currently in stands as a testament to this.
and yet…
“you know, you keep saying that, but i don’t think you’re comprehending that it was.” jihae snaps, head turning to look at him, lips pursed as he eyes the sling. “i told you about the timer. it’s not my fault you ignored it.”
Haewon’s eyes lit up as she spotted the familiar face, heels clacking against the floor as she made her way across the room, dropping inconspicuously into the chair beside her co-worker’s and sliding it closer to where he sat. “Hey—” she said simply in greeting, offering a half-hearted smile. “You busy right now?” Haewon hardly even left him any time to answer before getting right to the point. “You don’t happen to know anything about the Kim Syndicate based in Changwon, do you?”
jihae is two cups of strong coffee into the morning to pep him up and carry him through the paperwork and literal info dump that greeted him the moment he opened up his work email. he usually favors spacing out his caffeine intake but last night found him in a shitty way that had him sleeping and waking up in his bathtub. the crick in his shoulder and neck is relentless, but he’s at work, he’s alert, and he’s eager to lose himself down the rabbit hole of information in his computer. regretfully, his lunch break might be devoted to a nap yet again.
he’s barely opened an email regarding a case that recently closed that he’d assisted on and is in need of some extra paperwork from him when he hears the creaking of a chair near him. his head turns to see the half smiling features of his co-worker and he thinks she might have had it rough last night at some point but he isn’t one to assume that sort of thing. his lips part to answer her question only for them to press together when she continues on anyway, an eyebrow raising at the follow up question. well, now.
“the kim syndicate?” he echoes, retracing his memory when the words sit on his tongue in a familiar way. it’s not long when something clicks inside of his head, remembering the name from before his training at nis, when he’d been hiring himself out to various people who wanted to ante up their security measures for extra cash. he’d purposely avoided any and all gangs if he could help it-- talk isn’t so cheap if it saves your ass.
“i’ve heard of them, definitely, doll.” jihae answers finally, eyebrows furrowing in thought as he makes a few quick clicks into the police database to search for them. “they’re most well known for trafficking drugs, but they’re involved in some other shady shit too that police haven’t bothered with very much because of the other “more dangerous”,” he air quotes the words with a soft scoff, “gangs in the area. on paper they actually look rather bland, nothing special. there’s the occasional arrest for drug peddling, shoplifting, and assaults here and there. however,” he looks at haewon briefly, unable to help wondering why the sudden inquiry, but he continues even so, voice a bit softer so only she can hear, “i heard a couple of rumors once that they have more crimes under their belt that are going unnoticed simply because the police think it’s the other gangs and they’re taking advantage of it.”
jihae can’t escape faster from the nis main building. lee kiyoung’s speech has been over for some time, a long time, and yet the words still echo inside of his bones almost. the changes and investigational upheaval to be arriving in the coming months has him on edge just thinking about and as much as he wishes he could forget about it, he can’t. some of those changes have already taken place, familiar faces gone and replaced, and while those actions aren’t taken lightly and while it’s been done as subtly as possible, things seem all the more off kilter for it. he feels off for certain and in need of some air and some time to just let everything settle in his head.
the settling can come later, however, because what he really needs is a distraction.
his feet seem to get the memo before the rest of him can catch up, a destination already set and he’s just along for the ride. the path becomes instantly familiar as he follows it, his frazzled mind slowly piecing together more cognitive thought until he realizes where he’s going, a place he’d lived until only a few months ago himself. the dormitories. he knows specifically where he’s going once he’s inside, not headed to his old room but in the opposite direction, down the hallways to a different door.
minji.
he’s not surprised that quartermaster has entered his thoughts. she’s like a younger sister to him, the two of them having grown close little by little since they’d been paired together during her specialized training. if he’s feeling uneasy, he can’t begin to fathom what must be on her mind with the death of park jaekwang and all that’s followed since. especially after today’s announcement.
he knocks gently on her door, waiting a beat before calling out, remembering that she might not even be here, but he wants to first anyway. “chipmunk? it’s me, jihae… are you there?”
jihae is nestled between two clear panels of bulletproof glass on his left and right, stark white wall at his back and a target in front of him. he’s been staring down the paper man with targeted circles on his front for the past fifteen minutes-- at least he thinks it’s been that long but time is a foreign concept to him currently. a gun is settled in front of him on the thin counter, a standard issue with nothing special about it, the sight of it mocking him ever since he first placed it there, gentle in setting it down despite how it felt as if he’d been burned by it touching his skin. it urges him now to pick it up and use it, but the mere thought of it has him freezing in place.
it’s funny in hindsight, not really but almost, because before joining as an nis trainee, jihae had promised himself he’d never pick up a gun for any reason. he’d grown up around them too much already with the officials he’d deliver packages to and who’d roam in and out of his home as if they belonged there carrying them, separating them from his family and from everyone. he’d watched his father fall dead, bloodied and full of holes, because of them. he’d fired one at age eleven to protect his mother and himself, taking the life of not only their assailant but the last shred of innocence he had. he remembers the ringing, ear-piercing sounds of every shot, the way they reverberated through his entire body, the smell of blood and hot metal. he’d thought he’d escaped having anything to do with them. but he can’t, not when he and his fellow trainees have to acquaint themselves with them, not when his freedom rides on it.
it doesn’t stop the anxiety of picking one up again.
he just barely manages to fake it during the drills he’s put through, managing to block out everything if only because of the noise canceling ear protectors, a pair of which hang loosely around his neck. he needs to get over this hesitation if he intends to pass the evaluations that will determine his passing into the next set of training. he could tell yongjin but the man already helps so much with helping him exercise and pass the more strenuous physical parts in addition to being an agent with his own responsibilities-- he feels guilty even thinking about getting more help.
