casfelldown: of course! i used to do that a lot too but if i want to read one fic before bed then a 120k monstrosity is just a guaranteed road to self-loathing tbh
fun fact: sociopaths often end up on top of the food chains in working relationships. Anyways, if you really want to know you’ll need a professional; maybe ask yourself if it really matters if someone (who is morally obliged to keep quiet) knows?
I'm gonna put this under readmore mainly because I'm pretty sure that is where my psychological problems belong yo :U (this is me analyzing myself and possibly creepy or triggering or who knows what so yeah you don't have to read this and you have been warned)
I am well aware! Which is why I'd personally tend towards Sociopathy. Sociopaths (pure ones, I'm saying... the difference between Socio- and Psychopaths runs along a spectrum more than clear differences) are more known for being controlled and to their own, as well as not letting anybody know what they don't want others to know. Psychopaths are known to be more flamboyant or outgoing about their issues, often angry and working with a less controlled temper. Because of this, Sociopaths usually know how to get far while Psychopaths, in need of showing off in a way, simply fail to 'hide' or 'blend in' as well as the former.
That's why I'd consider myself more of a Sociopath with... tendencies. I have a very, very bad temper, but it explodes so very rarely most people don't know. I'm really more controlled for the most part... except for when I do get angry, then I have huge problems with aggression. The reasons I'd say I have psychopathic tendencies is a violence issue though. Psychopaths are simply much more prone to extreme violent outbursts. Both Socio- and Psychopaths often get involved in criminal behavior, but with Psychopaths it is usually violent crimes whereas Sociopaths keep to other things. That's why I'd say I have strong psychopathic tendencies... the idea of the thrill of crime (more of a Sociopath thing) isn't something I can't relate to, but it's much more the thrill of violence to me. Murder and kidnap+torture is my brand of crime, to put it simply. And while I do have a perfectionist streak that would very much put focus on well-thought out planning and good execution, it really is the thrill of violence that drives me to it in the first place.
It's the plotting I'd want to be admired for, the thought I need an audience for, but it's still the violence that fulfills me. I need it. I need to let it out. I need to crush someone. I need to shatter a fragile human being, I need to feel that exhilaration of holding someone by their throat. I have never seen a corpse before, never really seen much blood before. These are things I need to know. All these social boundaries, so wired into the human brain... I want to break them. Just walk over and kill someone because it breaks this system. I want to know what it feels like to shatter bones, to have blood on your hands, how a knife moves and tears through flesh and muscle; I want to know what it feels like to literally see someone's eyes dull and life just leave them. I want to make someone scream. It interests me, it does, it's fascinating, but I also feel like I'm missing something and that would fill me. It's a bit of a need, sometimes.
That's why I'm just very torn. On one hand, I want to be successful, I want to fool everybody, I want to play this charade and win. I want to figure everybody out and let no one know me, I want to remain superior. On the other hand, I want recognition. I want people to think me great - whether it's positive or negative attention really doesn't matter as long as it's big. I want to be admired and/or feared. I want people to know. I want them to be awed. I'm... conflicted.
I know I would need a professional, but I refuse. I'm... not sure how I can explain it, but it's just an absolute no from me. I have a superiority complex. A god complex. I have pride that will be the death of me one day (As an example: Should I ever commit a perfectly planned crime that no one can solve/get me for, I would wait for a while until it was clear that I won and then... tell somebody. Anybody. Anybody that it would impress. I would have to post about it, about the perfection that went into it. That make sense?) I absolutely refuse. They are not allowed to know. Therapists are easy. I have toyed with them since I was 12, they were never much of a challenge. So therapist or psychiatrist or whatever... I absolutely refuse to let anybody that pathetic get even a hint of things they have no right to know. They have no right, and that's that. That is one part of it. It's just not fair. Humans generally are so stupid and simple and worthless and pitiful and I... I know that means I am too, I won't deny it, but I still refuse to let anybody in unless they've proven they're worth it.
To me, being honest and open is not standard. My standard with the things I say are lies or ambiguity. I say what needs to be said, I respond both with words and actions and the way I present myself, in just the way the situation warrants. Well, how the situation warrants, and of course in ways that will benefit me. Truth from me comes either when it doesn't matter, or as a privilege. Hiding things is my standard. I do not spill until it is proven needed. That is why I absolutely cannot 'just tell some therapist', they haven't earned it. Well... and the other part is of course that I think with the possible severity of this, I would get in trouble or be assigned 'help' and what not. I certainly don't need therapy and people trying to 'fix' me, egh.
well I was thinking you are adorable right but you keep arguing that you’re actually ferocious and so I thought I’d make you adorable /and/ feral (and Australian) - so bush rat was the logical conclusion
EXCUSE YOU I AM FEROCIOUS
That explanation actually makes a lot of sense though... so I'm not sure I can protest.
can I not be a kiwi kiwis are cute but also killer
