#o.a.b

[death-by-paperwork]

P.S.A from the O.A.B

"Hello Gertrude here with an important announcement for all new members of the Otherworldly Affairs Bureau. Our mission is to keep every supernatural entity under our umbrella safe and accounted for Now, listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. You know what's scarier than me on a Sunday night wearing only a bra and a mud mask? Unprotected supernatural sex. Yeah, I said it.

I know you're all hot and bothered with those amazing bodies and shapeshifting abilities, but let me tell you, it ain't worth the risk. Take it from my girl Mary, the mold witch. She had a thing for luring mortals into her "bedroom of doom," where they'd become part of her freakin' mushroom garden. (The 60s were a wild time) Anyway, talk about taking the whole "eat, pray, love" thing to the next level, am I right?

Now Mary also had many conquests with other supernatural beings and don't even get me started on her mythical creature conquests....she was a bit of a wierd slut. But let's just say, things got a little too hot to handle. The Magical Accident Department was up to their eyeballs in messes thanks to Mary... So, let's all be responsible adults and practice safe supernatural sex, okay? Trust me, you don't wanna be the one with a mushroom growing outta your hooha.So wrap it up, or else I'll be seeing your face on the shame board in the break room.

[death-by-paperwork]

O.A.B Services application.

Thank you for applying to The Otherworldly Affairs Bureau. We here at the O.A.B assist supernatural entities of all kinds with our comprehensive services. As our client, you do not have to worry about navigating the complexities of the supernatural world alone. Our team of experienced professionals is dedicated to ensuring that your needs are met with the utmost care and attention to detail.

To begin the application process, please fill out the following form in its entirety. Once completed, please submit the form to us at your earliest convenience. We look forward to the opportunity to work with you and provide you with the highest level of service and support.

Full Name:

Entity Designation:

Date of Birth:

Place of Birth:

Current Residence:

Occupation:

Physical Description

Height:

Weight:

Eyes:

Hair, Horns, etc..:

Skin, Scales, etc...:

Build:

Distinctive Features:

Skills/Abilities

Special Abilities:

Other Skills:

Would you like to be considered for a job opportunity at the O.A.B?

[Y] [N]

By signing below you verify the information you submitted is correct and accurate.

_________________________

Thank you for taking the time to complete this application. Our team will review your information and be in touch with you shortly. If you have any questions or concerns in the meantime, please do not hesitate to reach out to us. We look forward to working with you!

[fashionablyenigmatic]

Alt!

Thank you for contacting the Otherworldly Affairs Bureau. This is Gertrude Becht speaking... Oh, hello, Pins! How’s Needles? Still writing that gossip column? Yeah, Impish Desires. I haven’t heard from you since you transferred to that warp dimension. I was worried you might have been crushed... Oh, you were almost crushed? Multiple times? I’m so sorry. I did warn you those beings are much larger, but you insisted. So, you want another transfer... No? Oh, so you do like it there. Lotta gossip, huh?..."

"...Oh, but they mostly trade in skulls where you are? Must be a difficult economy. I could ask Financial to help adjust for trading skulls for you. I mean, you would be classified as a supernatural being who needs assistance in a chaos realm, but that help will only go so far. You know what? I’ll have a talk with Mrs. Dell to see about getting you a safety pocket dimension key, but the waitlist is 1-2 weeks Earth time...."

....I thought you might like that. Oh, yes, please sign me up to resubscribe to Impish Desires. I think your horoscope writer is just so clev— Oh, they got squished? No... no, still sign me up, sweetheart."

[death-by-paperwork]

Subject: Official Memo - Submission Protocol for Formal and Informal Complaints Regarding Displacement of Aquatic Entities by Otherworld Affairs Bureau (O.A.B)

The Otherworld Affairs Bureau (O.A.B) hereby issues a formal communication to all relevant stakeholders regarding the initiation of the reception process for both formal and informal complaint forms. This procedural step has been undertaken in response to a series of events resulting in the displacement of diverse aquatic entities, including, but not confined to, merpeople, Sea Monsters of communicative verity, Sea witches, Pirates of cursed verity, and various other aquatic entities accorded protection under the purview of the Otherworld Affairs Bureau.

It is imperative to duly note and adhere to the regulatory provisions stipulating that solely those entities possessing valid registration under the Otherworld Affairs Bureau are entitled to submit their respective complaint forms. Entities failing to fulfill the registration criteria will unfortunately bear witness to the expeditious and irreversible destruction of their complaint form, executed overtly to ensure absolute transparency and accountability.