“shit,” he curses to himself and subsequently almost jumps out of his skin when he hears the nearby door open, promptly slamming himself into the glass wall next to him and banging his shoulder, another soft string of curses escaping him.
jihae stands among the crowd of his fellow agents, gaze focused ahead on the form of one lee kiyoung as he stands at the podium. he thinks he can count on one hand how many times he’s seen him since his initiation into his position. still, he has to hand it to the man for being capturing the attention of his fellow peers so easily, charisma flowing from him in waves, and he’d admire it more if the circumstances were better. as it is, he doesn’t, focus instead on the words that leave him and another reminder of the tensions that have recently befallen the agency. the fact that it’s worse than people once would have thought leave him more rigid in the place he stands.
and jihae has noticed some changes in the presences surrounding him. he may be primarily absorbed in his computer or laptop or phone ninety-nine point nine percent of the time he’s at work but he notices things. he has since he was little and even onward after he was wrapped in a blanket of safety, when a simple hobby deviated to something criminal. looking over your shoulder, being aware of your surroundings, and suspicious of the people you associate with comes in handy-- paranoia serves one well if used correctly. so he’s picked up on the new faces and hasn’t missed how kang myungsoo, a loving, proud father of his son (pictures of him everywhere) and a man who’s worked as a security guard since he first joined, is now gone and there’s not a trace of him left behind. he can’t even begin to comprehend what part he might’ve played in the death of lee kiyoung’s predecessor and to be honest, he doesn’t want to.
(some part of him, a tiny part that attempts to be optimistic in spite of the neverending sharp cynical edge to his psyche, hopes that the man just fucked up and talked himself into unemployment.)
the tension in the room slowly develops into something almost suffocating, the warning disguised but no less palpable. his palms become clammy with sweat, stomach giving a lurch as the words ‘polygraph’ and ‘evaluation’ and ‘frequent’ roam freely inside of his head, taunting him with their presence. he’s never done well with the pressure of evaluations, always feeling as if he’s atlas carrying the world (his world but a world nonetheless) on his shoulders whenever they’re lingering in the distance. logically, he knows he has nothing to be concerned over because the idea of murdering someone in cold blood sickens him and the last person in the world he’d want to do that to would be park jaekwang when the man had ‘okay’ed his acceptance into nis in the first place. that matters little right now when the agency is in disarray and everyone is on watch for the next sign of disloyalty, his own mind questioning if his criminal background will single him out as one for extra scrutiny, for someone to wonder if he’s fallen off the proverbial horse.
changes are coming, tests of loyalty are coming, and though he has done nothing worthy of suspicion, knows this without a doubt, seo jihae is worried and terrified nonetheless.
jihae's eyes flick back and forth between each of the screens in front of him, inwardly criticizing the taste of whoever had it installed. it's grainy and black and white to boot, a sign of someone who doesn't care about who's necessarily caught on the camera so long as it's catching someone where they don't belong. he's surprised given it's a crimelord attempting to make a name for himself. being cheap about his security is going to cause him problems-- namely death and no one can come back from that.
he almost snorts at the thought, but the soft, pacing footsteps of the quartermaster stops him. at the very least the thought has eased off the rising tension in his mind, gaze landing on the form of yongjin as the male agent ventures through the winding corridors of the building. the clandestine is getting closer and closer to their target and the thought makes him bite on his thumbnail. in spite of the fact that he's assisted on countless missions with the man (he's lying to himself to himself-- he keeps count of every single one) and their dynamic tragically shifting months ago, he still can't shake his nerves whenever he's monitoring the other, worry causing more jitters than a diet of nothing but energy drinks ever could. everything has to go well. it has to.
he carefully clicks through each camera's feed, allowing the quartermaster and himself to follow along with yongjin. he's getting closer and closer to the den where the crimelord holds his meetings, one of which is today, but heightened security and all the bodyguards in the world are no match for a determined and sneaky yongjin. it's when he gets to a feed of the last hallway that his breath catches, belatedly realizing that the feed is down for several cameras.
"shit, cameras are down for the basement level," he hisses to the quartermaster and yongjin as he quickly tries entering a few commands, hoping they're just in need of a reset, but it's to no avail. they have eyes only on the top floor now and not the basement area where they need it most and jihae hears himself cursing the cheapskates under his breath, heartbeat quickening in his chest. "we only have you in our ears now, yongjin. i'll keep working on the feed though." he says as the quartermaster tells yongjin to wait for backup. he sneakily uses his text program to message yongjin's phone because he knows him, knows him better than he knows himself most days, and he knows what he'll be thinking.
