today's meditation was super special. this week I'm practing humility, gratitude and respect, and non-conceitedness. I'm very much aware of how prideful I can be.
this has always come from a place of low self-esteem, as if it were a solution to feelings of inferiority. but pride is a trap, it doesn't cure anything, quite the opposite.
during meditation proud thoughts popped into my head, perhaps even more than usual and with more force, and for the first time I was able to remember the teaching "I am not my thoughts". wow. i'm not my thoughts.
you know, i've been practicing meditation for at least 5 years and last year i went through a terrible identity crisis. i tried to solve everything just by meditating and i ignored the fact that the energy we receive during this process serves as fertilizer for EVERYTHING that exists within us. everything, no matter good or bad. that's exactly why i started to feel like a fraud, like a terrible person: i was trying to be a better and spiritual person, but at the same time i was throwing light and fertilizer on all my shadows.
character-building (also known as 5 virtues) means that your habits and patterns must be refined to the point where, when you receive divine energy during meditation, only beneficial aspects will be amplified. it's not easy, but it's certainly better than what happened to me last year.
i asked the tarot what i should practice today, what i should focus on to achieve spiritual enlightenment and:
(this is very interesting, I'll definitely learn more about the meaning of the colors red and yellow in tarot)