The Otherworld Affairs Bureau expresses its sincere appreciation for your anticipated cooperation in this matter. Your expeditious compliance with this procedural mandate is pivotal to the seamless execution of our investigatory processes. We extend our gratitude for your understanding and strict adherence to these official directives.

[death-by-paperwork]

Dealing with the aftermath of the Alien congress hearing.

"Ladies and gentlemen, let's all take a deep breath and relax. Firstly, this whole Alien congress thing is just a wacky sideshow for humans. They're still blissfully ignorant about you, so no need to worry. The guy blabbering about aliens has zero concrete evidence, so you're safe and sound.

Now, for our lovely extraterrestrial clients residing in the good ol' United States (I know, weird choice), the O.A.B has your back. We'll be sending you a nifty pamphlet on how to deal with conspiracy theorists. And remember, the golden rule is to steer clear of them at all costs. No engaging, folks!

For those aliens who decide to break the rules, revealing your true forms in public or forgetting the basics of our U.F.I.P (universalized falsified identification program), brace yourselves for a mandatory educational PowerPoint session led by none other than Gertrude. Trust me, you wouldn't want to miss that 'educational' experience.

If you have any more queries, just shoot them to Gertrude in the inbox. She's our go-to gal for all inhuman services."

[death-by-paperwork]

Meanwhile in the O.A.B confidential communication chatroom.

Gerty:WHO BLEW UP THE MOON? Do You know how busy my week has been?!!

Ethical: You're week?? I'm sorry did you have to deal with five dead idiots giving PTSD flashbacks to the ghosts on the titanic?

Gerty:I know Im sorry you have to deal with that but Ive gotten many complaints from the were community because the moon got blown up. Milly do you have any updates on repairs?

Milly:Luckily we may not have to replace the moon and repairs are possible I found a company called Aperture that has a massive underground facility filled with moon rocks.

[death-by-paperwork]

P.S.A: Mother's Day

Well, it seems like it's Mother's Day in the human realm. How lovely. You know, my sisters and I never had the privilege of having a mother. We simply came into existence one day. Our purpose is to maintain order and prevent any major catastrophes from happening. But let's talk about mothers, shall we?

Mothers truly deserve immense respect and admiration for the incredible role they play. They take on the responsibility of nurturing their children, ensuring their well-being, and helping them grow into remarkable individuals. It's a powerful and selfless endeavor that shouldn't go unnoticed.

On this day, some of you might be missing your mothers, yearning for one more opportunity to express your love and gratitude. Take comfort in knowing that your feelings are understood, even if your mother isn't physically present. The bond between a mother and child transcends physicality, and love endures beyond any boundaries.

So, go ahead and honor the remarkable mothers in your life. Show them your appreciation, express your love, and cherish the memories you have. Mother's Day is a special time to celebrate the profound influence and unconditional love of mothers.

[death-by-paperwork]

O.A.B Afterlife Assignment Department: Questionnaire

[ATTENTION THIS FORM HAS BEEN ENCHANTED TO PREVENT MAGICAL MANIPULATION OR FALSE INFORMATION TO BE ENTERED]

Date (Please use the standard format of MM/DD/YYYY. Failure to do so may result in your assignment being delayed indefinitely):

Subject's Information:

Name(Please use your full legal name. Nicknames or aliases will not be recognized in the afterlife):

Date of Birth (Please enter your date of birth in the following format: DD-MM-YYYY. Failure to do so may result in a clerical error and an inappropriate afterlife assignment):

Date of Death(Please enter your date of death in the following format: YYYY-MM-DD. If you are filling out this form posthumously, please indicate the date on which this form is being completed):

Gender (Please choose one of the following: Male, Female, Non-Binary, Other. Please note that your gender identity may be reassigned based on afterlife availability):

O.A.B Service number if applicable (Please provide your O.A.B service number if you have one providing one will not go into afterlife consideration but will increase service expediency):

Assignment Considerations:

Please provide a brief description of yourself and your life (Please limit your response to 300 characters or less. We know you've lived a full life, but we have other assignments to review):

Please describe any notable accomplishments or significant events in your life (Please use bullet points. Long-winded stories may result in your afterlife assignment being postponed):

Please indicate any special requests or considerations for your afterlife assignment [NOTE THIS MAY OR MAY NOT BE CONSIDERED BASED ON A VERITY OF FACTORS]:

Please provide any additional information or details that may be relevant to your assignment request, such as your hobbies, interests, or quirks (Please limit your response to 200 characters or less. We know you're a unique individual, but we don't need your entire life story):

Submitted by (Please provide your name and signature. Unsigned forms will not be processed. In case of posthumous submission, please include a ghostly thumbprint or ectoplasmic signature):